As usual, my brother called me up the other day and told me that I was too angry here, that I hate everybody and everything. I don’t agree, but I will take this minute to talk about three things I like, using (hopefully) only positive thoughts.
1) Capri pants on chicks – I don’t know what it is about these things, but they do it for me. And now that I look at what I just wrote, I don’t know why I needed to qualify it by saying “on chicks.” Hmm. Nothing like a long, thin tanned leg peeping outta the bottom of these things. And the material isn’t quite see-through, but it’s somehow see-through enough to get me looking, desperately squinting my vision down from 20/100 to 20/5 to get a look at that hidden tongety tong-tong. Of course then blood spurts out of my eye socket and onto said pants, but hey. Ladies, know what I’ll be looking for this spring as the weather turns warm....I’m not a beach guy, I’m not a warm weather guy, my love life has me wondering if I’m even a guy, but I loves me some sassy capri pants. Oh, look...I just wrote my own epitaph. Great.
2)“Tits on a bull.” Everytime I hear someone use this expression I crack up, make a mental note to use it the very next chance I get in front of other people and then immediately forget about it til the next time someone ELSE says it. Meantime I’m busy stammering “...this thing is USELESS, I mean...friggin useless, like....aahhhmm....jesus, this thing, right? Freakin useless...” I can never remember sayings that I like, or jokes I wanna tell, or where I buried that little girl who said my hair looked “poofy.” Fuck her anyways. I said I didn’t wanna buy no goddam cookies, I meant I didn’t wanna buy no goddam cookies, why go after my coif? Is there a merit badge for killing a dude’s erection?
3)The Equals – THE, and I mean THE greatest band that nobody in the world seems to know about. Featuring Eddy Grant, about 13 years before “Electric Avenue”, the Equals did it all: soul, rock, pop, psychedelic, funk, r & b, you name it. I have their 40 greatest hits, every song is remarkably different than the others, and every one sounds like it could be the single of the year. Unreal. I only heard of them cause back in the early 80’s the best Richmond band of all time, The Good Guys, regularly covered their regional hit “Baby Come Back.” Also, The Clash recorded a version of their “Police on My Back.” At least once a year I’ll listen to nothing but the Equals for 2 weeks and stay up at night wondering how they weren’t the biggest squad in the world (especially now that Rolling Stone just released its list of “The 25 Most Under appreciated Artists of All Time”...I refuse to link, it’s so lame...Tom Petty, under appreciated? Really? 100 million records sold, in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame...Tom, could we have done more? What can I do, I feel so sad for you.....and Wilco? Camon!! Whole magazines have been created to give writers jobs so they can invent new words for “ethereal” in their Wilco reviews!!! Christ) Go out and get whatever Equals albums you can, I promise you will LOVE them.
My Super Slices o’ Slices:
Baby Come Back
Diversion
Laurel and Hardy
Viva Bobby Joe
Hold Me Closer
Soul Brother Clifford
I Won’t Be There
Softly Softly
I Get So Excited
So see, it’s not all anger over here in Xmasland. Though at this moment I find myself getting worked up re: why does the expression go “flat as a pancake”; aren’t pancakes supposed to be fluffy? If we’re looking for “flat”, aren’t there a million other, better things to choose from? Paper’s flatter than a pancake, why don’t we say “flat as paper”? When did this start? Okay, for this one post, I'll calm down.
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