Things are Good, Part XII

1) As this is the season to think about these things, and my life is about to be taken over by college basketball (don’t worry ladies, my foot-long fuck pump doesn’t need to see the tv, only my eyes), I tell you what I’ve noticed through the years about tournament basketball. It’s the end of a tight game, maybe it’s tied with 3 seconds left and the coach calls a timeout and frantically waves his guys into a huddle, and then you see him whip out an eraserboard and frantically diagram a play. What the hell is this? You’ve spent the last six months of your life taking 4 hours a day to drill plays into these players brains, you’ve practiced every possible play for every conceivable situation, and now here it is, the single most crucial 3 seconds of the season and maybe your whole career, and you throw everything out the window and come up with something brand new in 20 seconds. “Fuck it! Reggie, you stand here, Luke is gonna throw you the ball here…” etc etc etc. Shouldn't you be prepared here, shouldn't your team already know what to do? Do I pay $75 to see Bruce scramble round at the last second and change the chords to “Badlands”? n-y-e-t. It’s like my grandfather always said to me – “kiss me the same way we’ve always practiced, Sugarlips.”

2) You guys know that Xmastime enjoys a lil porn every now & again. Well, or every moment I’m awake. But the other day I pop a flick on and there’s some jackass doing some chick (“really? In a porn flick? Wow!”) and the whole time he’s fucking her he’s stopping so he can film the action with his own video camera (NOT to be confused with the camera that’s, you know, FILMING the scene). I’m like, dude. Camon. THEN he starts holding things up so he can pull out his fucking Polaroid Instamatic and fucking take pictures!!!! What the fuck – he wants to have a record of his ‘performance’? HERE’S AN IDEA, ALL-STAR: BUY THE FUCKING DVD LIKE I DID!!! Or hey, mention to the director you might want a copy of the flick. Your dick will be falling off in a few weeks, least they can do is give you a damn freebie. Jesus Christ. Meanwhile the chick is bored out of her mind and actually invented Su-doku while lying there.

3) How come George W. Bush is a such a fanatic about shoving democracy down Iraq’s throat at all costs, but has never implied that Saudi Arabia should change their ways and become a democracy? Aren’t they as thirsty for a democracy as Bush says other countries are? Oh that’s right, I forgot – they’re going steady. My bad. Maybe George WANTS to shove democracy down their throats but hey, you know how it is when you’re dating someone. So I’m taking it upon myself to do him, and Saudi Arabia of course, a favor: Saudi Arabia, I declare war on you. Oh no no, don’t blame it on Honeypie, he knows nothing about this. He’s as surprised as you are. Right about now I picture Bush standing behind me making apologetic faces to the Saudis, acting surprised with that “oh gosh I’m SOOOO sorry about this, we’ll talk at dinner, please don't be mad…” look on his face. I will do this favor for my country and the rest of the free world. George, just like the time you made me hook up with Fat-ass France so that you could score with England, I’ll fall on the grenade this time. YOU’RE WELCOME ASSFACE!!!!!!!!

4) I really love it when I hear someone calls it “ValentiMe’s Day.” Cracks me up, like black folks down home saying that as kids they had “chicken pops.” I used to give physicals in the Air Guard and that was one of the questions I’d ask, and without fail I’d get “well, I had the chicken pops” and it never failed to crack me up. Awesome. “Chicken pops”, sounds like a cereal. And no, that doesn’t make me a racist since I also don’t give a fuck what happened to Nathalie Holloway.

5) Before I die, I’d like someone to explain dry ice to me. Baffling. Well, so is dry cleaning now that I think about it. “Dry goods” is weird too, do you ever hear anybody use the word “goods” in a sentence without them being “dry”? Nobody says “I going to the store to get some goods.” It’s always “…and if you’d please stop fisting my son, I’ll show you where we store the dry goods”, isn’t it? Fascinating. Hey, bonus points for anyone who while reading this started thinking about Scatman Crothers in the Overlook Hotel kitchen with Shelley Duvall and the little kid.

6) Speaking of dry goods combined with man on man action, I’m thinking that if I was gay and had a boyfriend, (as opposed to if I was straight and had a boyfriend, I guess. Hmm.) I’d want it to be Jerry Seinfeld. Let’s see: you KNOW how I like a horse face, and who has more of a horse face than Jerry? Those teeth come right outta the damn tv screen, don’t they? It’s like Carly Simon and My Friend Flicka had a son. Plus, he’s RIDICULOUSLY rich. No more extending the Prell shampoo with water, I got a feeling if I said “Hey Jer, buy Prell” the next day I’d own the company. Plus, he’s funny, which would be awesome in the sack. “Hey, what’s the DEAL with your dick buried in my ass? And how bout that airline food…” Jerry, call me. Maybe we can double with W & Saudi Arabia.

7) I don’t know about your computer, but mine has some super-active software shit that blocks pop-ups. And it’s so proud of its work that it CONSTANTLY lets me know about the pop-ups it’s blocked with…pop ups!!!! Grrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!! Fucking hell. This would be like me proudly announcing every day that I didn’t sexually harass you by writing “Hey, I didn’t sexually harass you!!” on my dick and showing you every 5 minutes. Thanks Norton!!!!!

8) Paddy Mac’s “People I Hate”List now includes 16,443 names. If you are worried you’re on this list and would like to have your name removed, please send a crisp, clean hundred-dollar bill ($100) to:

Paddy Mac Loves Me Now
100 Metropolitan Avenue
Brooklyn, NY 11211

You’ll feel better, Paddy Mac won’t have to hate you, I fill my bathtub up with ice cream, everyone wins.

9)Toot toot!! Everybody allllllllllllllll aboard!!!!!