More Gordon!

I am neck deep in a 10-hour Hell's Kitchen marathon, and just to make my dick quiver and heart pound even more there's also three hours of Kitchen Nightmares right now. Double-loving. It's like a fresh meat lover's coming up to the Pizza Hut buffet on Dolly Parton's titties. Man.

Must say. Although once I discovered KN I snobbishly turned my nose up at HK (which was the show that first introduced me to G n'effin R), HK is a helluva lot better than I ever gave it credit. I kinda turned my nose up "well, it's just him yelling." But watching it now, and what I now know about Gordon (we're so close, of course), it is nothing if not real. MAYBE he ratchets it up just a bit, but the fact is it's not like he's got a kitchen of 4-star chefs so that he has to invent things to shout about; the "cooks" are constantly doing shit that would drive anybody up the wall, much less Gordon. Rancid crab? Spaghetti outta the trash? It's not hard to imagine that's how Gordon would react in any of his own kitchens should his cooks be so ridiculous. Plus, it's entertaining to watch him catch them trying to get shit by him. The guy is incredible, part hawk, part cobra. From across the kitchen "is that dough undercooked?" (of course.) From 20 feet away "what's that smell?" (bad scallop.) Unreal. At least twice I've seen his head snap up, just SENSING some bullshit was going on, and he always sniffs it out. This dude should be working airport security for fuck's sake.

And, of course, it's RIDICULOUSLY compelling. I actually caught myself gasping earlier. To which I thought "so...that's what a gasp is? Nice." And he always surprises; eg his relentless patience with Aaron, who somehow lasted over 3 episodes even tho all he did was cry, faint and cramp up. And I don't just mean during sex, like normal guys. Right? Ahhh...(awkward cough) But of course the meal ticket is how he gets funnier and funnier the more exasperated he becomes. A la Wikipedia:

To cite an example, Dehnart writes that Ramsay replied to a rude customer who asked for more pumpkin by saying, "Right. Well, I’ll get you more pumpkin and I’ll ram it right up your fucking ass! Would you like it whole or diced?" Another example is when a chef misheard an order, forcing Chef Ramsay to repeat it. Ramsay yelled, "Would you like me to fucking email that to your fucking BlackBerry? Move your ass!"

But again, his blessing and curse is that he can never be less than 100% genuine. I'm letting myself become intoxicated by the show again, can't wait for new season premiere Tueday night!! (My favorite from the commercials, him yelling at a fat cook "You, you're in charge of the desserts...don't eat them!")