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I once read that when a mother has a kid, she immediately loses 12% of her brain. Which I initially pish-poshed, but now I'm starting to believe it. The first year or so doesn't affect you that way, cause the kid just lays there like a sack of potatoes. But by the time he/she is two, your brain is fucking pummelled. All day, you have to repeat the same few sentences over and over. "Put that down," "Over here," "Come on now, stop that" over and over and over and over. And it's impossible to have a fluid, uninterrupted thought in your head, thanks to the constant barrage of incredibly loud toys, shit falling over, and the kid screaming/schrieking semi-constantly.

With no kid, you might think "At some point today, I would like to purchase a new egg-beater."

With a two-year old in the room, it becomes "At some (fire truck crashing onto hardwood floor, dropped from table, jarring you) point (woo-woo-woo!!!! shrieking siren from random barn animal goes off) to (kid screaming for no reason)(stiiiiiiiiiill screaming while jumping up and down) day, I would (hafta grab lamp that's falling over, step on toy car almost breaking ankle) like (kid shrieking, yelling and pointing at...nothing) to purchase (stop kid from pounding his own head on the floor, Tigger airplane jet noises go off) a (kid again shouting, pounding on table with car, splitting your skull with the noise)(still shouting, running in circles) new....(by now you have completely forgotten what the fuck you were talking about, picking up the 23,228 Matchbox cars the kid has dumped on the floor and has no intention of playing with, throws sandwich at the dog and then bounces up and down screaming.)"

I wasn't too bright to begin with, but now my brain is officially mush. I find myself staring into space praying for silence or at least no jarring noises. I'd compare it to post-traumatic stress syndrome, like soldiers back from a war - a sudden BANG!!! sends me recoiling in horror at the thought of another truck being slammed on a table repeatedly. I'm amazed I can find my way home every night at this point. And this is with a kid who from what I can tell is the easiest, mellowest kid in the world!!

Seriously. Pack my ass up, send me to the funny farm. I'm ready.