Not So Scrabulous

I have found myself hooked on SCRABULOUS, an online version of Scrabble. Through the years I have never had a hard time beating anybody at Scrabble, and I quickly worked my way through the levels on Scrabulous from 5 through 9, and this morning I played my first game at Level 10. I figured it would take me a game or two, then I would be wailing on the damn thing. I did not count on the computer 1) crushing me by triple digits 2) making up words(!) and 3) taunting/humiliating me personally. Nice. I felt like I was in 5th grade and in the boys locker room all over again waaaaaaaaaahhhhh!!!!



Computer's opener: uses 2 letters to make three words, none of which I thought we real words. With apologies, obviously, to John Schnieder. Also, this would be my final lead of the game.



Triple word score! TONER! Those years of working at Sir Speedy have finally paid off. Gee. Five letters, triple word score all for 15 lousy points. Wow. And I’m assuming a zebu is a zebra bolognese. Hey, who’s hungry?



Is it even possible for me to have worse letters? 1 1 1 1 1 1 1. Is this
binary code for “you should have learned how to read, you dumb shit”?



Oh, goody…I also see I’m down by exactly 100 points with…45 tiles left. Greeeeeat. What’s the mercy rule in Scrabble? Is some girl gonna tap me on top of my head so I can stop soon?


QUID, triple word score, motherscratcher!!! Pulled within 155 points, thank you very much Gordon Ramsay!!

SIDE NOTE: ps - QUEEF is not allowable in SCRABULOUS :(



I now have four tiles left, all worth one point…and am behind 155 points. This will be tough…but also will be the GREATEST COMEBACK OF ALL TIME!!! I am reminded of a scene from Apollo 13:

NASA Director: This could be the worst disaster NASA's ever faced.
Gene Kranz: With all due respect, sir, I believe this is gonna be our finest hour.
NASA Director: Get your head outta your ass, Kranz...Xmas, while exceedingly handsome, is gonna get the shit kicked out of him!
Gene Kranz: I got some new TANG jokes, wanna hear them?
NASA Director: I'd like that very much, thanks.

WORDS THUS FAR PLAYED BY COMPUTER I AM CALLING BULLSHIT ON:

MO, TI, OI, EN, XU….oh, I see the computer can fucking use Spanish if he wants, SI. What the fuck. Though string all those 2-letter joints together, I think it spells "Exit, stage right!" in Latin. Which is what I should do before this game gets, you know...out of reach. cough.




You can't see it here, but the computer popped up a message telling me I had lost by 163 points. Usually, it lets you take as much time as you want unloading your final few letters. But it appears I have been cut off "You have no chance of winning, and yes, she DID sleep with him while you were still dating. Asshole." Oh, for fuck's sake.