Things are Good, Part VIII

1) In looking at the Winter Olympics (ugh) I now realize I played the wrong sports as a kid. I played the standards: football, basketball and baseball – along with about 500 billion other kids across the country. With that much competition, I had about as much chance getting to the highest level as I did banging Kelly and Jessie while Zack and Slater threw dollar bills at me. But now I see some of these “sports” in the Olympics and I’m like fuck, if I had taken up some of these stupid fucking things as a kid, chances are good I’d be in the damn Olympics. Rich and famous for “sports” where I lie on my back and hurtle down an icy runway, or snow ski through woods shooting things, or follow some big disk with a broom, sweeping in front of it. I mean, do you know anybody who knows anybody who knows anybody that does these fucking things? I gotta think that if I had played curling instead of football, my competition woulda decreased from 30,000,000 kids to 6. Hey, I fucked up. Soon as I have a kid I’m putting him on skis with a rife in his hands and shoving him into the woods. “Call me when Pepsi calls for the endorsement deal, fucko.”

2) I think the funniest thing about the Cheney shooting thing is that what with the new Valerie Plame stuff coming out making a stronger case that Scooter Libby was in fact told by the Big Veep to leak classified info, him shooting his friend and almost killing the guy wasn’t even the worst thing that happened to him all week.

3) A few things about fake titties:

a. Every time I flip by “Dr. 90210” or whatever the fuck show that is I see some chick laying there with doctors slicing her chest up to bits – graphic, gory vomit-inducing operating table stuff, but of course they make the effort to blur the nipples. Christ. How come we barely see Janet Jackson’s nipple for a split second and we’re all going to hell as a country, but I can turn on E! network and see the whole kit and caboodle getting sliced up? Crock of shit.

b. And ladies. No more of these bullshit reasons for getting boob jobs, no more insisting you’re not doing it to attract attention from dudes. “I’m doing it to feel more confidant as a woman when I walk into the room” or “It’s a self-esteem thing, I don’t care one bit if guys notice them” or whatever crap they say. Just be honest – “I’m doing it to attract attention from men.” I got no problem with that. Just don’t act indignant/offended when I suggest you’re doing it to get attention from guys. Hey, I love titties- real, fake, big, small, in a brown bag under my bed, whatever. Just don’t pee on my leg and tell me it’s raining. Unless of course you pee on my leg in the shower while your twin sister has my nuts in her mouth. But you probably knew that already.

4) 2 things I never remember to say that I always wish I did: when someone is ordering Chinese food suggesting “cream of sum yung guy”, and when someone at the bar asks what time it is I need to say “Beer o’ clock!”

5) Can you believe it’s taken this many years for a Kid Rock/Scott Stapp sex video to surface? I mean damn, we waited long enough. Enuff of those pesky Pam Anderson/Paris Hilton vids, lets get to the good stuff. And if it was done in 1999, are we gonna be treated to some Joe C camera time? I’m picturing Scotty getting a hummer, reading from his Bible on top of the gal’s head while Kid Rock & Joe C write one of their “gems” as 3 teenage girls “pound!!” the Coors Lite party ball. We can get a rapping dwarf, a wanna-be redneck and a Christian rock singer together on tape but we can’t get Paris & Nicole to kiss and make up for a new season of “Simple Life”? What the fuck country am I living in?

6) Guys: quit trying to win the “REAL Baseball Fan” award by acting all excited and announcing the days until pitchers and catchers begin their workouts together. Every fucking year I gotta hear “17 days till pitchers/catchers!!!” Really? Are you a pitcher on a major league baseball team? Are you a catcher? Are you going to said practices to watch? Are these exciting workouts being televised? Do even the very pitchers and catchers that show up give 2 shits about this event? No. Acting like a excitable kid about something this worthless will not get you laid, it will not inspire me to buy you a fucking beer. The season starts on April 2. Until then, the only time I wanna hear “pitchers & catchers” is at my neighborhood gay bar, thank you very much.

7)
"Stella! STELLA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"