Utopian Governing

Yglesias:

"Politics is the art of the possible. But it’s also the art of possibly making things better! So I do think it’s worth spending at least some time thinking about unrealistic and utopian plans."

I agree!! Matter of fact, I listed some of my own utopian ideas HERE in my post announcing my platform for running for president. Some of you might remember a few of my favorites from the my list of promises:

2) NO MORE DANE COOK. Seriously. Unless this jackass actually says something funny between now and January 20, 2009 I’m sorry but he’s got to go. Let’s see, he yells at his audiences and isn’t funny – sorry, but that job is already taken.















So Dane has 2 years to say something that cracks me up or, just like the blacks if I get elected, bye-bye.

3) NO AUTOMATIC KETCHUP. How come unless I file an affidavit 2 weeks in advance signed by judges in 3 surrounding counties, every fucking thing I order from a fast-food restaurant comes drenched in ketchup? When did ketchup become our go-to condiment? "Oh, this guy ordered a burger, he’s from oh, let’s see…oh, Planet Earth, so I’d better squirt a pound of ketchup on this fucker." I can’t be the only dude in the world who doesn’t like ketchup, can I? Why wouldn’t you assume I like mayo on everything? Or mustard? Hey, since you’re able to read my mind, why wouldn’t you think to show me your titties while I’m waiting? And then they try to throw in 90 packets of ketchup while I’m leaving. I just said "no ketchup" on my order, and now you’re chasing me down the street to make sure I get a knapsack worth of this crap. We’re running out of oil and we can’t figure out how to run cars on ketchup? Please.


5) ESPN CLASSIC will have to show a graphic AT ALL TIMES that lets you know why they are showing that particular game. This drives me nuts. I’ll flip to ESPN Classic and I’m like "Is this the game A-Rod had 10 rbis or the one that Bernie gets raped by wolfpups at the plate?" I’ve tried to make it through the same three-hour Yankees-Pirates game for the last 2 years and have no idea what made the game special enough to show on Classic. I’ll sit through 2 innings, nothing happens, I go back to scratching my balls. And by "scratching my balls" I mean "shoving my hand down my pants, placing my fingernails on my sack and moving my hand back and forth." And yes, as President I will spend a significant amount of time scratching my balls in "your house."

6) KEVIN BACON WILL HAVE HIS "JOHN TRAVOLTA" MOMENT. Have we as a nation forgotten Kevin dancing in ‘Footloose’? Seems like we have; why can’t he have a triumphant return to dancing, like Travolta did in ‘Pulp Fiction’? Extra points if in this movie he’s called "Stimpy." Hell, make ‘Road House 2’ and let him AND Swayze have their moments.

7) ALL CELEBRITY SEX TAPES will go through me for approval. Unless they’re ugly. This is a nice way of saying "Star Jones, keep it to yourself."

9) WHOOPIE CUSHION. I promise you that ONCE in my 4 years as President I will, on live tv while delivering an address to the whole country, adjust myself in the seat so that PFFFFFTTT!! I sit on a whoopie cushion!!!! Camon, don’t tell me a nicely-laid wet one wouldn’t have you on the floor howling. And think about it: if I’m live on national tv, I’m PROBABLY delivering bad news – what better time to let one rip??!!! "see the President last night? Boy, this country really HAS gone to shit heh heh heh!" Might be at my first address, might be my last…but you’ll tune in to every minute to see, won’t you?

10) THE GOVERNMENT WILL FUND 6 FIRST DATES per year for every dude who makes under $40,000/year. If you’re a woman or a dude with money, you can go on as many dates as you want. Rich dudes cause they have the money, women cause they don’t need to pay anyway; they both can "serial date" - ie go on an endless stream of "what the hell, you never know" dates. Dudes with not that much money, not so easy. Many is the time we think ‘gee, I’d like to ask that girl out." But first of all, you have to make sure that you have enough money for a classy first date should she accept. And you have to do so without letting yourself think "oh shit, what if she wants to go on a SECOND date??!!" You know what your dating budget for the week or month is, so you have to be VERY selective. Sure, this chick you just met might be great, but what if she isn’t? Too bad, cause you’ve blown your big date money on her when you could’ve asked someone else out. See what I’m talking about? So I’d have a program that, upon qualifying, gives you $100 for a first date (up to 6 per year.) That should be enough without going too crazy; maybe we can have an emergency "I’m About to Close the Deal but Need $20 for a Cab/Condoms/thing you shake up and it snows inside" fund – you can punch in a code at an ATM to get this cash. Whatever, but this will at least partially level the playing field. And it’s for first dates ONLY; if you decide to go on a second date with anyone, you’re on your own. You may need to stall til the next payday with some old favorites like "why don’t we just watch a video at your house, get to know each other?" or the "Im outta town for work" line. At least by this point she is way into you and totally blind to your coming over to her house and eating all her food while spending so much time in the bathroom with her sister’s high school yearbook.

12) I WILL GIVE HOCKEY BACK TO THE CANADIENS. The NHL season is 17 games old…has anyone noticed? Christ, I’m in New York City with three teams, and Opening Day got as much press as when a non-white girl disappears while on a school trip. We hear all about how hockey-crazed Canada is, yet here we are with 24 out of the 30 NHL teams in America. How the fuck did this happen? What the hell is going on up there; how long can these people mourn John Candy? Get over it and take these fucking hockey teams back, please! But the Canucks seem to be very quiet about this, don’t they? We strip them of their national identity, and they don’t say a word. Matter of fact they seem quiet about everything….it’s as if they’re watching us spend all our time on the Middle East and illegal Mexicans…all while up there quietly scheming our gruesome, violent end. Canada is like that quiet neighbor that nobody really knows that eventually snaps, no? "Canada was real quiet, kept to itself, then one day I looked out my window and they were spraying the place with uzis." So I will give hockey back since 1) it will end Canada’s silent, deadly fuming and 2) we don’t give a shit about it anyway. Plus that will leave us more time to dedicate towards keeping soccer out of my country.