THINGS THAT HAVE HAPPENED SINCE I LAST HAD A GIRLFRIEND

1. THREE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTIONS - heck, one of them was even valid. Hey, go 1 for 3 in the major leagues, they put you in the Hall of Fame! Not too shabby, fellow citizens!!!!
2. THE INTERNET or, as some of you might say, internets. (Mr. President please stop with the barrage of “more Theodore, he’s real smart!!” emails…yes, we know he’s a huge Bush fan and yes we’ll see him again…and…you DO know he’s only a stuffed bear, right?)
3. GUNS & ROSES were working on “Chinese Democracy.” Hmm.
4. DR. BERNARD A. HARRIS, JR. makes history as the first African American astronaut to walk in space. That was in 1995. Boy, who woulda thunk that by the time I'd have my next girlfriend they’d be working on a plan to send them ALL into outer space? Wow! Progress!!!

"...and, once they're all in, the Superdome will turn into a spacecraft and shoot off into outer space as planned...got it? Good. Hey, who's up for Arby's?"

5.BOY, HAS IT BEEN THAT LONG SINCE OJ started his desperate, obsessive round-the-clock crusade to find the killer of his ex-wife? Poor guy.
"Hey, maybe she's in one of these holes in the ground!!" beep-beep!

6. THE FEDERAL HIGHWAY SPEED LIMIT WAS 55 hard to imagine only going 55 these days. Especially what with having to speed like hell to get to your second job so you can afford gas. Step on it!!!!!!!
7. THE POKEMAN PHENOMENON I don’t really even know what Pokeman is, but I do know it’s been a worldwide phenomenon with kids. Video games, toys, whatnot. Not like in my day, where all you needed was a nice cold toilet bowl and the Sears catalogue for “entertainment.” Ah well. Kids! As Miss Piggy once said “they’re the devil’s oven mitts!”
8. BACK WHEN I HAD A GIRLFRIEND, Diana was the Princess of Wales and Dana Reeves was the wife of Superman; we didn’t even know who she was because it was before her husband’s accident. Now they’re both dead and I still wanna do ‘em both. Mmmmm!
9. BACK WHEN I HAD A GIRLFRIEND, President Clinton's proposal to lift the ban on openly gay military personnel sent anti-gay activists into action, shutting down phone lines to Congress with hundreds of thousands of calls in protest. "Honestly," asks D. James Kennedy in a fundraising letter for Coral Ridge Ministries, "would you want your son, daughter, or grandchild sharing a shower, foxhole, or blood with a homosexual?" Can you even imagine how far we’ve come? Hell, nowadays we LOVE dudes on dudes, frolicking about with cameras!! Hoooooray, USA!!!!!!!

10. BIGGIE & TUPAC WERE STILL ALIVE since then they got smart and let themselves get shot so they can release more albums dead (18) than they ever did alive (6). Way to go fellas! TOOK you long enough, for chrissake!! This does actually prove a point we’ll all be loathe to accept: we’re better off with Ashlee Simpson alive than dead. Dammit.