Now some guy has decided to give us his "16 Pearls of Cheeseburger Wisdom," the first pearl of course being a nice little vignette about wanting to puke in a bucket. How sexy. So of course I thought I might see how much I agree or disagree with dude.
1) Ketchup and mustard are overrated as condiments. Agreed. You guys know how I feel about ketchup, and mustard just doesn't belong on a burger. I like the unique, creamy taste of mayo, and just as with my lovemaking if I can't have it I prefer to go dry.
2) Tallgrass beef, for the most part, lacks the unctuousness, moisture content and brawny flavor I seek. I have no idea what this means, although I do know "unctuousness" means "addicted to mouse ass." I don't know what that has to do with cheeseburgers, but if you're having sex with mice maybe you have bigger problems than some dude doesn't like the taste of your "tallgrass beef." Not sexy, brah.
3) Texture and mouth feel are important considerations. In a step-daughter, yes. Cheeseburger? Yes also. I'm more of a texture guy than flavor guy with a lot of foods anyway.
4) Favorite casual sit-down chain restaurant burger? He says Red Robin's A.1. peppercorn burger. I'd say Wendy's, which is unfortunate since if I could've truthfully said Dairy Queen it would give me a chance to remind you guys for the 18000th time I fucked a girl in the DQ shitter once. But alas. Maybe just to spice things up a bit, next time I'll switch the words around and say "I fucked a girl in the shitter at the DQ once." That help move things along, make it a lil more exciting? Yes? No? How bout if I throw in a midget and his wheelchair-bound Indian sidekick?
5) Favorite turkey burger? N/A. Almost disqualifying, matter of fact. Fireworks on the 4th of July, she wears matching bra and underwear on your birthday, and you eat goddam turkety on Thanksgiving, not in a fucking burger. Yes, this is why they hate us. Grrr.
6) A burger labeled "kobe" is misleading. I believe you guys already know my "Will Not Eat Burgers Named after Rapists" policy. Again, does this make me a hero? Probably. I also can turn into a werewolf while playing basketball, but you people can't be bothered to hear about that because whenever I try to tell the story I start moving and shaking like a maniac, so fuck yall.
7) The best patties I've had are cooked on a griddle top. I can agree with that. "Something about stewing in their own fat." I'm down with that too.
8) Fries? Glad you asked. "Although french fries fried in duck fat are in vogue, serious gourmands know potatoes fried in beef tallow are far superior." Remember when all the vegetarians were upset cause they hadn't realized they were sucking down beef tallow every time they went to McDonalds? Just like when Costanza slipped some shellfish into that bitch Jew woman's eggs, or whenever I punch holes in the condom with a pin before fucking a prostitute, right? HAHAHA!! Anyone else laff their heads off at this? Fuck you, assholes!!!! If you're a vegetarian, stay the fuck outta McDonald's! I don't walk into your barn-raisings, and you stay outta my McDonalds. This reminds me of "Something about stewing in their own fat" from #7, since the girl who gave me the best blow job I've ever gotten happens to be a vegetarian who mysteriously weighed about 900lbs, and the morning after she gave me mouthal relations I woke up to find her stewing in my drunk-piss. Man. I wonder what happened to her. Drafted by the Rams?
9) Consider balance. Don't just pile your favorite ingredients and accouterments between two buns. I rarely put anything other than cheese/lettuce/mayo on my burgers, so this doesn't really affect me. SOMEtimes some onion, but rarely. I also once hit a dog and kept on driving, so.
10) Steer clear of feta, bleu and brie as cheese options. I didn't know these were fancy-schmancy cheeses were options for burgers. Where's this guy eat, The White House? I was gonna throw in a "of course not, they have fried chicken at the White House now" joke, but I had already hit "PUBLISH POST," so it was too late.
11) Lettuce and tomatoes end up getting in the way. YES!! TOTALLY AGREE!!. Especially tomato, one big honking slice of tomato, and that's all you can fucking taste or feel. Never understood why this was a default condiment. But then I'm on the verge of almost thinking about getting my own checking account, so I've had bigger things to be thinking about.
12) There is no greater flavor combination than bacon plus cheese plus caramelized onions. Maybe, but not on burger. Number one, I don't like onions cooked. But I also don't like bacon on my burger; unless it's on a pizza, I have a one-meat-per-bite rule. There's something oddly incestuously cannibalistic about mixing meats like this. Hell, you'd think me of all people would appreciate it more considering the number of times I've been banging out some broad from behind and looked down to see another chick has slid under us and it tonguing my dick and the other chick's pussy. And yet I still seem unmoved about the whole bacon on a burger thing. I am an enigmatic cat.
13) Look out, bacon. Egg with runny yolk is the new sexy topping. Eeeeeeeeeeeewww. The only eggs I wanna see running are in the toilet bowl after a "scare."
14) Best bang for your buck. Schoop's (19 locations, mostly in northwest Indiana and Calumet region of Illinois), and Illinois Bar and Grill. Wow, this is really handy information to have if I ever find myself in northwest Indiana or the Calumet region of Illinois. Which means he might as well have said "300 years into the future," cause I ain't going there either.
15) Favorite fast-food burger? A tie between Steak 'n Shake, above, and Schoop's. I don't know Schoop's but I have never had a better burger than the Shake Shack. Although like calling my ex-girlfriend a "human being that showcases the thoughts and emotions of someone who is aware of other people's feelings and is somewhat wary to hurt them by turning into a complete cum-guzzling, cock-craving whore," I'd say that calling the Shake Shack "fast" food is a bit of a misnomer. But it is an amazing burger.
16) The biggest rule of all: There is no rule. If it tastes good to you, it tastes good. Well. That sounded gay.
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