"GULLIBLE", A One-Act Play by Xmastime

INT. WEGMANS – NIGHT 11:26pm

XMASTIME

I have to say, I'm surprised 

I'm not as gullible about some 

things as you'd think.

 

ALSO XMASTIME

Oh, who's being gullible now?

 

THE END

Advice for Young People. I Have It.

I don't consider myself to be a man of great wisdom and I don't think anybody ever looks to me for advice but as I see all the young people in my life growing closer to adulthood there's one piece of advice I would like to pass on to them: just as we learned about muffin tops from Elaine Benes, when ordering a cheeseburger you plan to eat without the bun, don't actually order it without the bun - order it as you normally would with the bun & then remove it yourself, as it's the bun that seals in the heat & flavor that you'll miss out on when the dried-out hockey puck you've ordered arrives.

PREVIOUS ADVICE HERE

In America.

I haven't really mentioned Epstein's Island as much as you'd think before the previous post; however, I can't help but vent about the circular logic that got us here: the people who were sick of the elites being elected to run things stuck it to the elites by insisting that the people who were elite enough to be flown around on private jets to have sex with underage girls be elected to run things.

Incredible.

Please Stop Electing Billionaires Please

I've been quite vociferous in my stance that while I'm not anti-billionaire (I wish I was one) we absolutely need to keep them out of our politics and Epstein's Island is just another one of the million reasons - a lot of the shit that's happening right now may be a direct result of it and I just *have a feeling* that if we elected somebody who was, say, a pharmacist, at no point in their journey would they have been approached with an offer to be flown on a private jet to a secret location to have sex with underage girls, I mean I just don’t think that happens. 

Taxes, Moving, Blah Blah Blah

Doing my taxes is like moving; I'll dread it forever & then be all "well my entire day is fucked!! this is gonna be a fucking nightmare" and before I even realize it's all done, at which point I start to wonder whether or not I should be a little bummed at just how spartan my life really is. 

Maybe It's Me.

I mean I just don't understand how you write this entire article without mentioning George Carlin. 🤔🤯🤯🤯

 

Business Ideas. I Have Them.

Is there a Spotify for concerts? Bands don't want people recording shit at their shows, but it's incredibly easy to film/archive any show as long as someone in the room has an iPhone. 

There’s a gazillion people who don’t have the time or $$$ to go to a show on any given night of the week, and there’s also a gazillion people – I can personally attest to this, having lived where I lived for the first quarter-century of my life – who don’t live within an hour or so of a venue touring acts perform at. 

Meanwhile we’ve all gotten used to such things as:

1) getting all the music we want on Spotify

2) realizing that sometimes an at-home experience is better (see football)

3) older people not going out to see live music because of the idea that it’s for young people only

Why not set up a system wherein all the venues stream all the performances for subscribers, just like Spotify with music? Say I pay $15/month – oh look, now I can watch Camper Van Beethoven in DC at the 9:30 Club! Or John Doe in Minneapolis at First Avenue! And guess what, just like with watching football at home instead of in person I can pause the show to go to the bathroom, get something to eat, talk about the show to friends etc etc without having to wrestle a mob of sweaty strangers to the goddam ground. The bands gets paid, the clubs get paid, and millions of people who otherwise couldn’t have experienced a show at all get to do so in the comfort of their own home. The service can have bonus features like interviewing the bands backstage, guest winners "meeting" the musicians on Zoom, having real-time suggestions from viewers on the setlist etc etc.

AND the people who DO go to the shows don't have to worry about capturing it themselves, they can just be in the moment & enjoy the show like in the olden days!

LOOKING FOR INVESTORS, PEOPLE!! 💰💰💰💰💰

JUST Saying...

...I've said it before & it's nagging me again: it's kind of weird that Trump, seemingly the most childishly-driven vengeance-obsessed person ever in human history who is on tv 24/7 blurting out any thought that pops into his head at any moment, has not once mentioned the guy who tried to shoot him in 2024. 🤔

In America.

"They should have just let Trump buy the Buffalo Bills" is the new "somebody should've just bought one of Hitler's paintings".

This is News?

Yeah thanks but when a broke-ass 70 year-old just hanging on for dear life lands a fucking 38 year-old model/dancer let me know, until then zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Incredible, Just Incredible du Jour

Mostly these days I only check in with The Daily Show to see if Ronny Chieng is screaming at me, so I had no idea that when this clip started it would just get better and better & is definitely my favorite thing on The Daily Show that I can fucking remember. 🤣🤣🤣🤣

(skip past the dull af shit in the beginning to the 1:25 mark!)

Fuck John Roberts

If he's pissed about this just wait until he hears about the time 6 assholes walked into a room and decided to declare the president to be above the law, I mean he'll really lose his shit then.

Speaking of Jonathan Richman's Incredible ROADRUNNER

Don't forget I ranked my favorite songs called ROADRUNNER a few years ago:

1) Roadrunner - The Modern Lovers

2) Roadrunner - Roadrunner tv theme song

3) Roadrunner - Junior Walker & the Allstars

"BH Niner", A One-Act Play by Xmastime

INT. CHEZ XMASTIME – NIGHT 10:46pm 

XMASTIME

How is even possible you don't already own the 

complete Beverly Hills 90210 series on Apple TV?

ALSO XMASTIME

Hey I'm as surprised as you are.

THE END

Wordle Rollercoaster

I somehow went from "wow I'm an idiot" to "jesus I'm even a bigger idiot than I thought I was a second ago" to "wow I yearn for the days before I realized I was THIS fucking stupid" aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaall the way to "oh, what genius have I now unleashed?" in exactly 3 minutes.

Oh Dear God Wegmans Bakery

This somehow reeks not only of depression but "depression inside Grandma's living room in 1973", I mean dear god Wegmans bakery.

UPDATE HOURS LATER: oh please Wegmans don't even try with this bullshit. (eyeroll)

An Open Letter to the People Who Make the Decisions at Pluto TV (which I love love love! Usually!)

Dear People Who Make the Decisions at Pluto TV (which I love love love! usually!),

Nobody loves Teen Wolf more than me - and you know this, man - but I don't think anybody has the onions to actually label it a thriller with a straight face, do they? COME ON, people who make the decisions at Pluto TV (which i love love love! usually!) Knock it off!

I remain, 

Xmastime

Xmastime So Sayeth, So Sayeth Xmastime

I Am Rocked, People, ROCKED! And Not in the Good Way!!!!

Roadrunner by the Modern Lovers is the single greatest rock & roll song ever. - XMASTIME

As of this morning I would have taken a bullet (in a buttock) (not the good one) for Jonathan Richman, but then I found out that he's only ever played Roadrunner live 5 times since he wrote it in 1970, only once since 1990 and refuses to play it because he "can’t play songs I don’t feel anymore. "😲🤯😡

I am gobsmacked; I can’t believe we're in a world where this is happening, to say nothing of how am I just now hearing about this??? HOW IS THIS NOT AN EMERGENCY VH1 BEHIND THE MUSIC 10-PART NETFLIX SERIES???? 😲🤯😡

And you’re welcome for waiting so long to make a shitty "that's like The Colonel deciding in 1975 to stop frying fucking chicken" joke here. 😡😡😡😡

And FUCK YOU Spotify 😡😡😡😡 for always trying to make me hear some shitty alternate take of what should be considered the greatest rock & roll song of all time. 😡😡😡😡

Xmastime Classixx: 10 Years Ago Today on Xmastime