XMASTIME

Saturday, April 27, 2024

Curb Your Fucking Trail Mix

Turns out that Larry David really gets me when it comes to Trail Mix. 😡😡😡😡

I don't think a lot of people understand how dramatically jumping right back into the verse after the first chorus can help a song go from a 7 to a 9, easy as pie. I'll use ~~these two~~ examples to demonstrate my thesis; ~~the first from legendary British band The Kinks and the second~~ by legendary 100 Metropolitan Avenue band Hayday.

[NOTE: grrrrrr....I had to remove The Kinks' Dead End Street due to copyright bullshit grrrr)

Xmastime · MS- Hayday 2

Unbelievably Believable

Kristi Noem [FULL DISCLOSURE: I would do her] has big plans for national office as a young GOP superstar which means of course she just put out a memoir, and in it she includes a story of shooting her 14-month old dog because it wasn't doing a good enough job as a hunting dog:
She was roundly condemned as a “sadist” and “puppy killer” on social media as news of the story spread. But she seems to be tapping into the controversy to peddle copies of her book, writing on X: “If you want more real, honest, and politically INcorrect stories that’ll have the media gasping, preorder ‘No Going Back.’”
I have 100% faith that not a single Republican will spend even a second of self-reflection to consider what kind of asshole you have to be such that someone brags about a story of themselves willfully shooting a puppy to death because they think it will impress you. Incredible.

Hope's a Wonderful Thing.

For the three days of the week I go into the office for work I take the Metro, which is about an 8-minute walk from my apartment building. Throughout almost the entire walk you can see when the train comes pulling up to the station, and I've learned that unless I'm about 20 steps from the escalator down to the train I'm not gonna catch it, so there's no point in bothering to panic & speed up if I do see it while I'm walking.

The other day about a minute into the walk I sensed someone walking up behind me, and became greatly annoyed as he seemed to want to sidle up next to me and start fucking chatting. Before I could do an oh HELL no and quickly disabuse him of such a terrifying notion, we both saw the train coming towards the station. We're not even close to halfway there so it didn't even occur to me to speed up, and besides that I was focused on working up enough Jedi mind control steam to make this motherfucker disappear.

Which, incredibly, is exactly happened:

Just as I was about to declare my entire day officially ruined, I heard him shout "oh shit!" and just like that he took off like a jackrabbit, presumably expecting to catch the train despite not being able to run at the speed of light. I felt a mixture of relief, "fuck you!", and mild bemusement in a "go get 'em, kid!" way even though I knew that when I finally ambled down into the station to wait for the train he'd be standing right there waiting for it too.

A Day in the Life, with Xmastime

Here's an inside peak into what a day in the life of me in a work meeting looks like. You're welcome, Earf!

USA! USA! USA!

In only about 120 years as a society we've sprinted from the concept of noblesse oblige (I was born into great wealth & therefore it is my duty to take care of those less fortunate than me) to American Dream success stories like Joe Kennedy (I will use this great country to make a kazillion dollars and in return will demand my children commit themselves to public service with the intention of helping those less fortunate than themselves) to today where we have Super Shitheads (it is our duty under God to do whatever we can to make the incredibly super-rich slightly more incredibly super-rich by doing everything we can to convince the least fortunate among us to transfer what little wealth they had upwards into the hands of the incredibly super-rich).

Way to go guys. Awesome.

Oh FFS du Jour

Whenever a black guy gets shot to death for no reason by the cops we eventually find a "reason" like oh he sold a joint once or he was late returning a library book eight years ago so we can tell ourselves the cops were justified and meanwhile Trump is stomping around whichever one of the 100 courtrooms he's supposed to be in at any given moment flopping his genitals everywhere daring someone to punish him for crimes we have perfectly documented on video & audio and it's all all we can do is twist ourselves in knots desperately trying to find a way to keep him from being punished. It's insane.

Friday, April 26, 2024

Happy 91st Birfday Carol Burnett!!

There are a few people who have done nothing but make the entire world a better place, and Carol Burnett is one of them. 🤗❤️🤣🤣

I Miss You, China Taste

Here's what I wrote 15 years ago about China Taste, my first go-to Chinese restaurant when I moved to Williamsburg, that I talked about with Mike on this week's episode of EGG FOO WHAT?!

Kinda crazy how many things from the post are still hot topics for me on he show.

Enjoy! 😜😜🕺🥡🥡

So today let's all raise a pork bun to my #1 all-time greasy Chinese joint in all of NYC. Godspeed, China Taste. You're going to that Great Wok in the Sky. Every time I hear a knock on the door, I will secretly pray it's you. And I will have my pants on. For the love of god and all I know sacred, I will have my pants on...CONTINUE READING

XMASTIME 15 Years Ago Today #XOTD2009

Ahhh yes, the Swine Boy Origin Story!

When I moved to NYC over 11 years ago, the first job I had was graphic designer for a string of copy shops in mid-town. Coming from Virginia was bad enough, but I had just come from living in Mississippi for 2 years, so the people I worked with got a kick out of me being the resident Jethro straight-off-the-farm; they were probably mildly amused I was familiar with indoor plumbing.

For some reason, my first week there I literally broke every thing I touched. Computer, printer, 2 copy machines, the fax. My beefy paws touched it, it broke, finally prompting Parish, the copy machine tech guy who was from Trinidad and every single thing he said was funny, to blurt out "Dammit, you hafta be careful with the equipment, you're not back on the farm wrestling hogs Swine Boy!!" From then on, I was "Swine Boy."

🐷🤗🕺🤣

OK I Really Wanted to Let This One Go But They Pushed Me Goddammit 😡😡😡😡

Interviewer: Which breakfast cereal mascot would you most want to punch in the face?
Sarah Cooper: oh my God you know, Count Chocula because I don't like math

I know it's a light "who cares?" interview but her hack joke about Count Chocula is beyond hacky; I know it's an easy go-to for comedians to do the ol' "don't make me do math!" trope but Count Chocula has nothing to do with counting, that's the Count from Sesame Street (my favorite Sesame Street character!), and I'm putting the other 2 guys on blast for not jumping in and pointing this out. 😡😡😡😡

Seinfeld on Comedy

Earlier today I mentioned getting to hear Joe Strummer talk about The Ramones being pure magic & I have to say the exact same thing about Jerry Seinfeld talking about the role of comedy & class in America. Fascinating.

Comedy really defined the first moment in American culture where we really created a context for upward mobility. I mean, that was the whole idea of America. Let's have a place where you rise and fall based on your ability and eliminate the class system. So people were encouraged to kind of step up, and let's see what you have, and that is the comedic metaphor, really, is if you think you can do this, go ahead. Standup comedy is wide open. You don't have to know anybody. You don't have to have connections. You don't have to be trained. They just go, well, get up there. So, and I think Americans kind of like that. That's our country. That's what we love about it. It's like, you wanna do something? Go ahead, try it. If you can do it, you're in, you can't, you're out.

Enough is Enough Already

I wanna believe it was always said earnestly and I am not shitting on any drummers out there, including Stewart Copeland, but can we declare a fucking moratorium on the whole "drummers wanting to show you how adorkable they are by claiming Animal from The Muppets is an actual drumming influence" thing? I mean can we just stop it? It's cute & sweet but it's completely played out and now completely reeks of bullshit & I think we should all just move the fuck on already, can we do this please? Thanks!

O. M. G.

I'VE DONE THE IMPOSSIBLE: I used both cold & warm butter to make the single greatest grilled cheese of all time!! Don't believe it? Hear it for yourself!! #eggfoowhat 🤗🧈🧈

A Quick Note of Worry for You People (You're Welcome)

I really wanna see it but the desperate needy marketing of the new Seinfeld pop tart movie has me worried; I sniffed that bullshit out with Anchorman 2 and I don’t mind saying it would break my heart a little bit if I start sniffing it a little too much here. 😔 Fingers crossed!

Questions. I Have Them.

Why is it that when some old motherfucker tries to explain how begrudgingly they're okay with gay people or any other "nontraditional" sexual relationship they dismiss their intimate relations by always using the phrase, "get up to", as in "hey, I don't care what they get up to in the privacy of their own bedroom"? The hit rate for this is like 100%, and I've literally never heard any of them refer to heterosexual activity in such a way, so...dafuck? 🤔🤷‍♂️