5 Things I Wish Roger Clemens Would Do Right Now

1) All of a sudden pull a Sammy Sosa, BAFFLED by the English language. "Que? no habla anglais, senor!"
2) Next time the camera cuts back to him, have his shirt ripped to shreds like the Hulk, breathing hard with a raw ribeye dangling from his teeth.
3) While McNamee is talking, do the ol' fake snore. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz, zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
4) Challenge his wife to an arm wrestling contest "right here, right now you East German cunt!!!"
5) Whoopee cushion. Camon, don't even pretend if he did that you wouldn't love him forever. If dude pulled a whoopie cushion fart right now, he can enter the Presidential Election and he'd have my vote!