Republican Debate

9:01:  whoever this moderator is is running through a "What sucks about America" list.  He left off "Republicans."

9:03:  Bachmann is dressed in all-shiny gray.  She looks like an elevator door,

9:04:  Ah yes - Bachmann serves up the night's first "Obama sucks!" answer of the night.  Will it be the last one?

9:04:03: Romney:"Obama sucks!"

9:06:  Romney says we're inches away from no longer being a free economy.  Hasn't he said that before? A bell just went off - is Herman's Cain's pizza done cooking?

9:07:  Romney just said he "wouldn't eat Obama's dog food."  That's racist - black people are scared of dogs (and swimming.)

9:08:  Ron Paul is cranky!  Also: Chinese people are bad drivers.

9:11:  John Huntsman looks like Troy Aikman.  If Aikman wasn't an athlete.  Or sensible.

9:11  Newt Gingrich drops Saint Ronnie's name first; carried off stage like Oprah at fat camp.

9:13:  Who'd win in a street-fight: Tim Pawlenty, or a street?

9:14  Pawlenty gets the first laff of the night by offering to come to your house and cook dinner if anyone can come up with a plan Obama has for anything that helps America.  I'm hoping one of Obama's plans is "keep Tim Pawlenty from coming to peoples' houses and boring them to death."

9:16:  Chris Wallace is pitting T-Paw vs. Bachmann, as two Minnesotans.  T-Paw responds by saying Obama sucks.  We're gonna put him in charge of staring down Kim Jung-Il, and he's scared to look at a 50-something year old woman tax attorney?  me not so hoooooorny.

9:19  Bachmann is shredding T-Paw.  There's no way she doesn't win this debate. Unless, of course, her body splits open and a flock of bats come flying out.

9:22:  Wallace is hammering Mitt for cutting so many jobs as a businessman.  Romney rebuts by explaining how the private sector works.  He doesn't answer the question, but his condescending tone makes me wanna have an apple brown betty in the oven when he gets home, to enjoy with a high-ball as he laughs at Jack Benny on the tv set before wordlessly making love to me in my twin bed next to his and ordering me to pay the light bill tomorrow.

9:28:  Newt Gingrich speaks for the second time, and for the second time mentions Ronald Reagan.  Oooh, he scolds Wallace for asking "gotcha" questions.  Is Palin about to file a trademark lawsuit?

9:29: Now Gingrich is screaming about the media.  Christ.  What's next - calling himself a Mama Grizzly?  Popping out a coupla kids and giving them names that should never be applied to humans?

9:32:  Herman Cain gets applause for stating that Sharia Law has no place in the US Courts.  How brave.

9:33:  It's tough to think of a more boring person than John Huntsman.  Oh wait - he's onstage with about five of them.

9:35:  Can we all just agree that every candidate thinks Obama is Satan and move on?

9:37:  Newt Gingrich is hammering Obama on immigration, despite his wife apparently having been made in China, like all the other blowup dolls.

9:38:  Apparently, Ron Paul doesn't like anything.  Can we get him a front porch with a screen door and rocking chair for these debates, with Cardinal games from 1948 playing on the radio?

9:42:  Does anybody wonder why, if she has 23 foster children, Bachmann is spending her time parading around the country? Where are these kids?  Are they the Minnesota Vikings? Wtf?

9:45:  T-Paw's big brother has just walked onstage to take his blue suit back.  "Got a date, bro."

9:47:  Why is the sky blue?  Why are we all here? How the hell did Rick Santorum serve two terms in the US Senate?  IS there a monster in Loch Ness?  Some things, we will never understand.

9:49:  Newt Gingrich just gave a hypothetical re: the Super Committee, "it's like asking 'would you rather I shoot you in the head, or cut off your leg?'"   Hmm...that IS a tough one, Mr. Ideas Man!

9:52:  Mitt Romney brags about healthcare being good for Massachusetts, but disastrous for America.  I wonder if he wants to scrap the US Army, since presumably the Massachusetts National Guard is effective?

9:55:  There's a Gilligan's Island cast in here, somewhere.  Ron Paul as Thurston Howell the Turd!

9:57:  These people are doing the seemingly impossible: making Rick Santorum not sound like an idiot. Wow.  Maybe this crowd IS what America needs.  Oh, wait - Pawlenty just gave his lunch money to Romney  :(

10:01:  Going to commercial, nebulous FOX white guy says "When we come back, we'll talk about who's NOT here."  Ooooh, could it be - they're gonna dish on Palin???  OOOOH, let me guess - they dont have the balls to, the "not here" person will be trashing Obama.

10:03:  Oooooh, Bachmann on Palin!!  (I just typed that into the YouPorn search engine)

10:05:  T-Paw asked about Afghanistan.  Slooooooowly drags out "lets thank the troops" nonsense until the Herman Cain pizza bell mercifully rings.  Why not just do the Vinny Barbarino routine?  "Who?  Wha'? Where?"

10:08:  Newt lambastes the moderator for asking a gotcha! question about Afghanistan.  Yes, "should we be in Afghanistan" is a gotcha question.  Also a gotcha question: paper or plastic? Then he pummels us with a few more rounds of "I'm a candidate of ideas."  When does he unleash these ideas?  He's like the soccer referee, the only person in the stadium who knows how much time is left in the game.  Must be AMAZING ideas!

10:15:  Rick Santorum hates Iran. Also: that David cheated on Donna with that skank in the back of a limo!

10:18:  Bachmann claims terrorists don't have Miranda Rights, since "she was the smart one of the group, unlike that slut Samantha."

10:20:  On a serious note, Bachmann is destroying any comparison between herself and Palin.  Palin would've shit herself an hour ago.  Which reminds me: nom nom nom!

10:23:  Rick Santorum is scared shitless of Iran, and Ron Paul reminds him that Iran doesn't have the gas to send a bomb to America.  Santorum is apoplectic: "Gas? GAS?!?!!...is...my 30 second rebuttal time up? Obama sucks!"

10:27:  Gingrich looks horrible.  A cotton suit that's not ironed.  That is also an idiot.

10:30:  Herman Cain is defending his statement that Mitt Romney's Mormon religion is weird to Southern states.  I'm waiting for the follow-up question: "Seriously, how much do Southern states hate black people like yourself?"

10:33:  Huntsman just lost the election by saying he's okay with civil unions.  Also, because no one knows who the fuck he is or why he's even on tv.

10:35:  These people like marriage as being a holy unity between a man and a woman. When do we get to hear Newt's thought's - after all, he's done it three times!

10:38:  Tim Pawlenty is...oh, who gives a shit.  Jesus, he's a fucking pussy.

10:40:  Mitt Romney sidesteps a "should unemployment benefits be extended?" question by reminding us that Obama is black.  Nice!

10:42:  John Huntsman blames his giving thousands of jobs to foreigners instead of Americans on the fact that he really needs to make as much money as possible, everyone else be damned. Awesome!

10:45:  Bachmann defends her "don't raise the debt ceiling" fight.  Also: Nero invests in fire.

10:48:  From what I can gather, the point of these people is to not raise taxes.  I'd say this is like going to a Garfield convention and not liking Mondays, but on one hand you're talking about acting like a pussy, and on the other, you're talking about acting like an orange cat who loves lasagna.  So.

10:55:  In the home stretch!  John Huntsman is talking.   So, cicadas, huh? Every 17 years?

10:56:  Herman Cain hates the federal government.  Which is why he's on television asking you to vote for him to run it.  Of course.

10:58:  Romney thinks Obama "just doesn't get it."  Mitt loves freedom!

10:59:  Bachmann sees the Iowa straw poll as a referendum on Obama...who isn't running as a GOP candidate.  Hmm.