Martha Xmastime

Was in the studio audience this morning for "The Martha Stewart Show"! Must say, as much as she's my girl (Mrs. Xmastime Senior Division with a bullet), in real life she looks really good. Tanned, slim, tall. Mainly, I was (and still am) flummoxed by the fact that for one hour, I was in the same room as a legitimate billionaire. Always weird to be in the presence of someone THAT successful; am reminded of when I met Bruce and realized I was meeting someone who was more successful in his own field than anyone I knew. Pretty amazing - studio is filled with dozens of people hustling around, busting their humps, their entire lives consumed with working for a single entity, the key to their futures completely dependant on a single person....and then all of a sudden there she was, beezing through to a granite counter. THE QUEEN BEE. Bizarre and thriulling at the same time; I can't fathom being that responsible for so much success, being the epicenter of such a kingdom. She walked us throughsome sort of fish pizza (ugh), taught us about bird feeders and answered such questions like "How do I store dried herbs?" and "Do you hav a line of cabinets?" Of course nobody asked my questions, "Seriously, how much fucking money do you have?" or "Do you wear a white tongety-tong-tong after Labor Day?" During commercials she was all business, never cracking a smile as her peeps hovered around her. Until, of course, she cut one. "Dang boiled peanuts" I heard her say, laughing.

The negative? The warm-up guy had us clapping, standing, ooohing and mmmmm-ing throughout; by halfway through I was fucking exhausted. Jesus christ. If I'm in the same room as Martha and I'm drenched in sweat she better be cooing in my ear "please get the fuck off me now", know what I mean? Well, and she spent a lil too much time pretending she cared about it being MLK Day. A mention from her on the subject is appropriate; her claiming that she wrote "most, but not EVERY" Negro spiritual seemed a bit much. Tho I did notice she apparently gave all her black employees the day off. Hmm. Cough.

Off the charts rich, hot for being 92 years old and S-I-N-G-L-E. These are a few of my favorite things, Martha - don't blow it. I await your email.