My Duty as a Man

When I was 29 I airbrushed t-shirts for a living, and my tattoos (ink) meant that I was kinda hot in a dirty way, which drew more than a few young broads into my bad-boy web. So hot, if I may say, that most chicks were nervous and would hafta fire up some liquid courage before going out with me, the poor things. I began dating this one girl in particular who was only 21 and, worse, a virgin. I guess it was cause she was so bunged up about being a virgin, but man we had QUITE the volatile relationship; we broke up pretty much constantly. I distinctly remember her flipping out cause she could not accept that: Ted Nugent is probably an amazing father and 2) the Insane Clown Posse are INSANELY AWESOME!!!! So we’d break up over shit like that. But who cared, right? She was a piece of (non) ass who hogged the covers. I’m not really crying about it, knowhadimean.

She was pretty banging, so I don’t know why she was a virgin til the age of 21. Maybe she got some surgery, maybe she was a dog before then. Who cares. But there was something about me and my auto-shop foul-mouthed bad boy self that made her decide that I would be the one to deflour her. It’s kinda flattering, but again, back then I was p r e t t y smoking hot.

One night she calls me outta the blue and wants to come over and watch a movie. We had been broken up for a while, but I knew instantly what she meant by “watch a movie” so I said sure, why not. I figured seeing my new tattoo of the Thunder Road scene from Grease on my pecs would really send her first time into outer space and make it super-special for her, I made sure to not wear a shirt when she got there. I even threw some Old Spice on Papoose (arf!), figuring fuck it, it’s her night I’ll make it smell great at least.

So she gets there, and we start watching some flick that I’m about to fall asleep to until Jennifer Connelly started doing some ass-to-ass dildo stuff with some other chick when all of a sudden we’re in my bedroom. “Ground Zero,” I like to call it. She actually looked up at me and says

“Can we do it now?”

Ha! I’m thinking to myself. Yes, we can do it now!

I led her down onto my bed (Ground Zero of Ground Zero) and, long story short, started banging. After a few seconds she started freaking out by the size of my Johnson, shrieking out “MOTHER FUCKER!!! THAT FUCKING HURTS!!!” Good for her, I thought to myself, first time out, and is doing the dirty talk. Good for her.

Then I realized I was doing a lot of thinking to myself and settling into doing what I like to call “my thing.” This chick went so batshit for the boating she was getting from a 5-star Admiral she started, get this, snapping her fingers. Ain’t seen that before or since, but I was on a roll. She wouldn’t shut up, what with “FUCKING SHIT FUCK WHORE!!!” Goddam, I’m good, but am I THAT good? Confucius say “yes!” I was giving this chick the ride of her life. Well, obviously, up to then. But still.

Anyway, after a while more of my heroics we’re done, and she’s getting dressed, and she actually asks if this means we’re back together. I VERY NICELY told her there’s the door; leave the movie…that was, I remembered, still cued up to the ass-to-ass scene with Jennifer Connelly. Few weeks later she started banging my roommate, which was fine with me cause you know my motto: Hit it, quit it, let the next man get it, won’t get fooled again. Sorry, chicks!

Anyways, I ain’t seen her since, but I’m sure to her that night was a big deal. I’m kinda the boss, running things maintenance-wise at Elysian Field's down here in the Big Easy, maybe one day she’ll pop up and I can show her what she’s been missing since her first time!