Right Wing Radio, We Had A Good Run....

I think my fascination with right-wing radio is coming to a close. I mean, the craziness, it’s too much. To be fair, I listened to Air America for about 10 minutes and it’s the same shit. Preaching to the converted, buncha cheerleaders etc. Who are these shows even for? If you listen to one, you’re a right wing freak; if you listen to the other you’re a liberal freak. Nobody calls in to argue, nobody calls in and says “I’m skeptical, convince me”, no one offers an out-call rim job for under $400. No one.

Today’s Hannity highlight: a woman calls in practically in tears because she had to explain to her 7 year-old daughter who was watching Gore’s appearance on tv what a hypocrite and how just plain EVIL Al Gore is for his global warming stuff. First of all...evil? Evil seems strong, no? I mean, you can be skeptical, you can disagree but the guy IS trying to save the planet. He’s not raising money to build an oven to burn puppies, is he? He’s already a very wealthy man. Bringing this stuff this far surely would diminish his presidential hopes as opposed to laying low. So what does he have to gain? Why would he be doing such a thing? How hot do you think such an oven would hafta get, just off the top of your head?

“Gore is using it to change our economic agenda!” my good good good buddy Seansy is screaming. I see. He wants to take our money and use it.....to have our home NOT turn into a ball of fire. What. a. fucking. dick!!!! I guess if you can’t piss all our dough away in a fake war and kill a bunch of people, what’s the use of even having money? Did I just write bumper sticker? And, using pure logic, if Gore is “evil” for trying to save the planet, then wouldn’t “good” theoretically be destroying the planet? Isn’t that logical? Shouldn’t we all be out desperately shooting hairspray into the air all day and firing nuclear missiles at the glaciers? How much in carbon dioxide emissions would be created by burning, say, a Labra-doodle?














"You call that hot? Turn it UP, you fucking pussy!!"




Now that I think of it, what the fuck is this little girl even doing watching the hearings? What kind of fucking life does this kid have? When I was 7, I didn’t even think the terrorists that took our hostages were “evil”; I was too busy busting my ass to get the spot on the floor right in front of Mrs. Iovino so I could look up her dress while she read us “A Wrinkle in Time.” I mean, there’s child abuse, and then there’s sitting your kid in front of fucking C-Span for chrissakes. One of them you come away scarred forever having lost the ability to trust people; the other one is child abuse. Fucking hell.

I really hope MR. Iovino doesn’t know how to use Google.

And hold up...why wasn’t this little bitch at school? Wtf?

I dunno. Another favorite of mine is these guys love to rail against the “mainstream” media that they’re not part of, this “left wing” media that lurks in every home; that completely monopolizes the airwaves 24/7. Hannity and the Gang, they’re the outsiders, desperately trying to get their righteous word out....Really? I dunno, looking at this list, seems like right wing radio is doing pretty fine. Incredible, even. That coupled with Fox News et al makes me laugh at this “underdog” claim, just like Rudy marveling that “a kid from Brooklyn!” could one day run for President. Yeah. What scrappy, scrappy underdogs these guys are. Like George Bush’s amazing, improbable journey to the White House, rising like a phoenix from the ashes of...the White House. Inspiring.

A few minutes ago, just after explaining to us that “homos” are the reason for the extinction of the white race, Michael Savage defiantly invited Gore on his program and laid out the questions he’d ask. I can’t remember them all, but they include:

“Name the planets, in order from the sun” Savage screams that right off the bat, this will show that Gore “has NO idea what he’s talking about!!” I don’t even know what to make of this. I hope he’s not serious about that being his “gotcha!” question. Would be a great strategy in a court of law, wouldn’t it?

“Mr. Doe, you claim that McDonald’s food is high in fat and is contributing to obesity in society, is that correct?”

“Yes sir.”

“Really. Now, Mr. Doe,” smugly snickers as he looks at his assistant who didn’t even bother bringing notes or a briefcase and has his Jet Blue tickets to Aruba in hand, “Mr. Doe, can you name the ingredients in a Big Mac?” folds hands, moonwalks back to table, high-fives assistant. Awaits applause.

“Two all-beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed bun.”

Shocked. Silence. “Um....ah...ah...that’s all the questions we have, your honor.”

Assistant crumples tickets in hand, beats head on table.

Now, if Gore somehow does get lucky and answers this question that every 7 year-old knows (including our young girl above, who right now is probably watching the NASA Channel and at the age of 5 invented the “Which planet is an asshole? Uranus!!” joke), Savage plans to attack by asking Gore if he can explain how Mars seems to be going under a warming as well, when ta-da! there’s no humans there! No humans to blame, so it’s not OUR fault, so why are you wasting time with this??!!!

And that’s a big problem. Gore has repeatedly said this is not a political problem; it’s a moral one. But the knee-jerk reaction is “dammit, Gore is a Democrat, so I will fight this cause I’m a Republican!” by attacking his claim that we’re the cause. I mean, what would Gore have to come up with to get these people on his side?

“Al Gore is here to spew that global warming crap!?!?!?!!! No, no no!! I will not have it, we will shout him down, we must-

“Actually, he’s got the Kim Kardashian sex tapes”

“Everybody shut up!! Sit down and shut the fuck up!! Reggie, hit the lights!! Mr. Vice President, you've lost some weight!! Speak!!”

I guess their thinking is if we can discredit his claim that we’re part of the problem, we can get back to giving our money to Halliburton. Fact is, the planet is warming at an irreversible speed. If we choose, we can slow it down. I wish Gore would pick up on what I’m saying and say hey you know what? It’s all MY fault. Or hey, the problem is caused by kittens. Or aliens; whatever, just instead of being defensive, can we get to doing what we need to be doing?

But no. Unless God comes down and says “yeah, it’s ya’lls fault”, as long as we can’t prove 1000% that we’ve directly caused it, nothing will happen. And yes, when I imagine God's voice it's the same as Taylor Hicks. Hey, how many "Seoul Patrol!" jokes do you think he gets when he hits a Chinese food joint? Well. Prolly none since Seoul is in Korea ("The Cousin Oliver of the Orient"!!) Anyways. Sometimes I wonder if this is BECAUSE Gore isn’t saying, “this will happen in your lifetime.” There’s a creepy part of the whole Christian side of things, that every “real” Christian honestly believes The Rapture will occur in their lifetime. “Of COURSE the world will end and Jesus will come back while I’m here; why else am I a super-Christian? Why else am I going to church? What’s Neil Diamond doing here?” Like people who run around with “The World is Ending!!” signs and then are disappointed when it doesn’t happen. We can’t fathom that something so huge wasn’t laid out to happen just for us. Ask a Red Sox fan. So the second Gore starts saying that the actual fireball of destruction won’t happen in our lifetime, our minds start wandering back to titties and “Growing Pains.” Or “titties that were on ‘Growing Pains.’” Or “How to Fist Someone in a Wheelchair IV.”

Sorry. Couldn’t resist. You know I gotta go blue every once in a while, I apologize for the crassness. And obviously the answer is to put on the brakes, shove them out of the chair, pull down the elastic waistband pants and start fisting.

Finally, it’ll be a miracle if any of these people on the radio can go 5 minutes without celebrating Bush’s speech yesterday “Wow!! Thank GOD President Bush has FINALLY stood up to the Democrats!!! He’s decided enough is enough, he’s done bending over backwards being nice to these people!!”

Really? Has the Democratic yoke of power the last 6 years been THAT bad? Wow, had no idea. I saw a guy chopping up the Constitution with unbridled fervor and desperately trying to okay torture and booting out attorneys who don’t “Hiel Georgie!” quickly enough; sneering at bi-partisanship like me at someone reaching for one of my curly fries. And pushing us into a war so that he could take his medals home to pin on Daddy’s fridge. I had no idea he was curled up on the floor, crying his eyes out cause the Democrats were bullying him. Plucking him on the back of the head on the school bus? Atomic wedgies in front of Laura? Wow. Had no idea. Way to go, W! Again, the oppressed finally having their moment. You did it.

So my career as a listener of talk radio is over. Mike and the Mad Dog notwithstanding, of course. Wait, wait...Laura Ingraham’s coming on...I’ll stop in a few hours. (goodbye pants)

XMASTIME

Postscript – just heard some talk show cat on WABC, I don’t know which one he is, screaming about abortion. Which is, he says of course, murder. Some guy’s like i dunno, the baby is INSIDE the woman, it’s hers and our guy asks “If it’s okay to kill a baby because it's inside a woman, is it okay to kill a man who’s inside her during sex?” wow.