Horoscope

For some reason I stumbled upon* this picture and immediately thought "oooh, I'll make some snarky comments!" Then of course I caught myself ie what's gayer than referring to yourself as "snarky!"? Jesus. Like calling yourself "whacky!", no?

But then I realized that the mag is OK Weekly. At first glance I thought it was US Weekly. Not to be confused with DA Weekly (sexy lawyer pics!!) or of course O+ Weekly (AIDS patients can't have something light to read?) Seriously, what the fuck...how many of these fucking magazines can there be? And why even try to fool us anymore into thinking they're all different; why don't they all just band together, make ONE magazine and make it a federal law that we have to hand over our paychecks to them. Cut out the bullshit, get straight to it. Here's my paycheck, ooooh look it's Aniston, wow look at Lohan, BLLAMMO!! shotgun through my fucking head.

The same kinda thing occurred to me the other morning with the paper. Sometimes I look at my horoscope in the Daily News. I don't believe in the shit, but I'll read it for fun. So I read it and it says, oh let's just say it says "today you will be eaten by a tiger." Hmm. Okay. So then I thought you know what, let' see what the Post horoscope has to say. And of course it says something to the effect of "This will be an amazing day, you will not be eaten by a tiger." Therein cancelling the other one out, and of course rendering it and all other horoscopes completely worthless.

So it seems there are thousands of different horoscopes out there, floating around cancelling each other out all the time. What if all horoscope writers in the world banded together, joining forces to deliver ONE definitive horoscope for each sign each day? Would make each one super-important, would scare the shit outta people into paying like $100 a week for their horoscope each day. They'd HAVE to take the shit seriously, since it's THE horoscope now, right? Right now, it's just a scattered mess that means nothing. Horoscope union, anybody?


* "stumbled upon" = googled "jizz on pam anderson jessica getting railed by nick katie with crazy"