Brad Pitt: Come Together and While My Guitar Gently Weeps. Since we pretty boys hafta stick together I've always liked Brad Pitt, even though Moneyball was grossly overrated, but he gets dinged here. First of all for not having the sack to make a final decision on a song, and secondly for one of them to be Come Together, the shittiest, most overrated Beatles song that is for some reason considered a "classic."
Joe Perry: Tomorrow Never Knows. A stunningly innovative, culture-changing song of which my love for it now needs to be questioned since it's championed by this fucking jerkoff.
Taylor Swift. Here Comes the Sun. Great song, almost single-handedly saves Abbey Road, and she's spot-on re: how uplifting it is, especially coming out of the middle 8. Great. I now share an opinion on Beatles songs with a 12 year-old girl and a guy who's so stupid he hasn't minded being in Aerosmith for like 60 years. Fuuuuuuuuuck.
James Taylor. Penny Lane. A great song, and shoulda been on Pepper along with Strawberry Fields, which woulda made it the greatest album of all time without any debate. I give James Talor credit for getting up in Carly Simon's horse-teef guts ("and on the 8th day, God made a woman who could eat corn on the cob through a chain-link fence solely for Xmastime..."), but I dismiss his music, which my then 95 year-old grandmother once referred to as "pussy cracker shit." Ironically, we have The Beatles to blame for unleashing this particular monster of sleep-rock on us. Thanks, guys!
Julie Taymor: Something. Like Here Comes the Sun, a great song from The Dark Horse that along with the Golden Slumbers melody are the only things worth a crap on Abbey Road. Also, I have no idea who Julie Taymor is despite the fact that this is a list of celebrities and I work for a celebrity magazine.
Keith Urban: She's Leaving Home. Sgt. Pepper superslice, I've mentioned it HERE. Although I shudder to think how shitty his "music" must be, I have no beef with Keith Urban; having to fuck Nicole Kidman is punishment enough.
Joe Walsh. No song listed. Perfectly fitting for a member of the Eagles, maybe the most blah, nothing band ever. One time Op mentioned to me that Tequila Sunrise is a better song than Paradise by the Dashboard Light. Of course I rolled my eyes at the very notion of such a thing, to which he insisted "No, I mean it, th-" which I cut off with a "BUP-bup-bup bup!", waving an index finger in his face like a metronome needle. He kept talking: "I'm telling-" "AAAAAAH, bup-bup-bup-bup...(now slowing down, along with my finger so as to wind his idiocy down, along with lowering my eyebrows which had started at the top of my head and were now nearing their normal position)...bup......bup.................bup...............................................bup." And with that Op knew to shut up, that he's an idiot and I was right, so he curled up with a sleeve of Snackwells and cried like a baby.
Evan Rachel Wood: Happiness is a Warm Gun. Kind of an inside baseball pick, which she further exacerbates by name-dropping Fool on the Hill and Blue Jay Way. Hey Rachel, we get it, you know The Beatles deep cuts...which on planet Earth at least, don't really exist:
Jimmy Fallon: what's your favorite obscure Beatles song?Kris Allen: While My Guitar Gently Weeps. Xmastime superslice, made my White Album as a single album list, along with Happiness is a Warm Gun. I have no idea who Kris Allen is, but I admire his deep, thoughtful critique of the song: "There's just something about it." Thank you, Kris. The world needs more rich, famous, young people without a single thought in their heads.
Ringo Starr: (incredulous) obscure Beatles song?
Tom Araya: Revolution. Looking at his photo, I'm guessing by the long hair, grayed goatee, tattoos, and black t-shirt with a skull on it that Mr. Araya is in a heavy metal band. Reading what he says about the song I'm guessing that band is Slayer, since he says "It's so Slayer!" Congratulations Slayer, it only took you 31 years to be compared to The Beatles. That you had to be the one to finally do it only makes you a member of rock and roll's proud, noble "do it yourself" work ethic.
Kenneth Brannagh: For No One. An Xmastime superslice. McCartney sat down at a piano and played it in Give My Regards to Broad Street, which was basically two hours of Macca standing around looking surprised. Which, actually, is just how he looks all the time. How much does it suck if you're a magician and Paul McCartney's your audience?
Michael Caine: Hey Jude. I've blathered on many, many times how great Hey Jude is. McCartney famously wrote the song to comfort Julian Lennon during his parents' divorce, originally singing "Hey Jules." According to it's Wiki page:
Ringo Starr almost missed his drum cue. He left for a toilet break—unnoticed by the other Beatles—and the band started recording. In 1994, McCartney said, "Ringo walked out to go to the toilet and I hadn't noticed. The toilet was only a few yards from his drum booth, but he'd gone past my back and I still thought he was in his drum booth. I started what was the actual take, and 'Hey Jude' goes on for hours before the drums come in and while I was doing it I suddenly felt Ringo tiptoeing past my back rather quickly, trying to get to his drums. And just as he got to his drums, boom boom boom, his timing was absolutely impeccable."So the next time you hear a song written by Paul McCartney about a 5 year-old boy, know that it began with Ringo Starr's dick in his hand. Hmm.
Jude Law: Across the Universe. Another Xmastime superslice. Of the obvious pick Hey Jude, Law says how lucky he is that the song that shares his name is a great song and not a sucky one. As someone who shares his own name with the hit It's Xmastime, Now Gimme Dat Ass!!, I concur.
Jonathon Demme: In My Life. One of my many, MANY funeral slices.
Jamie Foxx: Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band. Rocking superslice. How great was Foxx' riff on In Living Color as the old man named Cornbread with Duke, the dead dog? I went through a spell about 10 years ago during which I tried to get the nickname "Cornbread" tagged on me, but it didn't stick. I'm not saying I hate "Clownshoe Dick", but I really liked "Cornbread." Although how's this for irony: I don't even LIKE cornbread!! I prefer spoonbread! Me, huh? An enigma wrapped in a riddle wrapped in juuuuuuuuuuuust tight enough for her pleasure Toughskins. Sigh.
Peter Frampton: Norwegian Wood. Meh. Good song. Rubber Soul, while still an A-, is my second least-favorite Beatles album, which is something Beatles fans have a problem with. Maybe if they knew that I also kick puppies (well, the colored ones) they'd get a little sense of perspective and would stop whining about the whole "oooh no, Xmastime doesn't love Rubber Soul as much as we do!!" thing. Grow up, people.
Ryan Gosling: Here, There, and Everywhere. Meh. Never loved this one. Seems to be merely an "ohmygod, look how astoundingly melodic Paul McCartney is!" thing. Though I do give Rosling props for taking on the role of slow, white cornerback in Remember the Titans only 17 years after Tom Cruise had cemented himself as the Marlon Brando of the character in All the Right Moves. Gutsy.
Mark Hoppus: She's Leaving Home. Interesting this one has popped up twice on the list. Not as interesting as the fact that we can figure out how to have seedless fruit and yet we're stumped on how to stop Kim Kardashian from being on tv 24/7, but still interesting.
Norah Jones: Long, Long, Long. Lotta George songs on this list; a bit like a bunch of dudes picking Khloe Kardashian over Kim &; Kourtney. Oooh, a Kardashian joke! How do I do it?!?!? But seriously, she's hideous; I'd rather fuck George Harrison. And hell, he's been dead for over ten years.
B.B. King: Help! That's a superslice. When I was living in Oxford we went to BB King's restaurant in Memphis, and when I looked at the menu I saw a section titled "Samitches." While I'm sure I'd used that for "sandwiches" in conversation before, I'd never actually seen it in print and got a tremendous kick out of it, repeatedly laughing about it as the pitchers of what I'm sure was crappy Michalob Lite kept coming and coming. Finally the band goes onstage, and the front man shouts out "What d'yall want?" The response was supposed to be "the blues!", but before everyone could shout that I yelled "samitches!", which cracked up the old, fat black ladies a few tables away. "Get that white boy over here!" they yelled, and I spent the next two hours eating and drinking all I could for free, with everything I said totally cracking them up. It was awesome.
John Legend: I Want You (She's So Heavy.) This might be my least favorite Beatle song of all time, so it's official: John Legend is a fucking idiot.
Demi Lovato: Yesterday. I feel bad for Yesterday because it's a great song, but nobody can stand hearing it anymore since it's been played to death by the time you're like three years old. That's right - I don't feel bad for orphans, or kids with cancer,I feel sorry for an astoundingly popular song that was written almost 50 years ago. Also, it rather ironically offers one of rock's greatest "fuck you" moments, via:
Iris Caldwell remembered an interesting incident in connection with the song. She had broken up with Paul in March 1963 after a silly argument over her dogs and, when he later called up to speak to Iris, her mother told Paul that her daughter didn't want to speak to him because he had no feelings. Two and a half years later, on Sunday August 1, 1965, Paul was scheduled to sing 'Yesterday' on a live television programme, Blackpool Night Out. During that week, he phoned Mrs Caldwell and said: "You know that you said that I had no feelings? Watch the telly on Sunday and then tell me that I've got no feelings."Zing! Fuck you, Iris! See that tv performance HERE. As for Ms. Lovato, what kind of parents name their kid after the coke-addicted suicidal slut from St. Elmo's Fire? Thanks mom! "Me too, mom!" her brother O.J. added.
Yo-Yo Ma: Michelle. I like that part of it's in French, which I can lord over you and feel good about myself because as you know I'm incredibly well-versed in the language, and that they say the word "tits" over and over; other than that, meh. And who named this fucker, George Costanza? (Any girl who gets that bit wins 7 minutes in heaven with me! Unless you're ugly, but that goes without saying.)
Emily Mortimer: In My Life and Here There, and Everywhere. MAKE A FUCKING DECISION!! Jesus. Also: who the fuck is this person?
2 comments:
Brilliant! Absolutely brilliant!
(curtsy)
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