Barkley/Wilbon in 2012

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT FINALLY HAPPENED!!!!!!!!

My beloved Sir Charles, who has always been a Republican (or, as he famously said when asked when he became a Republican "The day I got my first NBA paycheck")has switched teams and is now a Democrat. I feel like its Christmas morning - I've always said I'd turn Republican (ew) if Charles asked me to stump for him as Alabama Gov. But now he's on my team, and I'm thrilled, and now Op and I can put together our Barkley/Wilbon '12 campaign. A few choice Charles classics:

- On his retirement: "Just what America needs--another unemployed black man."

- Before the Dream Team's game against Angola in the 1992 Olympics: "All I know about Angola is Angola's in trouble."

- "I heard Tonya Harding is calling herself the Charles Barkley of figure skating. I was going to sue her for defamation of character, but then I realized I have no character."

- To a fan in the FleetCenter in Boston: "You guys are two players away from being good again -- Bill Russell and Larry Bird."

- On the goal of the '92 Olympic Dream Team when playing Panama in the Tournament of the Americas: "To get the Canal back."

- Kenny: "There's guys who go over to Europe and play overseas from America, and they dominate!"
Charles: "Those are called 'brothers'"

- You know the world is off tilt when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest basketball player is Chinese and Germany doesn't want to go to war.

- Ainge: (to Barkley in the locker room) How is your back?
Barkley: Like your face. It needs surgery!

- "Colonel Sanders is the greatest white man that ever lived."

- "My family got all over me because they said Bush is only for the rich people. Then I reminded them, 'Hey, I'm rich'."

- Greg Gumbel: " Happy St Patrick's Day".
Barkley: "Great. Another reason for the Irish to go out and drink."

- When Chuck was asked by the judge if he had any regrets about throwing guy through a window in Orlando he said, "I regret we weren't on a higher floor."

- Chris Rose: You used to be called The Round Mound of Rebound. Just how round are you these days?
Charles Barkley: A few doughnuts away from a complete circle.

- "He's instant offense... on both ends of the floor, I might add."
Barkley on Cuttino Mobley

- Reggie Miller: "Gonzaga. That's my dark horse."
Charles: "They ain't that dark."

- At the dunk contest, as Josh Smith put a piece of tape down a ridiculous distance away from the hoop and the guys thought he was trying to jump from that point, Charles says: "That's impossible... that's like Dick Cheney trying to find another hunting partner."

- Talking about the Portland Trailblazers and their inconsistent play: "You never know what team is gonna show up on a given night, but you can bet they will be high."

- When asked about his daughter getting to the age where she's going to start dating, Charles said, "I figure if I kill the first one, word will get out."

You get the point. My 2nd favorite player of all time: The Round Mound of Rebound, Food World, Runaway Bread Truck,whatever you wanna call him - Charles call me, I got some ideas!!!!

9/11 is a Joke in Yo Town....

I don’t understand why people would flock to see Oliver Stone’s 9-11 flick, “World Trade Center.” Didn’t we just watch the real thing live and up close 5 years ago? Do we really need to see Nicholas Cage overacting to drive the point home that “hey, that really sucked”? This isn’t a movie about the Civil War or George Washington or Dubya's National Guard service – we actually have real, live documentation and footage of this event. Every minute detail is on film, documented, and as well as the 6 billion people who saw the footage on tv there are THOUSANDS of people that saw it live and up close that are very much still around. I’m sure Oliver Stone knows how to make a movie, but why would I want to watch some Hollywood-ized, over-wrought, “let’s sneak a romance in there!” version when I can just go back and see all the live footage, or the hours of documentaries explaining exactly what happened with computer animation, or watch the countless hours of witnesses’ testimony? Would I really prefer Nic Cage saving the day, and the over-the-top “heroism” of everyone the film depicts? I’m sure this is supposed to be an inspirational film; but how inspired can we be about a film depicting an event that basically led us to the riciculous shit-filled quagmire of a nation that we are presently in? Wouldn’t this be like showing a movie about the 1929 Stock Market crash to the Joad family? I mean, it’s not like we can spring outta our seats in the theater “yeah!! Let’s get ‘em!!!” when here we are, 5 years later…NOT gettin 'em.

I’m sure Stone is well-intentioned here, but this movie seems superfluous and reeks of Hollywood corniness – I’m sure by the end of the flick you’re exhausted from every over-the-top heroic moment, every dramatic by-the-numbers “they just opened up a can of whoop-ass!” scene. Camon. Another problem is when you make a movie about something SO recent, SO documented, we all know exactly what’s gonna happen. It’s not like you can really change too much.

Scene 1: New Yorkers waking to clear, bright day, going about their lives. Cue a big scene of a firehouse, dudes “horseplaying”
Scene 2: bam! Plane crashes into WTC
Scene 3: chaos rules
Scene 4: Rudy becomes heroic “Nation’s Mayor.” Hot dog vendors thorughout city rejoice as they are no longer his #1 target.
Scene 5: bam! Second plane crashes
Scene 6: firefighters rushing into buildings (I see a LOT of foreshadowing about this throughout beginning of movie)
Scene 7: buildings collapse
Scene 8: Nic Cage, whose 5 brothers are firemen as well as his father who died in a blaze 20 years ago "taking too many chances with the fire, dancing with the Beast!!!" either dies or doesn’t die, but saves a thousand people, all while telling his wife (and her black kid from a previous marriage!) how much he loves her.

Blah blah blah. You get my drift. THEREFORE, it occurs to me, the only way you can really make a 9/11 movie right now that isn’t cornball crap is to make a comedy. Turns out, I got a few ideas:

1) Steve Carell mans the Ray Gun of Freedom atop the WTC in NYC. A hum-drum life indeed; nobody has ever attacked NYC from the sky, but hey, you never know, might as well have a laser at the ready 24/7. He’s a nice guy, maybe a bit dull etc. Of course, the one morning our hero slips downstairs for a bagel…he looks up to see the first plane crash into his building. Hilarity ensues as his boss Ed Asner chews him out for 90 minutes.

2) In “Airplane 3”, we find out that in addition to the 2 WTC planes, the Pentagon plane and the Pennsylvania plane, there was a 5th plane hijacked, but in the cockpit were THESE guys .












The crew is non-plussed and thoughout the movie has no idea the plane is being hi-jacked, which drives the terrorists even crazier. And of course a whole new generation of questions “Ever seen a grown man naked? Ever download a donkey punch on your ipod?” is born.

3) I don’t care what the movie is, but if Danny Glover wanders through muttering “I’m too old for this shit” as bodies fall on top of him, I’m thinking “Oscar.”

4) Another cool one would be terrorists accidently hijack the “Girls Gone Wild” airplane. Hilarity ensues as both sides learn lessons about cultural tolerance. Well, before hurtling into a skyscraper at 500mph. Joe Rogan plays the GGW guy, and does his own stunts.

5) “Major League IV” – this time those whacky Cleveland Indians have to battle spiteful owners, the New York Yankees AND crazed Muslim terrorists. Best scene: Corbin Bernson and Charlie Sheen playing “hotbox” with a terrorist and his boxcutter. Well, right up til they crash into the WTC. CAMEO: Martin Sheen as President Bartlett, atop the rubble.

ANYway, you get the idea. It’s pointless to crank out some overwraught tear-jerker “triumphant” movie right now about 9/11. And those movies about Natalie Holloway aren't going to write themselves, people!!!

Happy Anniversary!!!!

Warm Xmastime wishes go out to Rrthur and his lady who celebrate their 10th wedding anniversary today. Wow. 10 freaking years, amazing. There's no way I could produce words that match such a moment in a couple's life.

I can, however, rerun the Rrthur segment from my wedding post a while back. Enjoy! Betty, call me!!!!

Wedding B (summer 1996, Connecticut) - sorry ladies, this was RRTHUR's wedding. Some highlights here. Almost got into a fight with a whole band after telling one of their wives to "shut the fuck up." They were nice enough to document the night with some flattering photos of me on the floor of the hotel hallway, naked and with their balls in the general vicinitiy of my face. Nice.

Of course, that wasn't even the highlight of this wedding. After, oh, 7000 beers the night before the wedding Xmastime starts recieving amorous attention from Sheena Baughn (name changed to protect the old, withered, sexless and GUILTY!!!) You should know that Mrs. Baughn was a) recently widowed b) next door neighbors to RRTHUR'S parents c) oh, I'd say about 65 years old. Did this matter to our guy Xmastime? Nah. tongues down each others' throats like the plane was going down. Hands all over each other. Hey, it was a woman - I believe it was Thomas Jefferson who said "beauty is only a light switch away." Anyways, somehow I got out of actually sleeping with her, but you can imagine the horror the next morning of running into her, then explaing to RRTHUR's parents that on the eve of their son's wedding night I hooked up with their neighbor 40 years my senior. Between the fright of that PLUS spending the weekend crying and whining about my first love being there (high school gf, NOT Sheena Baughn!) that wedding day was pretty traumatic. WEDDINGS 2, XMASTIME 0

ps - fast forward 2 years. I had moved to NYC, and RRTHUR and MRS. RRTHUR (sorry ladies!) went down home to visit, and ended up at a barn dance. No, that doesn't mean I danced with a barn. So we get there and BAM! there's Sheena Baughn, dancing away. Oh, shit. I immediatly decide "This might be a good night to NOT drink 100 beers. Or one drop. Or smell booze from someone talking." Total precautions were taken - I avoided her all night, spent most of the time talking to my old jv football coach Charlie Futchko who, what with his creamy-white doughy body, 70's porn mustashe, collection of skintight coach's shorts and inability to say the letter "r" "Gwegowy!! dwop your dwawers!!" deserves his own Xmastime post. But anyways I made it through the whole night without running into her, and as we're getting ready to load up to go home I breathe a sigh of relief when...an old, withered, senior citizen hand that was pumping equals parts feral sexuality and Ben-Gay landed on my shoulder and sent ripples through my young body not seen since I almost got caught beating off as a kid (by Mr. Futchko…4 times. I mean caught BY Mr. Futchko, not that he was beating me off…where was I...oh yeah, about to hit some skins with an old lady). I turn with dread to a beaming smile “Do I get a dance?” she asked. Why not? I thought, you already took away my ability to sleep with the lights off. My brain was racing – I knew if I just ran off to the car, word would get back to RRTHUR’s parents (no ladies, he wasn’t merely sent down from angels!) that I acted like a jerk. I quickly ingested the upcoming song – it was midtempo, meaning I didn’t have to fast dance, and I didn’t have to rub up all over her wrinkled-up groins either. I mumbled okay, we hit the dance floor and I started counting down the seconds that I knew were left in the song. So we’re bopping along, “dancing”, and then she says “You’re a good dancer.” I mumble somehting like “thanks” and BAM!!!!!!! She yanks me close, pulling me right up to her and says “what else are you good at?” POOOOOINGGG!!! I was sitting in the mini-van screaming at everyone to load in and got the fuck out of there tout suite.

Footnote:
POSSIBLE ANSWERS SHE WAS LOOKING FOR FROM ME WHEN SHE ASKED “WHAT ELSE ARE YOU GOOD AT?”

a) “Cunnilingus”
b) “Sitz baths”
c) “Being a stepdaddy to people older than myself”
d) “Fuckin old ladies on hay bales”
e) “Analingus”

XMASTIME

Happy Birthday to Me (Asshole)

Today's my birthday. 34. Ugh. I guess when someone hits 34, they should reflect a bit on who they are. Upon reflecting, I've discovered SURPRISE! I'm a loser. Great.

1) I’m funny. Actually, VERY funny. I am, more than likely, the funniest person you’ll meet in your lifetime. I’m quick, I’m witty, I’ll do highbrow, I’ll do lowbrow, I can do it all. I can make kids laugh, I can make your grandma laugh. I’m funnier than 90% of any crap you’ll see on tv or at the movies.

HOWEVER

I have somehow surrounded myself with people that are funnier. I can think of 5 close friends right off the bat that are funnier than me. As funny as I am, I’m not even the funniest in my family – my brother says about 17 words a day, and each one is funnier than the 14 hours a day I’m doing cartwheels with a clown face screaming “HI-YOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!” at people. In high school, I was voted the Class Clown. The year before, my brother was voted “Most Intelligent”, “Most Athletic” and “Most Likely to Succeed”, so obviously I decided that by getting Class Clown the next year I’d complete the coveted “Senior Superlative Grand Slam” for the family. Nice. Jokes on him, tho – he may have grown up to be rich, successful, with a wife and kid but I SERIOUSLY doubt he invented the peanut butter & Dorito* on Jewish rye sandwich.

* EDITOR - turns out Xmastime's brother DID invent the Dorito.

2) I’m empathetic. I genuinely care about people, about their plight/woes etc. If someone is sad or has a problem, they know they can come to me and tell me all about it and I will lend an ear.

HOWEVER

Guess what? I’m not listening. I actually listen and process about 10% of what I hear from people throughout the course of a day. I’ll nod my head and say “man” or “fucking A” every so often, but inside I’m either singing some song in my head or thinking about the next “classic” I’m gonna drop on someone. Just today I interviewed some girl to work for me and I went from “Mr. Roboto” to “Endless Love” to yet another fucking riff about “why haven’t sharks taken over the world yet?” Christ. I hired her, she left, and I have no idea where she worked previously, if she even graduated high school or if she’s Nathalie Holloway.

3) I am great in bed – I’m selfless, I never fail to completely satisfy the lady, and to make things even better I am an amazing kisser due to my perfect lips. Not once in my sexual career have I not left the woman quivering in a mess of fuck-pudding totally in awe of my acrobatics.

HOWEVER

Much like my once being able to suck my own big toe, the way things are looking this “amazing talent” will never see the light of day again. Of course, as they say, if I could suck my own big toe why would I even bother leaving the house?

4) I can cook. I LOOOOOOVE cooking. I read the books, I watch the Food Network all day, I love talking about cooking, thinking about cooking, I would rather be cooking right now. I like to sit people down and nurture them, feeding them food I’ve crafted with love.

HOWEVER

With all this “expertise” I can cook two things - fried chicken and a 5-lb meatloaf, both of which if you ever had 2 helpings your heart would immediately seize. To make matters worse I’m working on a batter to deep-fry meat loaf with; this way all you have to do is send in your RSVP to one of my dinner parties and your arteries will explode into ribbons.

5) I spend a lot of time thinking about those people that need our help the most: the poor, those who never know where their next dollar is coming from, living what Thoreau called “lives of quiet desperation.” I spend a lot of time thinking about the poorest, sickest of us; the unlucky, abandoned and forsaken and rail with rage as I figure out what I can do to help these people.

HOWEVER

Unfortunately it turns out that i AM one of these people, so...unless doings things like calling a bag of sunflower seeds a “meal” or pretending to be furious about losing the $20 you SWEAR you had in your pocket on your way over so that everyone else has to buy you beer is really helping the poor, homeless etc, I guess I’m not really helping things much. Well, at least not on a global scale, I reckon. Think globally, act locally, gimme a fucking dollar.

6) I’m really great at remembering people’s birthdays. I meet someone and they mention their birthday, then BAM! I got it locked in for life. Every year on your birthday I will call or write to you, making sure you know that on your day I’m thinking of you and wish you the best.

HOWEVER

These birthday greetings are usually accompanied with 20 minutes of “boy, can you believe I remembered your birthday? Wow, aren’t I something? How bout that! Are you right now thinking how wonderful I am because I remembered your birthday??!?! Wow!!” Christ. I remember a birthday, and I act like I’m The Amazing Randy pulling a gopher out of my ass “wow!! Look at that!!!!!” And of course I don’t “remember” to buy you a gift or buy you a round at the bar; surely my remembering your day is enough of a gift. Jesus fucking Christ.

7) One time about 14 years ago I saved a little girl’s life – she was about 3 or 4 I guess, and I saw a truck barreling around a turn in the road and could see that she was oblivious to it. I felt like I was in slow motion as I sprinted towards her from my own yard, I could vaguely hear her mother’s terrifying screams from the porch as my heart pounded out of my chest and I raced to her while she played with a doll that had long orange yarn for hair – I can still hear her singing something, I don’t know what, while the truck bore down on her. At the VERY last possible second I yanked her into the ditch and the truck sped by without touching her.

HOWEVER

Of course I’m fucking lying – one time 14 years ago I was driving down the road, heard a THUMP!! And in my rear-view mirror was a dog with four feet straight up in the air. I freaked out and sped on without stopping. Ass. Hole.


Alright I'm depressing myself now. Anyways, I'm sure 34 is gonna be Xmastime's year!!! :)


"Happy Birfday Xmastime!! Give us a hug big fella!!!"

Snakes & Blowjobs

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