Which Story Today is the Most Batshit?

Sam Ronson may write tell-all book on Lohan relationship.
Batshit Score: 8 out of 10. A book on their relationship? Who gives a shit? "Hi! I am one of a million shitty DJs that have descended upon America like locusts. You know that I exist because I am Lohan's girlfriend. We walk around holding hands, we kiss, our pictures get taken, we eat each other out. Ummmm...well I guess that's it THE END." The fact that someone's even considering putting this thing out is pretty fucking batshit.

Major Duff Family Drama
Batshit Score: Incomplete. I have no idea what this article was about, I just saw the headline. Maybe they're fighting over a boy, maybe they're fighting over world peace, I don't give a fuck - I just wonder if I'm the only dude in the world who has realized that Hayley Duff is about 1000 times hotter than her more well known, yet uglier sister Hillary. I don't have a foot fetish, but I would shave the lyrics to "Am I Blue?" into my nutsack if I could have ten minutes to play in Hayley's sock drawer. Mmmmm.

L.A. man busted for posting nine tracks from "Chinese Democracy."
Batshit Score: 0 out of 10. There's nothing batshit about this. Some fuckwad wants to unleash a steaming pile of Axl's cuts onto the rest of the world, I say find him and string him the fuck up. No mercy. Crush him. Ironically, like they would in China of all places. Hmm. Who says life doesn't imitate horrendously shitty art?