Girlfriend

As this is the year I'm deciding to change everything about myself except for my outrage over the very existence of Asians, my mind has been drifting lately to thoughts of having a girlfriend for the first time in years. And by "in years" I mean "do women still listen to Hootie and eat Snackwells cookies by the carton?" Thinking if I steer the ship right maybe it's time to turn in my idiot chips and start sharing something with someone. Not that I've been beating chicks off with a stick, mind you. Though I have been beating off. A lot. And by "a lot" I mean "do women still listen to Hootie and eat Snackwells cookies by the carton, cause I'll beat off to that image too." It's not as if I've been fending off ladies' committment advances to protect my wild nights of fucking women by the truckload; but looking at how I live, there does seem to be a stubborness, an unwillingness to grow up and accept that I can be a normal adult for once. Of course it helps that most of my friends are married off and popping out kids etc; the glory days of burning down the town every night are long gone by now. There is an attractiveness to the idea of doing something worthwhile during the day and then sharing it with someone afterwards, both in victory and defeat. I used to see girlfriends as someone to fuck and blather my stories over and over to. Now I see them as someone to cook me a meal after spraying their backs with some Vitamin Xmastime. I'm kidding! I'm a kidder!!...obviously a simple sandwich would do. But I guess at this stage of my life it wouldn't be so terrible to have someone to have a greater plan with, someone to try to connect with and move forward as a unit. Me and my girl against the world. Of course, writing shit this mushy makes me think I should be thinking of dudes instead. Hmm.

I'll tell you whats weird. Knowing that you haven't even met your soul mate yet, that at this point you have zero history together, no point of reference. I could meet her 10 minutes from now, but that's still almost 35 years spent so far that she was not a part of, not even a notion. That's kinda weird/depressing. She could be in Iowa right now, oblivious to me as I am to her, having lived almost half our lives not conceiving of each other, growing up on some sort of parallel plane, our lives continuing but never crossing. Like two guys pissing into the same toilet, but instead of crossing streams, their relief flowing side by side, buttocks lightly touching as each grips his own clam hammer almost subconsciously tugging as their smiles at each other turns to slow looks downwards, silent consent overpowering all consequence. I do not know how to make this point any clearer to you people.

So anyways. If Mrs. Xmastime is out there hurry the fuck up and get here so I can go see "License to Wed" before it leaves the theaters for chrissake.