Thunder Pie

I'm not a parent, but as a 2 & 1/2 year Manny veteran I feel like I'm on the next level down. I also know the difference between the two is like they say the difference between Triple A and the Majors is: vast. But I feel like a grizzled vet who's been though the wars, which is why I'm enjoying my buddy Serge's travails with his newborn daughter over at Thunderpie.net

There's nothing people with kids love more than watching people who just had their first kid. We love to sit back in the chair and chuckle at what a difficult time the rookies are having, shaking our heads knowingly at each other while the new parent bumbles around, doing things "by the book" to the extreme, etc. Really, it's like those war movies with the grizzled vets who've seen everything getting a kick outta how terrified the newly-arrived baby-faced kids are. Except that one scenario is about life & death; the other is just war.

Oh, we feel for them - we remember how terrifying every moment of it is, the wondering how on earth anybody in history had ever survived past the age of 7 days. But we know now that there are chapters of about 3-4 months; and with the turn of every chapter comes the same thought: "boy, THAT chapter was easy; what the fuck was I so crazed about??!!!" Rinse, lather, repeat. When I first started watching Short Bus I would physically wear myself down from hovering over top of him while he was sleeping - I'd stand over him, checking every 30 seconds to make sure he's breathing; if I happened to look away for more than 6 seconds, then as I was turning my head back in his direction it would dawn on me that within that 6 seconds one of two things surely must've happened: a wolverine came in and took him without making a sound, or he had somehow gotten up, walked across the room, opened the front door, and wandered into the street, maybe buying some crack. While 9 weeks old. Now I look back and think jesus, I might as well have been babysitting a 5-lb bag of baking potatoes, they both are about as active as each other. But you only really understand that when it's too late to take advantage of that knowledge; usually when you're okay with the kid playing in the knife drawer if it shuts him up for an hour.

I spent a lot of time in the beginning looking at Short Bus thinking "there is no way I'm not going to kill this child. There's no way. I'm too big, I'm too dumb; every caregiver before me had some important child-caring gene that I don't have, and before the end of the day I will somehow accidentally leave him in a cannon that's about to be fired."

Now I realize the truth is it's actually a lot harder to do harm to the kid than not harm him - unless I show up to work blindfolded in a razorblade suit wildly swinging an aluminum bat, the odds are low that I will somehow hurt the boy.

Another thing I have felt in my career that every parent has felt is "jesus christ, I'm gonna kill this kid!!" Of course I have never come even remotely close to striking him, or shaking him - but there are moments when you're like "I would never do it, but you know what...I UNDERSTAND it."

Side note: after you have a kid, the hospital sends you to a room to watch a video about shaking infants. It's supposedly pretty horrifying. My dream is to sit in the back of the room with a box of popcorn, and everytime something happens on the screen and the brand-new parents are recoiling in horror, I bust out howling laughing in the back. That's a pretty good dream, right? Hey, I have goals. Fucking sue me.

Bill Cosby once talked about his parents walking into his house after he had had some kids, and their GLEE in looking at how frazzled he was, "Having a little trouble with the children, huh son?" And that's what "veteran parents" get a kick out of.

Don't worry Serge - before you know it, you'll be the grizzled vet chuckling! :)

Then again, there's no coyotes in Brooklyn. what the fuck do I know?

;)