The Oscars by the Numbers

Number of movies nominated for any award I saw in the theater: 1
Number of all-time Best Picture winners I’ve seen out of 80: 15
Number I saw in the theater: 2
Number of Mrs. Xmastimes that appeared on the TV screen: 129
Number of times I announced to everybody “Boy, I’d like to get up in that!” 331
Number of Times I tried to riff about the girls that escort the presenters on and off stage being the Deal or No Deal girls: 11
Number of laughs I got from all the times I tried to riff about the girls that escort the presenters on and off stage being the Deal or No Deal girls: 0
Number of Times I Said “Boy, that dead celebs montage was disappointing, wasn’t it?”: 18
Number of Times I thought “Oh fuck that, Gordon coulda knocked that role outta the park”: 2
Really: 85
Number of times I said to everyone “oh yeah, sure, I’ll definitely see that on cable”: 21
Number of movies I really will: 2
Number of times I’ll watch Dutch again: 37
Number of times a “joke” by Jon Stewart left the room sounding like someone had just cut one: 77
Number of minutes I just spent trying to use “cut one” again: 14
Number of times throughout the 700 minute show I griped about the whole thing being " Blah blah blah, lets pat ourselves on the back with more awards, blah blah blah": 49