Because March is upon us, and I just saw a picture of Josh Lucas, I thought I'd repost my review of one of the decade's more asinine movies, Glory Road. Ugh.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Glory Hole
Is there a more insultingly offensive movie than Glory Road? I mean, is this even possible? First of all, we quickly see that EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVERY white person in the world is a proud racist. Everyone except, of course, Coach Haskins (Josh Lucas.) Haskins is the only man in the world who thinks black guys can do more than pick cotton and buy lotto tickets, and he wants them on his team. Here we get our first super-chiched foreshadowing, courtesy of some dipshit:
"Blacks taking over basketball? Oh come on, who could even imagine that? har har!"
Lucas of course is miffed he didn't get the first cliche, so he quickly parries with "I don't see color!" in a scene with a recruit. Advsantage, Lucas.
And I love that he recruits these kids because of their playground style of play, he's enamored with their freewheeling slicing and dicing. So of course the second they start practice he turns into Norman Dale. 18 passes before any shot, no fancy dribbling, and knuckles deep in Barbara Herschey (ugh.) This is like seeing Jenna Jameson in one of her "films", deciding to seek her out, actually go out on a date with her, bring her home, and then get upset cause she wants you to fuck her. "We're going to church, I'm meeting your parents and we're gonna have a scrapbook of our companionship memories before we do any of that stuff, buster!!!"
BUT.
A coupla games into the season, they're behind Iowa by 238 points, and after much pleading from the players he gives the okay to play "their game." Which apparently resembles the halftime shows at NBA games with mascots doing 360 degree somersault dunks off trampolines; after a minute I'm looking for Teen Wolf to swing from the rafters and dunk with his fucking nutbag. For fuck's sake. We get it, they're gifted athletes. Thanks!
"But Xmastime," you say in your Ironhead Heyward (RIP) voice from those soap commercials, "the movies coming to a close, we're nearing the end, I'm worried they won't be able to launch this steaming pile into the next stratosphere of suckitude..." Oh, don't worry friend, the writers have brilliantly saved their best for last. In the climactic scene, on the eve of the championship game, Coach Haskins decides he's gonna make a statement and...ta-da!...play only the black players. Hmm. Cause yeah, most coaches use the crowning pinnacle of their careers to teach the world a lesson. The lesson being, of course, "Racism is bad!!" I'd love to get a number re: how many people in the audience that, while the starting five were introduced and they realized they were watching history, slowly nodded their heads and said "...you know what...I should stop lynching black people and pissing on their bodies before feeding them to my dogs...thank you, Coach!" Must've been the greatest slow-clap since Jesus turned water into Mad Dog 20/20, n'est pas?
I'm fairly certain Coach Haskins woulda started Hitler and Charles Manson if they were his best players. Watching this shit, he should be able to sue whoever made this crapass flick. I can't wait for the sequel, either: Coach only plays the players who haven't fucked little kids. It's time to teach the world that sexual abuse is bad!!
No comments:
Post a Comment