Gay, Here I Come

I've become convinced that unless I grow my own vegetables and slaughter my own grass-fed cows and pigs, I am seriously fucked. After spending just one week eating all vegetables and chicken, I cannot stomach to look at the shit I used to eat. Hot pockets, McDonald's, Big Mac hot pockets dipped inside a McNuggets slurry, whatever. It's all corn syrup, it's all shit to make us fat and sick. If I was a conspiracy guy I'd look at the drug companies with suspicion - it's the perfect tool for them. Corn syrup and all the other shit they're pumping into us makes us fat and sick, but doesn't kill us. We're all life-long patients. And thanks to these very drug companies we stay alive longer (albeit, of course, sicker and sicker. never ending cycle!!!) so they can sell us more.

Side note, random thought - is there such a thing as morgue liposuction? For $20k, you can state in your will that you want fat sucked out so you look fit and trim at your own funeral? Did I just stumble upon something that's genius?

The other day I was making dinner - chicken with peas and corn. Frozen peas, canned corn. Chicken was Baptist. I was patting myself on the back for such a healthy dinner, but even looking at the shit as it comes poackaged like that gave me pause. Who knows what the fuck happens before they, pun intended, hit the can? So now I'm convinced I'm only gonna buy from the farmer's market. Starting this week. First time ever. Which, of course, I always associated with "gay." Fuck it. I'm doing it.

Meanwhile as I'm patting myself on the back for thinking about attempting to try to maybe consider once and for all giving up (MAYBE) my McRib toothpaste, I've been getting a call every weekend from Brothatime, who lives in Leesburg, VA. Ten acres of land in the middle of a horse farm in bumfuck. Every week he's calling me, yammering bout how they just got back from someone's homemade wine tasting, on the way to yet another petting zoo for Paddy Mac and then they're hitting another person's house that makes their own cheese and has lambs in the back yard that ain't for sweaters, if you know what I mean. Everybody has gardens that are too big so they're constantly unloading their fresh, organic vegetables on one another while going in with each other on the local grass-fed cows that they can split upon slaughter. For $400 you get 168 steaks, 48 filet mignons, 13,992 hamburgers, 199lbs of ribs and, just cause they like you, 300lbs of potatoes that are so fresh you get to name them before they kill them. Fucking unreal. And then yesterday I gotta hear about how as Paddy Mac was meeting a 2-hour old calf everybody's guzzling raw milk that Brothatime swears is better than regular milk, milked minutes before from Ivy League, God-fearing good Christian cows who only eat grass that has grown from natural springs and geysers and imported in. And oh, of course now the shit's gonna be delivered to their doorstep every day. What the fuck; every weekend it's something!!!! I'm inhaling concrete dust on the way to the store to pay $4/gallon for milk that is really just water with the sides of the container painted white, and Brothatime has sheep playing 3-on-3 in his driveway while making sure that only rain water touches the apple tree they know will soon be served with them "with just a touch of nutmeg like you like us, Brothatime! baaaaaaah!" Fuuuuuuuuuuuck!!!

So now I decide you know what fuck it, I'm going all the way: organic. Which, of course, I always associated with "gay." Fuck it. I'm doing it. Better gay eater than dead lothario hetero putting up seemingly unreal, otherworldly numbers bordering on the absurd with the ladies, I reckon. "But it's expensive," I tell myself. Then I realize well not really; it's only "expensive" if you're buying the shit and then letting it rot in the fridge while eating buckets and buckets of McEgg Foo Young Elephant Ears every day.

So just now I Wikipedia "organic food", just to make sure I know that the fuck I'm talking about. I give you the first paragraph:

"Organic foods are produced according to certain production standards, meaning they are grown without the use of conventional pesticides, artificial fertilizers, human waste, or sewage sludge, and that they were processed without ionizing radiation or food additives."

Excuse me? "Human waste"? "Sewage sludge"? This is what it's comes to? We actually have to have a whole nother industry of food-selling that has to say "okay okay, I'll tell you what...pay a little bit extra, and you can get the stuff that's not injected with human shit." What the fuck? Is there a special division of condom sellers that insist on ONLY selling rubbers that haven't already been used by Flavor Flav? fucking christ. I had no idea!

I'm convinced the only way to win is to be a farmer. Moving to Montana. Tout suite!