Intervention

Every once in a while if I'm feeling puffy and need a good cry I put on my pjs, put on some records and eat a few pounds of ice cream while wondering if I have a drinking problem. But now I've seen a few episodes of Intervention, and I feel a lot better. Have you seen these people? Wow. Here's a typical sequence:

7:00am - Tony gets into the shower with a 12-pack, starts guzzling.
7:20am - here's Tony making his coffee "Irish" at the breakfast table.
7:21am - Tony decides to make his sausage links, eggs and waffles "Irish" too
7:45am - here's Tony in the shower again; he's forgotten he's already taken one.
8:30am - here's Tony goofing around on the riding mower, chasing the kids around the lawn while they wait for their school bus. How charming - Tony has made quality time with his kids "Irish" too.
10:30am - here's Tony at the office (HOW DO THESE PEOPLE HAVE JOBS?!?!?!!) with a huge cup of vodka. But its in a Solo red party cup, so no one will ever figure it out.


As this is going on, we get interviews from Tony's family members, all of whom look like they've haven't showered and have been crying for a week straight. Then we get the string of old photos of before Tony was a drunk. The pictures are always of some beaming slab of beefcake sitting on the hood of his '66 Mustang surrounded by a few chicks in bikinis. "Here's one of Tony the day he opened his 43rd TCBY franchise." Wtf. It's never "Here's Tony by himself in Mom's basement eating a Sara Lee pony keg. No wonder he drinks like a lunatic." Hmm.

These people drink 24 hours a day and still function. It's amazing. And then comes the intervention, which of course is always a complete surprise to the drunkard. Me, I'd be a little suspicious if one of my friends casually suggested "Hey Xmastime, let's drive over to that hotel, I wanna show you one of the large conference rooms." Hmm. Then of course we gotta sit through everyone telling Tony how much he sucks, blah blah blah. Just once I'd like to see some guy's turn where he goes "ummm....let's see...hmmmmmmmm...I dunno, Tony's always been cool with me. I got no problems with Tony." But seriously, wasn't this the single greatest moment in intervention history?



Sorry the subtitles are in their original German. If I'm ever part of an intervention, I'm seeing if I can recite Claudia's monologue here, word for word, my beady little eyes filling up with tears as I chirp away. Be amazing seeing how far into I can get without cracking up, falling on the floor laughing. Would be fucking awesome, no? Would bring the house down! Hey, interventions are awkward, let's lighten things up, peeps!