Last night I saw the NOVA episode about “Intelligent Design.” Anyone who’s read this blog for more than 30 seconds can guess what side I fall on in this “debate.” But what cracks me up is, why do some people take such umbrage at the thought of having descended from apes? You’ve seen it, some shitkicker’s vein popping in his forehead as he screeches “I ain’t come from no goddam ape!!” This would come from every person in my hometown. I’m like easy dude – we’re talking about millions and millions of years of slow, sloooooooow evolution. Nobody’s saying your mother fucked an ape. Relax. I don’t see the big insult.
And now I see people getting upset that scientists have discovered that apes actually have one more pair of chromosomes than man. Like it’s some sort of contest. Scientists say we have 23, they have 24, so these scientists must be trying to insinuate apes are better than us. Christ. Scientists sent from the devil, surely. Unless you’re a scientist, how would you even remotely know what this even means? More is automatically better somehow to these folks screaming into the camera. Unreal. Hey, unless you’re Italian, gorillas have more hair on their backs than us, does that make them better? And that goes for Italian men too.
Hell, you’d think with our natural sense of competition, we’d be thrilled that we started at the same place as monkeys and have come out so far ahead. Why does this thinking work in NASCAR but not with evolution? Look how much better off than an ape you are right now. You get to do things like pay billionaire’s taxes for them and fight in pretend wars. You can drive a car and play Ms. Pac-Man. You can Photoshop Britney sitting on your face while Dina Lohan brings in a McRib platter in a French maid outfit. Monkeys and apes? They swing in trees and throw their own shit around. Relax! You won!! Maybe scientists will find we all came from a can of Hormel from billions of years ago. It’s okay, for chrissake.
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