A Post Named Sue

November 3, 2006

Xmastime
100 Kino Plaza
Tappahannock, VA 22560

The Law Offices of Coen, Sheffield & Shemp, Esq.
221 Park Ave Suite 422
New York, NY 10012

Dear Sirs:

I am writing to inquire about a lawsuit I may pursue as per your counsel. I see the “President” George W. Bush is now saying that Democrats WANT the terrorists to win. We (Democrats) are hoping that the terrorists blow up a few American cities, maybe take over the whole country, and we are here to help them by, of all terrible things, disagreeing with the current administration and having the gall to wish to vote in a different set of leaders. While my first reaction to his comments was a laugh at the absurdity of such a thought, upon further rumination and some transitive reasoning I realized that this man, the “President” was calling ME a terrorist. As a proud American who loves baseball, apple pie and cheese out of a can I take GREAT offense to this and know that my only option at this point is to sue for slander. How can I be labeled as a terrorist by the man who holds the most powerful position in the world and expect to get a job? “Sorry mister, but you’re a terrorist. We’ll keep your resume on file...Al Queda fuck.” I’m overweight, dress like a 12 year old, don’t have a job and now I’m supposed to find a girlfriend with this “terrorist” label looming over me? How can I teach my godsons and nephew how to throw a baseball when the whole time I know they’ll be thinking “I shouldn’t be doing this, he’s a terrorist, I shouldn't be doing this...” I believe you see my point.

As this is my first lawsuit, I don’t know how or what to ask for damages, so I thought I’d throw a few things out there and you tell me what you think is fair compensation for this terrible crime upon me.

1) Perhaps if I win, I could get the car that Laura was driving when she killed her high school boyfriend? I figure it’s gotta be worth TONS on ebay – not only since it’s the actual car, but we might be able to assume that was the moment she turned into a robot with a fetish for retards, so there’s some historical significance there.

2) Or maybe as penance Dubya would have to finally attend the funeral of one of the troops he sent over to Iraq. And I don’t mean he flies in, pretends to look sad during the service and then says some trite words about the soldier being a hero before jetting off to Arby’s; he has to stay with the family throughout the 2 or 3 days from the wake to the funeral to the day after. He has to live with them, he has to hear them talk and cry, he has to make potato salad. I will give extra credit if he makes it through the whole thing without saying “Are we in Africa?”

3) I would also settle for that flight suit he wore during the “Mission Accomplished!” photo op and use it as he did. When my Celtics leap out to a 2-0 lead I’ll put it on and say “Mission Accomplished!”, not caring about the last 47 minutes or that we lose 124-78. Or maybe if I’m at the bar and as soon as I say hi to a woman, I zip up, “Mission Accomplished!” before she slaps me, throws a drink in my face and tells her friends my breath reeks. I do look good in green, must say.

4) Or maybe he can explain the irony that the most vociferous opponent to the theory of evolution, the single most powerful man who refuses to think that we descend from apes looks like this:

















5) I’ll take $100. Hey, a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks.

6) Maybe he can work it off; he can come by and clear all the brush in my yard. He seems to be good at it, he does it all the time. Maybe while he’s doing it he can “mull over important things” like stem cell research, or why Principal Belding never explained how Kelly and Jesse disappeared for a season and then came back all of a sudden. I can use the steam coming out of his ears to make popcorn.

7) Or maybe a night with Ann Coulter…Democrats may be godless Ann, but we also know that “G Spot” doesn’t mean “a thousand dollars.”

8) Maybe he can treat me to the buffet at Pizza Hut, I miss that thing. And while there, as I’m confused about this, he can explain what he means when he repeatedly says that the terrorists want the Democrats to be in charge. Why? Has watching this administration bungle the whole operation while their own numbers have grown begun to bore them – do the terrorists want a challenge? Do they feel like their outlandish success plus howling with laughter whenever Bush talks has become an embarrassment of riches? I’m confused. It’s like a game of hide and seek where you get tired of hiding; is Bin Laden gonna show up on the White House lawn “Jesus fucking Christ, I’m right here! Are you people even trying?” Would seem to me that the day Bush & Co. leave office will be a saaaaaad day in JihadLand. Like the day the substitute teacher leaves after an extended stay and you have to go back to knowing how to read.

9) But I will settle for the Pizza Hut buffet.

Anyway, as I said, I’m not familiar with how these things work, so I look forward to your counsel. Please call me and let me know how I shall proceed, and I thank you in advance for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
XMASTIME