Life 15,993 Xmastime 0

So last night, after locking myself in my room for days, I decided to give the new specs a test-spin out in public. Yes, I know I’m an adult and shouldn’t be self-conscious about such things but, like lite mayonnaise, it is what it is. So I plan to meet up with Rrthur (yes ladies, THAT Rrthur) at a bar we never frequent – out of the way, different crowd, I know I’ll be able to dip my toes into the waters of the public slowly. So we meet up and head into the bar and…..crap. There she is. An alltime Mrs. Xmastime, sitting there.

LACEY KANE
(friend from Williamsburg)
WEEKS ON THE CHARTS: 176
PROS: smoking hot, and has no idea how hot she is. Legs go on for days. Went to Duke! Crazed football fan, has family ties to the Pittsburgh Steelers AND Joe Paterno!
CONS: smarter than me. Not that I have a problem with that usually, but we’re talking a difference of about 300 IQ points here. There’s a good chance she thinks I’m retarded. Also has a mega-serious boyfriend. And if we ever did hook up, it would coincide with her realizing she’s super-hot, the standard “Librarian Takes off Glasses and Turns into Carmen Elektra” routine, thus leaving me a broke-down mess with nobody but Theodore to comfort me. And you can probably guess how that would go.
ODDS: 95%. I’ve got some new shoes, a new belt and an olive sportcoat. Look for us to be registered at Food Lion.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!! Scurry back into the mouse hole for another year. Christ. I can’t fucking win.