Xmastime Restaurant Review

KITCHEN DELIGHT
167 North 8th Street, Brooklyn
ZERO Xmas Trees

New joint that opened up, I was excited there was a place nearby that delivers burgers n fries. Cause, you know....that’s what I really need. So I dial up and order the, and I quote, “Super Delight Burger” with cheese fries.

Awful.

I open up the foil and am at first impressed. Some fancy baguette. Mmm, I think. Must be good. Of course it turns out that all their money went into the fucking bauette, which apparently is french for “overwhelmingly chewy crap-bread that I wouldn’t eat to get Star Jones off my lap.” Picked it up to eat, a pile of lettuce falls out and ta-da!...brown. Oh, goody. Then upon review, I see there’s ketchup. Which I had asked to be removed. But, like every other fucking joint in this country, the “chef” assumes I don’t know what I’m talking about and slaps some on. Fuckwad. And where’s the fucking cheese? I can BARELY detect some, but fucking christ, I’m sick of ordering a cheeseburger, paying 50 EXTRA FUCKING CENTS FOR THE CHEESE, and needing fucking Lee Majors to find the goddam shit. The Gladness Honor Roll would be furious. From now on, no more fucking cheese unless there's so much I know I'd better eat it on the goddam bowl.

And finally, the meat. I am not even exaggerating here when I say it by FAR was the worst I’ve had in memory. First of all, cold. Cold. Modern science has just not cracked the code on keeping food warm for 4 minutes, I guess. Luckily I was distracted from it’s coldness by noting that is was cooked til it had the texture of charcoal and a taste to match. And I don’t think I’m being overly cautious when I say that by making a comparison I owe charcoal an apology. Unreal. Awful, terrible fucking burger.

As for the fries, blech, who gives a shit, I don’t even know why I bother with fries at this stage in my burger career. Is it even possible to get excited about fries anymore? I keep saying I’m gonna take a break from them so that when I go back I’ll appreciate them, but like the same promise I make to stop putting peanut butter on my ass cheeks and call Wally the Wonder Fuck Pig over, I never fucking do it. I would’ve been better off taking the crappy cheese sauce they give you, painting my toe nails with it and then blowing my fucking head off. Fucking hell.

And, of course the price. At $6.75 WITH a soda, I thought it was fairly reasonable. Of course, by the time it got to my door it had mysteriously jumped up $2. Hmm. One dollar of which I ascertained was a “delivery charge.” What the fuck is this? I’m paying you an extra fucking dollar for placing the shit into a paper bag? Wouldn’t the “delivery charge” be the tip I gave the delivery guy? Even though all of a sudden he couldn’t speak English and explain why my meal had increased in price by, oh, 29.6%???

Anyways, place fucking blew chunks, don’t go. Awful. Certainly not a delight, doubtful there's even a kitchen.