I'm not usually into chunky blondes, but for some reason I've got a big ol' crush on Meghan McCain, who wrote an article last week re: her problems dating since the election. Feeling bad for her, I called her up to go on a date with me, and brought an intern to transcribe part of our dinner and maybe see what she's doing wrong.
XMASTIME: hey, you gonna eat that?
MEGHAN: oh...I, I guess not (handing over breadstick)
XMASTIME: that's not what I was pointing to (wink)
MEGHAN: oh! (blush)
XMASTIME: ah fuck it, yeah, I'll take it tho.
MEGHAN: sure (hands breadstick over)
XMASTIME: so what're those things, pork medallions?
MEGHAN: yes.
XMASTIME: funny name for a food, ain't it? "Medallions." Like they're fucking medals or something, you know?
MEGHAN: I don't really know
XMASTIME: "Hey, you ordered the pork, here's a fucking medal!", right?
MEGHAN: I guess.
XMASTIME: Ha! Fucking a...so you grew up in Arizona?
MEGHAN: That's right. Phoenix.
XMASTIME: ugh. I'd hate it there; it's always like 200 fuckin degrees, right?
MEGHAN: it's hot.
XMASTIME: you must sweat like a lunatic down there, huh? Jesus. I'd look like a water fountain that blew up, I'd sweat so much. I mean, I'm pretty fucking sweaty right now, and it's not even that hot, you know?
MEGHAN: well, it's a dry heat there
XMASTIME: ugh. Not once I show up. No thanks. Hey, if we get hitched, we ain't spending Christmas in AZ, know what I'm saying? (laughs)
MEGHAN: that won't be a problem.
XMASTIME: fucking drenched in sweat...I'd be covered in baby powder and Old Spice body spray, you know.
MEGHAN: um
XMASTIME: anyways...so, your grandfather running for president, that must've been exciting, huh?
MEGHAN: you mean my father.
XMASTIME: what the...he's your dad? Are you shitting me?
MEGHAN: that's right.
XMASTIME: no shit?
MEGHAN: no.
XMASTIME: no shit?
MEGHAN: -
XMASTIME: jesus christ...and you're what, 30, 32?
MEGHAN: 24
XMASTIME: fucking a, so when you were born he was, let's see.....61?
MEGHAN: 47
XMASTIME: oh my god. yeesh.
MEGHAN: well.
XMASTIME: are you worried he's gonna die soon?
MEGHAN: what??!!
XMASTIME: no pork medallions where he's going (shakes head somberly)
MEGHAN: I-I'm going to the bathroom
XMASTIME: (grabbing her arm) You don't have to do that...
MEGHAN: what-(yanking arm away)
XMASTIME: you look good with a few extra pounds on you!
MEGHAN: (speeding away)
XMASTIME: sticking a finger down your throat isn't the answer! (shouting after her now) hey, those medallions weren't free!
She never came back to the table; she must've gotten sick or something. After waiting 40 minutes I texted her "that's a hell of a dump!", but she never texted back. Anyway, I put in a call for a second date, hopefully she'll be feeling better. Looking at the transcript it's hard to say what she's been doing wrong on these dates, but maybe it's just nerves. We'll see.
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