9/11 is a Joke in Yo Town....

I don’t understand why people would flock to see Oliver Stone’s 9-11 flick, “World Trade Center.” Didn’t we just watch the real thing live and up close 5 years ago? Do we really need to see Nicholas Cage overacting to drive the point home that “hey, that really sucked”? This isn’t a movie about the Civil War or George Washington or Dubya's National Guard service – we actually have real, live documentation and footage of this event. Every minute detail is on film, documented, and as well as the 6 billion people who saw the footage on tv there are THOUSANDS of people that saw it live and up close that are very much still around. I’m sure Oliver Stone knows how to make a movie, but why would I want to watch some Hollywood-ized, over-wrought, “let’s sneak a romance in there!” version when I can just go back and see all the live footage, or the hours of documentaries explaining exactly what happened with computer animation, or watch the countless hours of witnesses’ testimony? Would I really prefer Nic Cage saving the day, and the over-the-top “heroism” of everyone the film depicts? I’m sure this is supposed to be an inspirational film; but how inspired can we be about a film depicting an event that basically led us to the riciculous shit-filled quagmire of a nation that we are presently in? Wouldn’t this be like showing a movie about the 1929 Stock Market crash to the Joad family? I mean, it’s not like we can spring outta our seats in the theater “yeah!! Let’s get ‘em!!!” when here we are, 5 years later…NOT gettin 'em.

I’m sure Stone is well-intentioned here, but this movie seems superfluous and reeks of Hollywood corniness – I’m sure by the end of the flick you’re exhausted from every over-the-top heroic moment, every dramatic by-the-numbers “they just opened up a can of whoop-ass!” scene. Camon. Another problem is when you make a movie about something SO recent, SO documented, we all know exactly what’s gonna happen. It’s not like you can really change too much.

Scene 1: New Yorkers waking to clear, bright day, going about their lives. Cue a big scene of a firehouse, dudes “horseplaying”
Scene 2: bam! Plane crashes into WTC
Scene 3: chaos rules
Scene 4: Rudy becomes heroic “Nation’s Mayor.” Hot dog vendors thorughout city rejoice as they are no longer his #1 target.
Scene 5: bam! Second plane crashes
Scene 6: firefighters rushing into buildings (I see a LOT of foreshadowing about this throughout beginning of movie)
Scene 7: buildings collapse
Scene 8: Nic Cage, whose 5 brothers are firemen as well as his father who died in a blaze 20 years ago "taking too many chances with the fire, dancing with the Beast!!!" either dies or doesn’t die, but saves a thousand people, all while telling his wife (and her black kid from a previous marriage!) how much he loves her.

Blah blah blah. You get my drift. THEREFORE, it occurs to me, the only way you can really make a 9/11 movie right now that isn’t cornball crap is to make a comedy. Turns out, I got a few ideas:

1) Steve Carell mans the Ray Gun of Freedom atop the WTC in NYC. A hum-drum life indeed; nobody has ever attacked NYC from the sky, but hey, you never know, might as well have a laser at the ready 24/7. He’s a nice guy, maybe a bit dull etc. Of course, the one morning our hero slips downstairs for a bagel…he looks up to see the first plane crash into his building. Hilarity ensues as his boss Ed Asner chews him out for 90 minutes.

2) In “Airplane 3”, we find out that in addition to the 2 WTC planes, the Pentagon plane and the Pennsylvania plane, there was a 5th plane hijacked, but in the cockpit were THESE guys .












The crew is non-plussed and thoughout the movie has no idea the plane is being hi-jacked, which drives the terrorists even crazier. And of course a whole new generation of questions “Ever seen a grown man naked? Ever download a donkey punch on your ipod?” is born.

3) I don’t care what the movie is, but if Danny Glover wanders through muttering “I’m too old for this shit” as bodies fall on top of him, I’m thinking “Oscar.”

4) Another cool one would be terrorists accidently hijack the “Girls Gone Wild” airplane. Hilarity ensues as both sides learn lessons about cultural tolerance. Well, before hurtling into a skyscraper at 500mph. Joe Rogan plays the GGW guy, and does his own stunts.

5) “Major League IV” – this time those whacky Cleveland Indians have to battle spiteful owners, the New York Yankees AND crazed Muslim terrorists. Best scene: Corbin Bernson and Charlie Sheen playing “hotbox” with a terrorist and his boxcutter. Well, right up til they crash into the WTC. CAMEO: Martin Sheen as President Bartlett, atop the rubble.

ANYway, you get the idea. It’s pointless to crank out some overwraught tear-jerker “triumphant” movie right now about 9/11. And those movies about Natalie Holloway aren't going to write themselves, people!!!