2007. So far, so incredible.
1) 2 days, 2 orders of pork egg foo young. I have learned it’s smarter to just get the white rice; fried rice in these joints blow these days. Each grain is separate and tastes like rubber. Ugh. I like a nicely steamed, together rice. Know what else I’d like? A fucking delivery person who carries change. Every fucking time now, they’re surprised. "Oh, you don’t have exact change?" When did this fucking happen? My bill is $8, I gave you $20, hmmm, yeah, maybe if you stand there and act like you don’t have change I’ll say ah, fuck it, keep it buddy!! Pretend to search your pockets all you want Sing Ho, I can fucking wait. Just like 3am at the Nest when I’m waiting for "Homeless Doris" to spend the last of her disability check and have to go home with somebody, I can fucking wait.
2) Soon after the clock struck midnight, tried to do one of those only-in-the-movies sudden kisses on a girl. Much like in one of those only-in-lesbian-movies, ended up with nothing but hair in my mouth. Ugh.
3) While babysitting, I discovered that if even the slightest thing is out of place while handling an infant, he will scream and cry. If the bottle isn’t 100% perfect, screams. Plastic buckle barely touching him in his crib thingee? Screaming. But he doesn’t seem to mind it if, after eating, I put him over my shoulder to burp him and basically pound the hell out his back. Or if I go through the cabinets and touch every dish in the house with my nuts. Kids, eh?
4) Watched about 6 hours of a "MASH" marathon. Seriously, if the Professor was so smart, why can’t he fix the fucking boat?
5) Cat-sitting for a friend. Walked in the door, cat looks at me and immediately shits on the floor. Jokes on him, though – my very being is not synonymous with the word "pussy."
6) Found my senior year high school yearbook. Realized my dad had autographed it for me…"Son, you are a pussy." Hmm. Shitting cat 1, Xmastime 0.
7) Watched a bunch of the President Ford memorial stuff, finally shrugged and thought you know, the biggest thing about this guy is he was married to a fabulously rich alcoholic with one titty.
8) ….who is now single!!!!! (putting on Canoe cologne)
9) Wondered if I’d have sex in 2007, went to my trusty magic 8 ball. Gripped her tightly with both hands, closed my eyes and asked the question, opened my eyes and read "Not without buying me dinner first, fat ass."
2007. fucking christ.
2 comments:
Magic Eight Ball is incorrect, sir. You WILL get laid this year. And if the thoroughness of my constantly washing thy nutsack has anything to do with it I shall be proud.
And the M*A*S*H crowd could never leave the island it was Mrs. Howell's fault.
I can't vouch for you getting a nut, but I know for a fact that you'll never be able to keep a lady if you continue to emit that cacophony when you're asleep. Jesus Christ, man, it's like a Stegosaurus stuck in a tar pit!
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