Don't You Forget About Dougie

I don't think it's a stretch or even insulting to paint Doug Hoffman as some sort of a CPA super-geek whom if you looked up "pencil-necked nerd with a pocket protector" in the dictionary it would have a picture of him along with a caption that reads "a bit TOO dead on, no?" So imagine how thrilling it must've been when from out of nowhere a former beauty queen and maybe the sexiest quasi-politician of all time gave him the time of day, showering him with attention and bon mots, followed by the sitting-at-the-cool-table guys like Limbaugh/Beck/Hannity et al all of a sudden wanting to be his best friend. Even the looney brunette of the party (Bachmann) wanted to hang out with him, and the tough-talking, "leave us alone cause we're loners!" Rick Perry from Texas took an interest in him. How exciting this must've been for Hoffman, all of a sudden finding himself the centerpiece of the coolest gang in school; after 50+ years of being ignored as some sort of dweeb, now he was SOMEBODY!!

But now I wonder what's happened since after the election. And it occurs to me that I'm about 100% certain that the moment he lost was the last moment any of these other people will spend a split second thinking about him. You really think Palin's returning his phone calls? Please. So now he's set up for heartbreak. Where have I seen this before, I'm wondering. This sounds so familiar, I feel like I've seen this before, what the fuck am I thinking of?

Ah. Of course.

DOUG HOFFMAN: Um, I was just thinking, I mean.  I know it's kind of a weird time, but I was just wondering, um, what is gonna happen to us on Monday?  When we're all together again?  I mean I consider you guys my friends, I'm not wrong, am I?
GLENN BECK: No...
DOUG HOFFMAN: So, so on Monday...what happens?
SARAH PALIN: Are we still friends, you mean? If we're friends now, that is?
DOUG HOFFMAN: Yeah...
SARAH PALIN: Do you want the truth?
DOUG HOFFMAN: Yeah, I want the truth...
SARAH PALIN: I don't think so...
MICHELLE BACHMANN: Well, do you mean all of us or just Rush?
SARAH PALIN: With all of you...
RUSH LIMBAUGH: That's a real nice attitude, Sarah Palin!
SARAH PALIN: Oh, be honest, Rush...if Doug Hoffman came walking up to you in the hall on Monday, what would you do?  I mean picture this, you're there with all the sports. I know exactly what you'd do, you'd say hi to him and when he left you'd cut him all up so your friends wouldn't think you really liked him!
SEAN HANNITY: No way!
MICHELLE BACHMANN: 'Kay, what if I came up to you?
SARAH PALIN: Same exact thing!
RICK PERRY: (furious and screaming at Sarah Palin) You are a bitch!
SARAH PALIN: Why?  'Cause I'm telling the truth, that makes me a bitch?
RICK PERRY: No!  'Cause you know how shitty that is to do to someone!  And you don't got the balls to stand up to your friends and tell 'em that you're gonna like who you wanna like!
SARAH PALIN: Okay, what about you, you hypocrite! Why don't you take Michelle Bachmann to one of your stupid fucking tea parties?  Or take Doug Hoffman out to the parking lot at lunch to get high?  What about Sean for that matter, what about me? What would your friends say if we were walking down the hall together. They'd laugh their asses off and you'd probably tell them you were doing it with me so they'd forgive you for being seen with me.
RICK PERRY: (furious once again) you ever talk about my friends!  You don't know any of my friends, you don't look at any of my friends and you certainly wouldn't condescend to speak to any of my friends so you just stick to the things you know, shopping, nail polish, your father's BMW and your poor--rich--drunk mother in the Carribean!
SARAH PALIN: (furious and sobbing) Shut up!
RICK PERRY: And as far as being concerned about what's gonna happen when you and I walk down the hallways at school, you can forget it!  'Cause it's never gonna happen!  Just bury your head in the sand...and wait for your fuckin' prom!
SARAH PALIN: I hate you!
RICK PERRY: Yeah?  Good!

There is silence until Doug Hoffman speaks.

DOUG HOFFMAN: Then I assume Michelle Bachmann and I are better people than you guys, huh? Us weirdos...(to Michelle Bachmann) Do you, would you do that to me?
MICHELLE BACHMANN:I don't have any friends...
DOUG HOFFMAN: Well if you did?
MICHELLE BACHMANN:No...I don't think the kind of friends I'd have would mind...
DOUG HOFFMAN: I just wanna tell, each of you, that I wouldn't do that...I wouldn't and I will not!  'Cause I think that's real shitty...
SARAH PALIN: Your friends wouldn't mind because they look up to us...

Doug Hoffman laughs at her.

DOUG HOFFMAN: You're so conceited, Sarah Palin.  You're so conceited.  You're so, like, full of yourself, why are you like that?
SARAH PALIN: (crying again) I'm not saying that to be conceited! I hate it!  I hate having to go along with everything my friends say!
DOUG HOFFMAN: Well then why do you do it?
SARAH PALIN: I don't know, I don't...you don't understand..you don't. You're not friends with the same kind of people that Andy and I are friends with! You know, you just don't understand the pressure that they can put on you!

Doug Hoffman is shocked.

DOUG HOFFMAN: I don't understand what?  You think I don't understand pressure, Sarah Palin? Well fuck you!  Fuck you!

Doug Hoffman hides his head in his arm because he is crying.