Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, I'm Sleeping with Snakes

I don't truck much with the ground-into-the-ground-let's-get-a-pretend-laugh truisms we all throw about on a daily basis re: men and women. Men are dullards who forget anniversaries, would rather jerk off to "Sports Center" with their buddies than commit to a woman; women are nags who want to talk feelings 24/7 and, of course, "crazy." Blah blah blah. I always assume in the end people are all kinda the same, we're all nice, we're all crazy, we all want the same things.

But then I think of Halle Berry. Has some flick coming out, so she's all over the place. And when I think of her, it occurs to me you know what, maybe dudes ARE crazy. Maybe we ARE fucking idiots. I mean she's been married TWICE, and got divorced both times. Both times because of the dudes acting like complete jackasses, not because she realized "I'm Halle Berry for fucks sake, I can do better!" Christ. David Justice was married to her til one day he decided "You know what...I get to sleep with arguably the single hottest chick in the country every night. All she asks in return is that she be able to devote herself to our lives together...yeah, it's definitely time to start slapping her around." Hmm. Makes sense to me!

And then the next dipshit, Eric whatshisname. This dude's a complete nobody, somehow gets plucked outta the nethersphere to be Mr. Halle Berry. What does he do? Run baths for her, you say? Rub her feet all night while baking her sugar cookies? Nah. Our guy Eric decides "you know what...this is probably a good time to start fucking other women." Excuse me? I'm blind as a bat, and even I can see this:





















And then of course he blames it on his affliction, his being, ahem, "addicted to sex." Oh no! He has a medical problem! Poor Eric! It's called "Ihaveadick-itis", dumbass. You're married to fucking Halle Berry!!! We're ALL sex addicts, and you have the woman we all wanna have sex with!!! This is like being given a lifetime gift certificate to Peter Luger's but saying not thanks, I'd rather Xmastime's Ravioli Beef Shakes, thank you very much. I mean, what the fuck is wrong with these dudes?

I've been sitting here wondering what it would take to make me leave Halle Berry and/or even remotely rock the boat to fuck things up. So far Ive come up with well, if she insists that I sleep in a room filled with King Cobras, I'd leave her. But even then I'm hesitating, even then I'm confirming with a friend.

"I mean, that's fucking crazy, right? I can't do that."
"Dude, what the fuck. That's crazy, get outta there."
"Yeah, fucking a...I mean, that's crazy, right? (long pause) right? I mean...there's no way I could make friends with the snakes, right? would you do it? No, right? Yes? No?"
"Dude."
"No no no, I'm just saying, I mean...you'd leave, right? Right? Sure you would, yeah, me too...(slooooooooooowly dialing digits to call her, closing phone, rethinking, slooooooooooowly dialing again....)"












I mean, GOTDAM....and am I crazy, or does she remind me of an 2-Time Mrs. Xmastimer, Lacey Kane? man.