Fatty Fat Fatterson

I see scientists have found a gene that can add up to 15% more body fat on certain people. In today's world this means they will work to isolate the gene, and use this as a quick fix to make fat people skinny again. Now, me of all people should be banging on the door for this, and very quickly before my heart seizes the next time I wrap a piece of buttered bread around a raw hot dog during "Rosanne." And by "wrap a piece of buttered bread around a raw hot dog during "Rosanne", you know I mean "taking a piece of Wonder bread, laying on some Krasdale spread, only $1.99/bucket, wrapping said bread around a chicken/pork/beef frankfurter that I can't even be bothered to wait til it's cooked, and stuffing it down my gullet, along with it's 4 other heroic brothers while sitting absolutely still on he couch as Becky and Mark move back into Dan and Rosie's house for the 9th time." Oh, did you think that was a euphimism for jerking off? You KNOW if you try to fire off a round to Becky, you have about 15 seconds before Rosanne wanders onscreen; it's impossible. Where was I? Oh yeah.

Yes, I know some people are just born fucked when it comes to obesity and it will never change, so that's one side of it. But I think it's safe to assume the mass of us are like me: just fucking lazy. Now if I can just easily have this gene manipulated, doesn't this just unfairly level the playing field? If I can't get off my fat ass, exercise and lay off the buttered croissants deep-fried in leftover fois gras grease and dipped in chocolate, isn't that a real character flaw that SHOULD keep me from scoring with the supermodel of my dreams? What's next, removing somebody's "asshole" gene? Someone's "cheating with your sister in a Cub Scout uniform soaked in urine" gene? Our various pros and cons are what we use in the jockeying for women's attentions; how long til we're just the exact same guy? And at the point of absolute conformity, ironically, every dude on the planet could then make an agreement to let themselves get fat, eschewing the gym for chicken mcnuggets, since if we're all the exact same anyways, chicks have to accept it....hmm...maybe I'll just let everyone else catch up...(warming up frozen tater tots in my armpits)