1) Does anyone know where the word “shampoo” came from? According to the dictionary, it’s meaning is “Any of various liquid or cream preparations of soap or detergent used to wash the hair and scalp.” From this I would expect a soft, clean word. But when you break down “shampoo”, I see sham, which means trick, therein lending itself to “tricky”. And the second half of it is another word for “shit.” So basically the word means “tricky shit”, which is ironic cuz shampoo is the gold standard for simplicity: rinse, lather, repeat. Funny.
2) Remember the “Brady Bunch” episode where Mike got fed up and installed a pay phone? I’d like to see the one where he installs a pay toilet. Then little Cindy gets caught with no change – while desperately trying to hold it in, her intestines rip apart and she dies of toxic shock from her own shit.
3) The Winter Olympics is getting sillier and sillier. The luge, the skeleton, whatever the fuck it is – if there can be an event where your job is to fucking lie down and not move, I think we’ve gone too far calling it a “sport.” My suggestions for 2010:
The Aluminum Hold: I sit on my couch and see how many beer cans I can set on my stomach without them falling off.
The Flusher: While on the toilet I see how quickly I can “read” an entire year of InTouch Magazine.
The Trail Race: handed a huge bag of Trail Mix, I must race against time to remove all the raisins.
Electronic Sensing: goto Turkey’s Nest. Drink 8 containers, then text-message every girl I have a crush on. Any reply that doesn’t include “Please stop texting me” is one point.”
4) Talk about chutzpah. Noticed today that on the box of Cocoa Puffs they actually say “Good for bones!!” Amazing.
5) A Few of My Favorite Numbers:
a) 12. Always liked this number, seemed strong. Was THE quarterback number when I was a kid – Stuabach, Bradshaw, Namath etc. Also if you double it, it’s 24. In high school my friend Robert used this number for his football jersey. When I asked him why, he answered in that incredulous tone like Anthony Michael Hall in “The Breakfast Club” when asked why he had a fake id: “Cause it’s divisible by so many numbers.” Right on.
b) 7. Supposed to be lucky. Apparently it’s not, tho. My birthday being 7-14-72, I’d think I’d be doing a little better here. But I still like multiples of 7s, maybe cuz that’s the number of days in a week. Or the longest number of days in a row my dad once went without reminding me “Hey, you’re just not as smart as your brother. You have to try harder.” Thanks Pop!!!!!
c) 2.90 – the price of a 20-pack of McNuggets when they first came out. Man. 14 cents a McNugget!! Of course, that was back before they used real chicken meat, according to their own recent ads. Hmm.
d) 4. The collective number of high school football games I won. Looking back, 3 of them were in one year – seems like we piled it on a bit thick that year, no? Could've spread it out over the years. I guess our insatiable thirst for winning could not be contained that year.
e) 1. Tis the number of white athletes in my high school who were on academic probation. Hmm. Who could that have been?
f) 8. Number of pieces in a chicken you can fry. I’m a breast man myself. I’ll tell you people down South who had some surprisingly good fried chicken – Krogers Grocery Store. When I was living in Oxford I started hitting them on Sunday mornings and was pleasantly surprised by the chicken. Was wonderful.
g) 0. The number of jokes I ever tell about friend chicken. Zero.
h) 30. The number of beers I once drank while watching “Dazed & Confused.” They still talk about me in hushed tones back at school. Most people don’t know, however, that the next night I turned around and drank 27. Or that I have Sean Penn’s dick in my freezer.
6)
"Baby's first Chinese food dinner"
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