Lost

The GPS post below reminded me of the fact that I have the worst sense of direction in the world. Seriously, if you find yourself following me you need to stop, turn around and start walking in the opposite direction, cause that’s where you’re actually trying to go. Unless, of course, I have handcuffs on you, or you are stuffed into an over-sized duffel bag. I gave up the manly “never ask for directions!” nonsense years ago; hell, I ask and re-ask at every block. Every time I make it back to my building it’s a happy surprise.

So of course my awful sense of direction coupled with my incredible ability to talk to someone and not hear a word they say allays me with some problems. For instance, I’ll stop and ask someone how to get to ***** Street. They’ll start talking and pointing and I nod my head earnestly while thinking “is Judd from Season 3 my most hated Real World character of all time? Or was it that Kaia bitch from Hawaii? Hmmm…” And now I find myself looking at the guy with directions who is now not talking, and looking at me. So I have a choice – ask him to repeat what he said, or nod my head, say thanks! And start walking as if I know what the fuck he just said. Of course, I choose the latter. First of all, I can’t let this complete stranger whom I will never see again think I’m an idiot, right? Can’t have that. And hell, who’s got time asking someone to repeat 20 seconds worth of directions when you can spend that same time, plus another, oh, 50 minutes, wandering around a strange neighborhood completely lost as the sun goes down? I mean camon, for reals.

So I just start walking. And my biggest fear is that the dude will be watching me and be thinking “oookay, he’s gonna turn left like I told him…oh shit, he turned right!! What a fucking idiot!!!” As if he’s staring out after me, like he’s landing a fucking airplane. Or worse – he’s really rooting for me, and now I’ve let him down. Hell, I’ve had people nice enough to call after me to correct me after a misstep, and of course I act like I don’t hear them and keep walking. Into the river? No problem, keep on walking! I got this! Bloods hanging out with a few broken bottles and a bat? Do-do-do-do-do, here I come guys!!!

And if you really wanna have a laugh, watch me when someone comes up and asks me for directions. I practically piss myself while my eyes turn completely white and I faint. My defense is usually to act like I just moved onto the planet about 5 minutes ago. Sincere apology, “sorry, wish I could help you” and start walking away. Probably in the wrong direction. I can be standing on the corner I’ve lived at for ten years and the person can be asking about one block away, and I have to act baffled. “Golly, no idea, don’t know the area myself, golly…” Then, of course, I have to walk around for awhile so the person doesn’t see me walk into my building…50 feet away from his target destination.

Of course, sometimes I do give the directions. And then I spend the next 20 minutes going over them in my head, “did I give him the right way? Am I sure?” Cause now I gotta worry that the dude went the way I told him, realized the directions were wrong, and now wants to come kill me. Now of course this is a guy who was wandering around helplessly lost only minutes before, but now I seem to think he is part bloodhound/mapquest savant and can find his way not only back to where we ran into each other, but then track down where I live and attack me chop off my head for misleading him.

Sigh. What a life I lead.