Xmastime Movie Review: Will Will Kill.

You may remember Will Larroca from my review of his debut movie The Monster, and he’s come roaring back only weeks later with his sophomore release: Will Will Kill. Enjoy.

0:12: The title is Will Will Kill. What the hell does this mean – is it Will Will Kill?, or some sort of ritualistic chant for “Will” to kill somebody? What the hell ever happened to simple, clear titles that clearly explained what the movie was about, like Snakes on a Plane, or Floppy Black Juggz IV? This generation, amitrite? No respect. No brevity. No succinctness. Or briefness. Concision? Dammit - brevity. I was right with brevity. Of course.

0:21: I see young Larroca has fallen back on one of his now signature moves, as we’re 21 seconds into a 5-minute movie and we’re still in the title sequence. Brilliant. But then, I suppose he learned from the masters:

5) I’m sitting there watching the beginning of ‘Jerry McGuire’ last night (yes, I have no penis) and a few minutes in I start to notice that credits are still popping up on the screen. What the hell. And by this point I don’t even mean “Tom Cruise” or “Cuba Gooding, Jr”, I mean “Music Supervisor Randy Whittman.” Camon. Credits are annoying enough, and now I check my clock and we’re NINE MINUTES IN, and we’re still having them pop up??!?! And they don’t even just throw them out there, they freaking take a minute or so between them. What the hell is this for – suspense? “Hold on…who’s the assistant cinematographer here? Who? WHO THE HELL IS TH- oh, good. Jim Dickhead. He’s good.” I realize they’re folding them in as the movie is rolling, as if they’re part of the gotdam story. Which is, I will say, a tad distracting when you’re trying to get a grip at the beginning of a flick. Luckily as I said is was only ‘Jerry McGuire’, so I already knew that I was in for 2 hours of wanting to kick the little kid in the face, Cuba Gooding screaming, and Renee Zellwigger’s face looking like Tomcat just cut one.

0:32: Is this how kids think adults talk, like we’re choking on an apples? In their defense, seriously, apples suck.

0:41: “the one cop who wouldn’t be bought off.” Homage to, of course, Midnight Run. Nicely done, sir. Of course, the odds of this kid having seen Midnight Run are about the same as my BEING in Midnight Run, but still.

0:48: Larroca understands that if a horror movie can pull off being absolutely terrifying when shot in the daytime, it makes it twice as scary as your typical nighttime slasher flick. Like Texas Chainsaw Massacre, or Eddie and the Cruisers II: Eddie Lives. Jesus. Too soon.

0:58: What kind of killer says things like “You better have your affairs in order”? Is this the F. Lee Bailey School of Horror? “Taste the cold steel of my blade, sir…and I hope you’ve set aside a sensible self-directed ROTH IRA agreement for your little ones back home…”

1:29: Production note to Mr. Larroca – they have something in the film industry called “editing”; in other words, we don’t need to watch the killer actually lumber all the way across the street. “Oh no, a killer!!....there he goes…he’s tearing at me right now, ohmygod…he’s halfway here now, omg!!!!...hey, pizza’s here, great…oh no he’s coming!!!” Remember kid, it’s a horror movie: we’re f-cking, not making love. We’re not paying money to watch David Ortiz try to score from second on a single. (I wanted to use a Fat Lever joke here, but I do try to keep in mind that I am the voice of the next generation, and every generation thereafter.)

1:35: the clones are about as good at hitting their targets as the stormtroopers in Star Wars. (Note to Mr. Larroca: no, I don’t mean Star Wars IV: A New Hope, I mean STAR FREAKING WARS, KNOW YOUR HISTORY!!!!!!) Sir: if I wanted to pay money to watch this many swings and misses I’d look at my  entire history with women  old varsity baseball films, for f*ck’s sake.

1:44: Another 11 seconds burned up for the title sequence to the second act. Brilliant. This kid’s gonna be the master of the college term paper one day.

2:11: the gentleman in the grey sweatshirt should check with science before assuming that when shot in the abdomen, people twist themselves to the ground. Just saying.

2:45: I’ll be honest – I have no earthly idea what the hell this movie is about. But I’m enjoyed the combination of blinding red shorts/Wallace Shawn homage/”are they drinking piss?” moments during this scene. It’s called “layers”, people, and Mr. Larocca has them. I guess. Whatever they may be.

3:05: oooh, flashback, “3 weeks earlier”. Gee, I wonder what adventures I was having three weeks ago…oh yeah, typing away here blathering to you people for absolutely nothing in return. Of course.

3:15: I would never expect a movie’s Yoda-esque figure to use up a line of dialogue with the somewhat-less-than-profound “Bull!’, and yet here we are. Fascinating.

3:33: “Remember - when you are your weakest, that’s when they least suspect you.” What? What the hell does that mean? The kid’s walking around with a sword. It’s hard to pull off “move along, no one to defeat here…” I recommend replacing this line with “Remember, Jerry – it’s not a lie if you believe it”, purely for comic effect. And, if we’re being honest based on the dialogue so far, dramatic effect.

I also like how “3 weeks ago” means changing to basically black and white film. Yes, let’s take a walk back to those old-timey days of mid-June…I look forward to Larroca using the old mustache time-travel trick.

3:42: I love the director’s fly-by-the-seat-of-his-pants here – instead of taking a millisecond to cut out his saying "go” to the actors, he’s left it in. Hey, this sh*t’s gotta get up YouTube dammit, whosoever might have enough time to peruse one's options on such a thing?

4:15: Clear eyes, full hearts time: this movie is The Godfather of “sliding play swords through armpits to depict stabbing in the heart.”

4:29: Ohoh – Obi-Wan Kenobi voiceover. “Remember - when you are your weakest, that’s when they least suspect you.” Oooh, they got me, I’m in. Not as much as if they’d done the Costanza line, but still.

Annnnnd the kid uses the last 26 seconds of the film for the credits. Again, brilliant.

I see the actors names in this were Will, Zeb, Reid, Davis, and Quinn. Really? Not the scariest-sounding crew in the world, are they? At least give yourselves nicknames, right? "Death…Famine…Pestilence…and Rusty!” Loved you in The Sandlot 2, fellas.

There so much that’s great about this movie I can’t even wrap my head around it – mostly, the theme of red. Red afro, red shorts, and, ironically in one last twist by Larroca, no red blood. This kid's a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a riddle wrapped in the smugness of generation that's too good to pay for music I mean goddammit, for just $9.99 you can buy an entire freaking album!!!!!
I mean please kid, please!! Please! Please, I'm begging, Please!!

But guess what?

I want more.

Word on the street is Larroca’s working on his third film and has full backing, going for broke. This will be his Born to Run. And I can’t (bleeping) wait.