I Wanna Eat for Fuck's Sake!

When I discovered the Food Network about 8 years ago, the mainstays were guys like Emeril Legasse and Mario Batali. Big, sweaty fat guys that you could take one look at and know that they liked eating. They looked like they knew their way around a 20-piece box of McNuggets. Which is comforting – they were about the food, and loving the food. It being, of course a channel about…food.

But now the trend seems to be to have every chef on tv be a hot, bosomy, skinny chick. Like

















And no, I will not even mention Rachel Ray’s pics in FHM. I love her too much and we all need to accept that she made a mistake and get over it. I’m betting her douchebag new “rocker” husband put her up to it. But anyways.

Do we fucking need this? If I’m watching the food network, it’s cause I wanna see believable, qualified people teach me about food. But the fucking idiots that be can’t imagine that if I’m watching tv I can go more than twelve seconds without whipping my dick out, so they’ve started stockpiling the ladies for me. Cause there’s not 1000 other channels going on at any time, there’s not a million websites of hot chicks fucking. Even if I'm watching of all things the Food Network, I have to be over stimulated with hot chicks; if I don’t see some smoking hot chick with sauce dripping into her cleavage, I’m changing the channel!! Camon. Why not just have strippers come in, slide around in olive oil for half an hour while a pot of water is boiling? "Oh, girls, it's boiling! Let's stop fisting each other and get out the potato!! Hooray!" Just like my beef with sideline reporters – I’m not saying they’re not qualified, but can I go through 15 minutes of a football game without some young, perky blond on the sidelines yammering? IT’S A FOOTBALL GAME – gimme some old, ornery cuss barking shit at me. Thousands of retired football players out there, and I'm sitting there listening to someone whose proximity to actually playing the game can be measured in how big her high school boyfriend's dick was? Camon. My life in general throughout any given day is ruled by thinking of how I’m gonna see my next naked chick – can I get a fucking break during the Food Channel? And football? Please?

Which brings me to someone I discovered this morning on PBS – Angela Shelf Medearis, The Kitchen Diva - the Kitchen Diva is a lady who’s big, black and sassy! I'm sorry, but if I can describe you as "big, black and sassy" and you're cooking food, I’m fucking listening. Of course if I call you "big, black and sassy" and we're both in prison, things might not end so well for myself. Her show was capped perfectly at the end when she hollered “get outta here now, I gotta eat!!” and dove in. Awesome. I will seek her show out every day, unlike the women above who look like they eat like fucking birds. No thanks. And don't even get me started on this fucking twit: