Loft Sale

On my way down to get my pizza last night (which I could barely stomach eating...grrrrr) I noticed a few LOFT SALE signs along the walls and on the doors. I see these all the time of course; VCR BIKE iMAC BEN-WA BALLS TABLE MUST GO! etc etc. Person's moving, gotta unload some shit. Fine. When I got to the door at the bottom of the stairs I had an extra second to look at it, and I saw something that caught my eye:

MUST GET RID OF STUFF, WE'RE MOVING TO FRANCE

Now, why the fuck would you feel the need to list on the flyer WHY you're moving? Could it be...you wanna show off what amazing people you are, moving to France? Oooooh goody for you, you're better than me! Yaaaaaaaaaay! You're SO cosmopolitan; we'll stand at the wharf cheering you as your ship pulls out of harbor, you starting a great new life, leaving us crumb-bums to toil away in ignorance back here! Fare thee well!! Hey, maybe I'll feel compelled to come buy your old shit just so I can brag to the chicks that "yeah, this melon baller once belonged to a couple that lives in France now...horny?" Fucking pretentious showy fuckwads. I'd like to see this flyer:

MUST GET RID OF STUFF, MY HUSBAND GOT CAUGHT DIDDLING HIS NEPHEW

or

MUST GET RID OF STUFF, THESE NEW TITS AREN'T GONNA BE FREE

Now THAT would make me come running to buy your tosater oven.