Things are Good, Part XIV

1) If you have a snake for a “pet”, then you’re an asshole. “Say, what’s the most worthless, unaffectionate lump of shit that I can cage up as a pet to have in my room and scare people? Hey, a snake!” What is with these people. And they’re so excited to have you come look at this fucking thing too. Wow, there it is…coiled up in the corner of an aquarium, not moving for days. Great. Why don’t you just show me a fucking 2-liter bottle of Pepsi, it’s the same shit. “There it is, wow…hold on, it’ll move…well, maybe in a few hours.” Yes, I know it’s a life-changing thrilling event if you happen to be there every 6 months when they get fed a live mouse. I guess we’re supposed to be impressed with how scary having a snake is, you know, locked up in a box. Wow. Tell you what, you have a free-roaming snake in your bedroom, I’ll be impressed. Til then, the only time I wanna “see your snake” is if I’m paying you $5 to piss my name on your girlfriend’s tits.

2) I’m surprised at how much time “The Sopranos” has devoted to being horrified that Vito is gay. Throughout the show’s run, every fucking scene some fat schlubs are playing grab-ass while saying hello/goodbye, but then they’re horrified about Vito being gay? Has there ever been a show in the history of the world with so much man-kissing and hugging? Well, MAYBE Major League Baseball, but that’s it.





















3) This might just be a New York City thing, but it drives me insane when I’m at a bodega to buy some shit, then the guy rings me up using a calculator or a cash register buried behind lotto tickets and he just looks at me without telling me how much I owe. Wtf. Should I just started handing you money til you get tired? If I guess the right price, do I get my shit for free? Christ. This is a close cousin to grocery stores that don’t bother putting the prices on items. Hey, I’m sorry my name isn’t Bill Fucking Gates and I have to actually know how things are adding up as I stroll your precious aisles. I need to know if I’ll have enough for my $45 “real chocolate from Switzerland” impulse buy at the counter. Assholes.

4) I’m a godfather now, which means I have to know enough to give the little man some advice as he gets older. I don’t know much in this world, but what I do know I’m happy to pass on:

a. IT’S NEVER OKAY TO HIT A GIRL ...unless she SERIOUSLY won’t shut the fuck up during the game. But all it takes is a little pop to the schnozz, nothing crazy. She’ll shut up; don’t go nuts trying to bury a beer bottle in her skull. Cause ooooooooohh nooooooooooo, then you’ll be “disrespecting women.” Fuck.

b. DON’T EVER OWN A CAT ...unless your live-in boyfriend insists. Hey, guess whose godfather won’t be visiting THAT bachelor pad anytime soon?

c. DON’T BE A BULLY ...Don’t waste time shoving little kids around when you need to be focusing on fucking your hot teachers, since that’s apparently how it’s done these days.

d. LEARN HOW TO DANCE ...and I mean “real” dancing, not slow dancing. Dancing is the only homo-activity I will sign off on – chicks fucking LOVE guys that can dance. The only advice my mother ever gave me: learn to type and dance. Well, I can prolly hit 50 wpm, but the second I’m on a dance floor and the song isn’t “Making Love Out of Nothing at All”, I pull the ol’ “knee injury” bullshit so I don’t hafta fast dance. Meanwhile the one guy that’s spinning around the dance floor like me at the Pizza Hut buffet is getting grinded on by every chick in the room and will most likely go home with my date while I’m getting taquitos at 7-11 with the other lame-ass fucks who don’t dance. “the Guys.” Christ.

Well. I guess that’s all I’ve really learned all these years. Fuck.


5) I see Osama Bin Laden has been making more videotapes. Why is this even news; I thought Bush “didn’t care” where he was, that it didn’t matter. Which, I guess, makes me wonder why every time we get “the #2 guy!!!” it’s plastered on the front page and we clear out the Canyon of Heroes for Prez Fuckwad. How many times can we get excited about catching the #2 guy anyways; eventually won’t the guy have originally been like the “94th guy”? So what? We’ll just keep going I guess, til we hit this guy:






MAYBE then we’ll all realize hey, unless it’s actually Bin Laden who gives a shit.


6) A shout-out to my friends at Football Fans for Truth, who listed Xmastime as one of the 10 Funniest people alive. I hate being last on the list, it means I’m the first person bumped once K-Fed’s album drops. Fuck!

7)






Don’t worry guys, I didn’t forget you earlier when talkin bout kissing. Isiah, get back to work - the Knicks aren’t going to finish driving THEMSELVES into the ground, now are they?








8)




















5 nipples, and Clyde picks the rubber one. Sigh.

Does a Bear Shit on a Sidewalk?

How is it fucking possible that Winnie the Pooh is just NOW getting a fucking star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame? If it takes this guy 80 years to get a star, shouldn’t it be near impossible for most “stars” to get on? Dude has been ubiquitous for 80 years – you could dig up a fucking rock on Mars and it’ll know the name Winnie the Pooh. And the guy brought in $55B for Disney – IN 2005 ALONE!!!!! A quick look at a few “stars” that beat Pooh to the Walk of Fame:

Pat Sajak
Bob Barker
Pee Wee Herman
Tim Allen
Charlize Theron
Dennis Quaid
Ben Stiller
Wayne Rogers

I don’t even have to make the jokes here. Unbelievable. But if this isn’t enough humiliation for our guy, here’s a few names that are going in with Pooh as the Class of 2006:

Matthew Broderick/Nathan Lane (they’re one person now)
Ray Ramono
Vanna White
Judge Fucking Judy
Motley Crue

I have no words. My only hope woulda been that Pooh rejected his star upon seeing the hundreds of “stars” that came before him on the Walk, but I guess it’s too late. My only hope is to fly out to Hollywood, have a few pops with him and convince him to take a big, fat, hairy steamer on his star. What a joke.

When this guy wakes up and hears this, he's gonna go APESHIT

Get It On

THINGS THAT HAVE HAPPENED SINCE I LAST HAD A GIRLFRIEND

1. THREE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTIONS - heck, one of them was even valid. Hey, go 1 for 3 in the major leagues, they put you in the Hall of Fame! Not too shabby, fellow citizens!!!!
2. THE INTERNET or, as some of you might say, internets. (Mr. President please stop with the barrage of “more Theodore, he’s real smart!!” emails…yes, we know he’s a huge Bush fan and yes we’ll see him again…and…you DO know he’s only a stuffed bear, right?)
3. GUNS & ROSES were working on “Chinese Democracy.” Hmm.
4. DR. BERNARD A. HARRIS, JR. makes history as the first African American astronaut to walk in space. That was in 1995. Boy, who woulda thunk that by the time I'd have my next girlfriend they’d be working on a plan to send them ALL into outer space? Wow! Progress!!!

"...and, once they're all in, the Superdome will turn into a spacecraft and shoot off into outer space as planned...got it? Good. Hey, who's up for Arby's?"

5.BOY, HAS IT BEEN THAT LONG SINCE OJ started his desperate, obsessive round-the-clock crusade to find the killer of his ex-wife? Poor guy.
"Hey, maybe she's in one of these holes in the ground!!" beep-beep!

6. THE FEDERAL HIGHWAY SPEED LIMIT WAS 55 hard to imagine only going 55 these days. Especially what with having to speed like hell to get to your second job so you can afford gas. Step on it!!!!!!!
7. THE POKEMAN PHENOMENON I don’t really even know what Pokeman is, but I do know it’s been a worldwide phenomenon with kids. Video games, toys, whatnot. Not like in my day, where all you needed was a nice cold toilet bowl and the Sears catalogue for “entertainment.” Ah well. Kids! As Miss Piggy once said “they’re the devil’s oven mitts!”
8. BACK WHEN I HAD A GIRLFRIEND, Diana was the Princess of Wales and Dana Reeves was the wife of Superman; we didn’t even know who she was because it was before her husband’s accident. Now they’re both dead and I still wanna do ‘em both. Mmmmm!
9. BACK WHEN I HAD A GIRLFRIEND, President Clinton's proposal to lift the ban on openly gay military personnel sent anti-gay activists into action, shutting down phone lines to Congress with hundreds of thousands of calls in protest. "Honestly," asks D. James Kennedy in a fundraising letter for Coral Ridge Ministries, "would you want your son, daughter, or grandchild sharing a shower, foxhole, or blood with a homosexual?" Can you even imagine how far we’ve come? Hell, nowadays we LOVE dudes on dudes, frolicking about with cameras!! Hoooooray, USA!!!!!!!

10. BIGGIE & TUPAC WERE STILL ALIVE since then they got smart and let themselves get shot so they can release more albums dead (18) than they ever did alive (6). Way to go fellas! TOOK you long enough, for chrissake!! This does actually prove a point we’ll all be loathe to accept: we’re better off with Ashlee Simpson alive than dead. Dammit.

Maybe to show you I'm serious I better throw up a photo. Remember this one, darling? On the beach in front of your house, frantically going at it before your folks got home. Wow. I was amazing and you were there. Anyways. 34 hours. You're telling me you can look at this and NOT remember the heat, baby? Camon!!

And please...

...don't make me break out the photos we took of us doing it*. In the car, on the porch, backroom of the library, at your "piano lesson", etc etc etc. Do you really want everyone to see pictures of my sexual heroics thrilling you? Camon.


*obviously a lie, as no such pictures exist. This is called "getting the prey's attention", people. Now I lie and wait, see if she takes the bait..hey, that rhymes!

Movin On!

I am 36 hours away from turning my back on my high school girlfriend coming back to me. If you're playing hardball my Squirrel d'Amour, then you've overplayed your hand and I am MOVING ON. I thought I was being nice giving us another chance after our hiatus but I guess I was the only one who wanted this to work. I'm sure your husband had swomething to say about this, but I won't even, as the kids say, "go there."

Whatever. You've chosen your path, now start walking. Unless you decide to change your mind within the next 36 hours. MAYbe I'll let you back into the velveteen embrace that is my life.