Fred the Savior (You're Fucked)

The first thing I thought of when I flipped over to see Fred Thompson on Leno was Jesus Christ…how did the GOP find the one person in the country that actually looks older than McCain?

I’ve screamed it before – the Right is in deep shit if they’re throwing all their hopes onto the shoulders of someone known almost solely cause he’s a part of Evil, Be-Deviled Jewed Hollywood. The one thing we seem to know about him in Congress is that he was…lazy. Great. Just what you need in a president. Not exactly white knight on a steed savior stuff. But he almost lulled me in last night, drawling on and on with that lowest common denominator bullshit, about how he drives a truck “so the staff and politicos can’t bother him.” Cause, you know, he’s just trying to get out and talk to “the folks.” Riiiiiight.

It’s hard to feel anything but pity for conservatives, looking at the field they’ve got to choose from. A lazy schlub who was on “Roseanne” for a single episode, the oldest man in the world and, of course Count Guiliani. Who, what do you know, is absolutely hated by everyone who has come within a thousand miles of him or his policies, including his own children. When your best chance is a guy who believes in magic underwear, polygamy and that the 1984 BYU team deserved to be crowned National Champs, it can’t be a great feeling.

Thompson should never have actually announced; his candidacy should be built like that song by Todd Snider about the band that got famous for not writing or performing songs, or actually existing. He should refuse to actually enter the race, then his mystique would have him win, after which he should refuse to actually show up at the White House. With anything that happens good in the country, his legend as an amazing president would grow like only great myths can; the biggest game of Telephone ever played. And fuck it, when things go to shit he can just shrug his shoulders and remind us he’s not even actually the president anyways.