I'm Not Dylan McKay (No, Seriously!!!)

One of the many, MANY ways in which I am different from a Beverly Hills 90210 character is how we would deal with serious situations. For instance, in an episode I just watched, Kelly got raped. She was supposed to meet with Dylan to keep him from getting high, and while en route got raped. The next day, Dylan tracks her down.

Dylan: Where the hell where you last night? Dammit Kelly I needed you!!!
Kelly: I was raped.
Dylan: Oh, god. (pulls her into his arms, stares out over her shoulder with that steely "Look out bad guys, Beverly Hill's #1 millionaire 112-lb bad-ass is putting the word out: start running" look that only Dylan can pull off.)

See? Right away, no questions asked, Dylan gets the heaviness of the whole thing and acts quickly to comfort. Doesn't seem even remotely surprised that this girl has been raped. I guess when you roll the thug life like Dylan, nothing surprises you. Kelly raped? Sure. Nat's outta Sweet & Low? Dammit! Gotta go undercover in Mexico to recover millions of dollars? Sure.

Myself, I don't handle these things as surely as Dylan. Something like a friend of mine being raped would be, you know, a surprise to me.

Xmastime: Where the hell where you last night? Dammit Kelly I needed you!!!
Kelly: I was raped.
Xmastime: Heyoooooo! Hey, how come I never get raped, huh? Nice Jewish princess, grabbing me in an alley and-
Kelly: no, Xmas, I'm serious. A guy attacked me in the alley and raped me.
Xmastime: Hmm.
Kelly: I was violated.
Xmastime: Really? No shit?
Kelly: What?
Xmastime: Kelly, listen, if you're fucking around with me, this isn't funny.
Kelly: Xmas!!
Xmastime: Yo mama jokes and farts are funny.
Kelly: What are you-
Xmastime: saying you were raped? Not funny.
Kelly: (starting to cry)
Xmastime: So...
Kelly: (crying)
Xmastime: Fuckin...fucking a, huh?
Kelly: (crying)
Xmastime: So...seriously? You were raped?
Kelly: Yes!
Xmastime: I mean, really raped?
Kelly: !
Xmastime: Ahhhhhh....
Kelly: I don't know what I'm gonna do...
Xmastime: Well, you know, ahhhh...
Kelly: (crying)
Xmastime: Man...that sucks...
Kelly: (crying)
Xmastime: Hmm. Hey, how come I never get raped, huh? Nice horse-faced chick, maybe wearing a tight -
Kelly: (runs off)
Xmastime: Hmm. Fuckin a. Hmm. Hey, she'll be okay. She'll be just fine. How bout an atomic burger, Nat?

Ah well. As Jefferson once said, "Always take hold of things by the smooth handle. And that includes if I'm raping you, beyotches."

Postscript: was there any conceivably dangerous plotline they didn't give Kelly? Kelly gets raped. Kelly gets raped AGAIN (attempted), and has to shoot the dude. Kelly gets shot randomly, Kelly lived in a gutter with other crack rats, Kelly almost gets killed in a fire, Kelly had every eating disorder, Kelly was on the Space Shuttle Challenger, Kelly was on the Titantic, Kelly was at Dealey Plaza and Kelly sold victrolas in Nagasaki. Jesus fucking christ. We get it: she's a snobby bitch of a cunt who looks down on everybody else and I wish was dead! We get it, enough already!!

My minute-by-minute blow (ha!) on Kelly HERE.









"You were raped? What the...was he bigger than me? ANSWER ME, KEL!!!!!"