Memorial Day

Just like the fact that I seem to be the only dude in NYC that played high school football, I'm also amazed that I seem to be, of all people, the only one I know that served in the military. However badly.

Anyways. Enjoy this nugget from last two years ago.

I remember getting off the bus at Lackland and being attacked by the drill instructor, a little 5’6” chip-on-shoulder-pup whose sole job was to greet the new recruits and scare the fucking shit out of them for about 18 hours before turning them over to their regular DIs. In our faces, snarling, yanking us all around by the chains on our necks. I’m pretty sure none of us ate a bite for about three days, scared and shell-shocked. For some reason 5 of us out of a flight of 50 showed up about 8 hours early and were all alone to absorb his abuse – and remarkably out of the 5 of us I was the only one taller than the DI, which drove him BANANAS, meaning guess who took 90% of the abuse. Grrrrr.

Finally lil crazy pup screams at us that it’s lights out and to get out piece of shit faggot asses in bed. Upon hearing the door slam we each look down at out cots. Made up perfectly, as if the Color Guard had come in and made each one along with Martha Stewart. Then, in a moment that I promise you is repeated every single time a new flight gets ready to get into bed for the first time, one of us brainiacs decides hey, why don’t we sleep on TOP of the sheets so we don’t mess them up as much? Hmm. We’re geniuses! Millions and millions of men have come through boot camp, and we are the first ones to come up with this!!! Yes! Surely they'll never figure this one out. So we all gently lay down on top of our beds and hate that we’re there, desperate to get our hands on our recruiters back home and snap their necks in half.

Of course about an hour later (the 5 of us having slept a total of 0 winks) Lil Crazy Pup bursts back into the room, sees us on top of our cots and FLIPS OUT; over the top outraged, screaming his head off losing his mind. Of course we all lay still, eyes closed, acting as we’re asleep. So whose cot does he come for? Of course. Grabs the bottom of my cot and FLIPS IT OVER, sending me flying onto the floor with the little mattress landing on top of me. As time slowed down in my own head a little light bulb went off and I said hey, be cool, just keep pretending you’re asleep. Face on the floor, a whole bed on top of me, and I keep my eyes closed and, in another one of my “Seemed like a great idea at the time” moments, JUST to make sure Lil Crazy Pup knew how dead asleep I was, started to pretend snore. Lil Crazy Pups eyes fell out of his head and blood spewed from every poor in his body as he had the Super Bowl of all conniptions and exploded..

Needless to say I spent the next 8 hours running in place and doing pushups while he barked spittle into my mouth while the other 4 guys laid in their cots watching me. Day 1 of serving my country. Ugh.