It's Too Fucking Hot to Be Nice or Funny.

There are a few things that I'm sick and tired of hearing. Some are serious (war stuff), some are not so serious (everything else), but either way people saying the following things have really started to drive me bananas.

1)“I'm against the war, but support the troops”
Yes, I know, I’m a horrible monster – our patented response, no matter how vile we think this war is and how we’re against it we have to shrug our shoulders and say well, I guess we have to support the troops. This statement has started to chafe me as I realize hey, you know what? I DON'T support the troops. How can I be so against a war, against every layer of fabric that we purport to be fighting about/for, so convinced we've been lied to, yet be okay with spending $315 BILLION for this cause? This is called BEING A FUCKING PUSSY. The only money I want to send over there now is a one-way plane ticket back home for all the troops and lifetime gift certificates for the Budweiser and/or therapy they're gonna need when they get back and start living with how fucked up a situation they were put in, and that's if they're lucky enough to come back with all their limbs intact. They’ve gotten completely screwed in the name of greed and “Jesus”, and our pumping away more and more money is only doing them a disservice, giving our fake approval when we really just wish they’d come home and we spend $315 million on things like health insurance, education and things that really affect our everyday lives. I don’t give a damn about “Democracy in Iraq” if I can’t afford medicine for my sick kid who is 9 years old and can’t read. I am not assuaged by the fact that said money will be going to Haliburton, either. I’m weird that way I guess. Bring them all home - maybe one of them happens to be the guy that can explain K-Fed to me.

2) “Well, we have to stay in Iraq now”
Here’s one from people that don’t even try to fool you into thinking the war is going well or that we were right to go in there, but their weak-ass bit is “Well, we’re in there now, I reckon we have to stay the course” etc. Which of course is dumbass-ese for “well, now that we’ve taken thousands of Americans and placed them in the middle of a boiling cauldron that we don’t even begin to understand, complete with unusable equipment, sycophant “generals” and a coupla civil wars going on, I guess we have to leave em in there.” Ummm…no, you don’t. I missed the day in Sunday School where they said “2 wrongs make a right.” I’ve never started choking on a Chicken McNugget and thought “well, I guess I should shovel a few more into my gullet now that panic has set in and I can’t breathe.” Nobody gets in a car crash and figures well, I reckon I might as well plow though a few more cars since I’m already in this mess. No, you stop the bleeding, you get out. I’m sorry for all the people whose lives we’ve ruined in the Middle East, but our first priority should be the men and women that we sent over there based on…well, a bunch of fucking lies, so I don’t have to think of real words. Next time some dumbass uses this line, say “Really? Til when? EVERYbody’s dead?” And yes, I have done the thing with the McNuggets, get off my ass people. On a side note, I’ve come up with a new sauce for McNuggets for dipping – a combination of mayo and the skin from other McNuggets blended together. Smooth, chunky, and guaranteed to keep the girls away from you for a looooooooooong time.

3) “The Democrats don’t have a better alternative”
Here’s another classic. In response to the ATROCIOUS job that’s been done over the last 6 years, Conservative pundits love to say “hey, we haven’t heard of a better solution from the Democrats.” This might be true, but who knows when the same fuckheads have been running this circus for 6 years? This is like right before the 2004 election when these idiots were saying “well, I just don’t know if John Kerry is going to do better.” What the fuck??!?!!? What the fuck more would Dubya have had to had done (Editor: grammatically the previous 5 words are known as a “triple dangling gerundive participle to the 5th power) to make these idiots think “gee…maybe someone else could do better…”? Rape some Boy Scouts, burn down the Capitol? Give away the secret Coke formula? I saw it as a pure firing- no, I have no idea how Kerry would be, but Dubya had 4 years and basically we went from a country that was the just-outta-the-fryer Chicken Selects to a half-cooked McRib that someone left in the urinal like those piss-cake thingees. You had 4 years, you were terrible, goodbye. But no, Conservatives would shake their heads and try to scare people “Gee, do you really think Kerry will be better?” This is like wanting to fire someone for stealing from the office, but you think “well, I better keep him cause the next guy I hire, what if he steals from the office AND fucks my wife/husband/Flavor Flav?” For all we know John Kerry would’ve walked into the Oval Office, dropped a deuce on the Presidential Seal and appointed Tommy Lee “Secretary of Fuckstick.” We don’t know this, but we DID know we had a completely crooked, incompetent boob of a President and we still had people falling for this shit. “The Democrats don’t have a better alternative?” Isn’t it tough to imagine a worse one than what we have? Fucking Christ. OOooh –just thought of another McNugget choice: hollowed-out, intact skins from other McNuggets stuffed with little Big Mac chunks! Wow. My great-great-great-great grandson just had a heart attack. Ouch.

4) “It was worth it for an Iraqi democracy.”
This is fo the poor mothers and fathers that have to make sense of their son’s death. “Bobby wanted to be there, he would be proud he gave his life for democracy in Iraq.” Really? Listen – I don’t have a kid in the Middle East, I know that grief makes us say and believe things, and if a parent of a dead soldier read this and walked up and slapped me in the face, I’d understand. But do you think if the Army knocked on Bobby’s door in, say, Des Moines and said “Hey Bobby, how would you like to come halfway across the world to risk your life and limbs so that Iraq could become a ‘democracy’? It’ll be living hell, in the end we’ll probably accomplish nothing and about 40,000 of you will come back with no legs, but you could be part of shoving democracy down some country’s throat – grab your sneakers!” I’m thinking Bobby would say ahhhhmmm…no thanks. I promise you if given the choice of their son back and safe or an Iraqi democracy, Bobby’s parents would want him back, and it wouldn’t even be close. Though if they DID choose the other way, that would make for an awkward Thanksgiving whenever Bobby did get back. Given the choice of mission accomplished or going home, I promise you Bobby would be back in Des Moines planning his fantasy football picks and trying to beat the folks to the Victoria’s Secret catalog in the mailbox. I hope Toby Keith reads this so we can have his next hit “We STILL Ain’t Scared, and Xmastime’s a Pussy.” Any network that trots out these family members are purely exploiting their grief and need for their loved ones to have died for a reason; although I’m sure they mean it when they say it I don’t believe it and I’m tired of fucking hearing such absurd shit. These tv “pundits” should know better. And if someone’s taking up valuable tv time on things such as this I can’t help but wonder why am I listening to Mr. and Mrs. Doe from Des Moines when for all we know Paris and Nicole made up and I’m not getting the 411?

5) “She’s fighting cancer”
This is another thing people say to make themselves feel better. So & so is 94, has cancer, is immobile and in a hospital bed but we gotta say “Hey, she’s fighting it. She’s a fighter.” Is she? I dunno. You’re basically lying there – there’s nothing you can do with your hands, the medication’s not working; am I now to believe you’re using a Jedi mind trick to keep yourself alive? We always like to feel like someone hung there an extra day or two by sheer determination. Cause yeah, if there’s ever a period of my life I’d like to drag out a little longer it’s when I’m in bed shitting myself while my family hovers over top of me waiting for me to kick so they can all fight for my “Highlights” collection. I wanna be the other guy, so they say “Yeah, I dunno, I thought Xmastime woulda lasted a few more days, but he really seemed to give up and let himself die. Didn’t fight it at all. A quitter, some might say.”

6) “He/she’s going to a better place”
This one always cracks me up. The one thing we will never, ever know as humans is what it’s like after we die, but people sprain an ankle racing to be the first dipshit to say “Well, he’s in a better place.” I don’t know about that. First of all, right here we got blowjobs, cheeseburgers and baseball. We can go to the beach, tell Yo Mama jokes, we can pay an “escort” to put on blackface and pretend she’s Nell Carter from “Gimme a Break.” Seems to me like that’s tough to beat. I don’t know what’s on the other side and I never will, but I’ll take my chances with a world that has potato chips and “Alf” dvds. Secondly, if death means going to a place that’s better than here, and you’re sure enough of it to say it out loud, why wouldn’t you kill yourself?

7) “I wanna live close to my family”
I’m sick of hearing athletes say this shit to justify taking oodles more $$$ to play for a crappy team instead of joining one that has a chance to win a ring sometime this century. Umm, asshole….you make $10 million a year, can’t you make your family go where you want them to? Oh, right, I forgot, your wife is the assistant night manager for Wal-Mart, so you have to…stay in Florida and play for the Marlins. Gee, if only she could give up that primo job she has – I guess your salary only pays for the houses, boats, cars, children’s education as well as setting up your descendents for generations and SOMEone has to pay for Little Debbie snacks and thumbtacks. My mistake!

8) “His stuff is filthy/nasty”
I’ve noticed announcers during baseball games are trying to outdo each other with describing someone’s pitches. It used to be “Wow, Jim has a great curveball” or “Wow, Jim’s fastball is humming tonight.” Now the cool thing to say is “Ewwwww, Jim’s slider is NASTY!”, although this has recently been surpassed with “Ewwwww, Jim’s slider is FILTHY!!!” Filthy? Nasty? Seems a bit much. It’s just a ball being hurled from one dude to another, can we lay off the over-the-top nonsense? It’s only a matter of time before we’re hearing “Jesus, Jim’s curve is green diarrhea tonite!” or “Jim’s slider is a monkey-based strain of AIDS tonite!” Relax fellas, it’s only baseball.

9) “If you saw me at home, you’d see how normal I am!”
If I had a nickel for every time I’ve read/seen some dipshit model or actress saying this I’d have about $14. Hot chicks love to ASTOUND us that gee, at home she just wears jeans and a t-shirt!! Wow!!! Just like a normal person! Unbelievable!! Cause I guess we would normally picture you lolling about at home in a birdbath filled with the blood of the cast of “Gone with the Wind”, wearing dresses made of solid gold and steak from Peter Lugers. Give me a fucking break. I would normally picture you at home in some sort of casual attire, it’s not a big deal. Unless of course you’re Carnie Wilson, in which case I picture you face down in a bath tub filled with gravy while hooked up to your home liposuction kit.

10) “She’s not pretty in person!”
I’ve picked up that girls LOVE to see a famous actress/model and claim that in real life she’s ugly. Just today I heard two women talk about Christy Turlington; one had seen her and was VERY excited to report that in real life she is, in fact, “ugly.” Hmm. Doubt it. I’m sure there’s such a thing as being photogenic, but while the camera may add “10 pounds” I doubt it adds “hot.” Yes, I’m sure she looks her best when professionally dolled up; I doubt she looks like a dog in real life, I doubt some photographer or agent thought “I can take this disgusting, mauled-faced turd and turn her into Ashlee Simpson.” Whoops – I meant “turn her into a star.” My bad. Relax girls, we’re not gonna ditch you for Christy Turlington. Unless of course the situation comes anywhere near presenting itself, a la George Costanza and Marisa Tomeii, but what are the odds of that? I guess the male equivalent would be to see Derek Jeter at a batting cage somewhere and telling all your boys that in “real life” Jeter can’t hit for shit and looks bad doing it while we all clap with glee “I knew it!!”

11) “Hollywood is run by a bunch of Liberals!!”
Boo hoo hoo. You hear the fucking Right whining about this. Hey Assface, look at what town you’ve run for years….WASHINGTON DC. You’re in the White House, you control Congress and you’ve had what, 15 Supreme Court Justices appointed in the last year. So calm the fuck down; unless they drop “Howard the Duck II” on us I’m sure you can cause waaaaay more damage than anyone in Hollywood. Well, until this guy get’s his license back anyways.

Okay. All the talk about McNuggets has cheered me up a little bit. And sitting here yammering means I'm missing the 659 channels that have Poker on right now.