Xmastime 2008 Memories (June Episode)

GPS Voices
6/4/2008


Some of my friends have those GPS map gizmos in their cars, and only recently I’ve realized you can choose the voice you want to have giving you directions as you drive. You can have British-y sounding older dude calmly guiding you, or 40-ish schoolmarm voice navigating for you. Wouldn’t it be great if you could buy more customized voices for your ride? You’re paying for the shit, why not? Such as, if you’re a dude you might go with:

WOMAN’S VOICE: “turn right in 0.4 miles…onto Grant Avenue…mmmmmm baby, you’re really driving me hard today, aren’t you? God, I’m so horny…ooooh, turn right here…jesus, you’re just SO big…mmmmm”

MAN’S VOICE: “turn right in 0.4 miles…onto Grant Avenue…goddam dude, you’re making GREAT time!...seriously, again, going with that higher octane was a great fucking decision…alright, turn right here…Arby’s up ahead, you’re making such great time we can drive thru no problem…”

Or if you’re a woman, you might choose one of these:

WOMAN’S VOICE: “turn right in 0.4 miles…onto Grant Avenue…jesus, look at that cow 2 cars over! You’re SO much skinnier than her!!...oooh, turn right here… oh, PLEASE, look at yellow Hyundai bitch...yeah, THOSE are real...”

MAN’S VOICE: “turn right in 0.4 miles…onto Grant Avenue…does your mother know you took her car? Oh, this IS Karen! Sorry, you just look so young with that haircut…oooh, turn right here…I’d mention there’s an Arby’s up ahead, but I know you’ll just order some tiny salad and lemon water, which is silly cause you need some meat on those bones…I wish you’d get the 5 roast beefs for $5 deal; hell, you’d be doing me a favor, practically…”


ps - was gonna do one for black drivers, a la "dang dude relax, it's only a job interview, we'll get there when we get there dawg..." but today of all days doesn't feel like the right day to be a racist, so.