Great 2009 Xmastime Moments, XXXVIII

A Gift from Xmastime

Guys generally don't give a shit when one of their buddies is about to go on a first date with some girl, other than hearing any late-night boudoire heroics later on. And they certainly don't give a shit whenever one of their girl friends go on first dates, hell, that's just some random dude we don't even know that might be getting lucky later on, so who cares.

But girls are different - the only thing that gets a girl as excited as going on a first date is when ANYONE ELSE is going on a first date. And if you're a dude, and you let it slip that you really like the girl you're about to go on a date with and offer yourself up to help, your girl friends will go fucking bananas trying to help you. Hell, if I mentioned I was going on a date the whole goddam neighborhood would shut down, everybody giddily chirping in with advice re: what to wear, where to go, reminding me Sangria is a summer drink etc etc.

So a plan of genius entered my mind yesterday. Fellas, this one's just between us - any girls reading this, go do some fingerblasting, or read a book about vampires, whatevs. This is for the fellas only...okay, all the chicks gone? Cool.

Nothing gets a girl gushing like some dude nervous about going on a date - think the world's greatest sleepover pillow fights times cotton candy. So how do we use this to our advantage so that we get a chance with THE VERY GIRL THAT IS OOOING AND COOING??!!!!!

Simple. Write this down:

Step 1: find a restaurant where you're particularly smitten with a waitress or hostess. This is NYC, there are a million of hot, young waitress et al working at restaurants, if you can't find one to make mix tapes for then you're probably gay. Also, if possible, make it as pricey/swanky a joint as possible (I will explain shortly.)

Step 2: without being a stalker, figure out which night she's working. Orchestrate any reservations if needed so you're at your target's hopeful lady friend's table.

Step 3: brush your teeth, comb your hair, put on a nice suit, spray on some Canoe cologne and just before dinner service that night, approach her and ask if she could help you with something. It's very important you act VERY nervous yet excited!! Yes, under normal circumstances women want confidence, but in this one and only situation you wanna appear nervous. Tell her you have a date at her table in an hour, and nervously ramble on for a minute or so about how you just met this girl, you're crazy about her, and you're so nervous about everything being perfect yada yada yada that you wanted to show up beforehand and meet the waitress to get on the same page - use your imagination and work out something with her re: her suddenly appearing with flowers, or a gift, whatever (I can't do ALL the thinking for you.) Some special, small touch that let's her know how romantic you are. At this point the girl will be THRILLED to be on Team You, touched by how nervously excited you are about being with this girl on a date - like a single girl at a wedding reception, she will be overwhelmed with the scent of true romance in the air, and will quickly agree to help you out, making sure everything is perfect, all while being knocked out and surprised that a guy would go to such efforts to please his lady friend on a date. Remember, this girl is probably used to seeing things from the other side - the braying Wall Street dude throwing money at her, talking about his Porsche; your performance will give her hope that some dude would someday do the same for her. She is in on the secret of love, and more than happy to be a part of it. Remember: act nervous, excited, touching.

Step 4 - show up for the "date" alone. She will come to the table beaming, knowing she in on the first whiffs of true love, and will be excited for you. You wipe some sweat off your brow, say "wish me luck!" and then say that your date should be here any minute.

Step 5 - ohoh. 10 minutes. 20 minutes. Your date is not here. Your partner in love is now walking through the dining room giving you worried looks - which do not compare to the look of devastation that is growing on your face with each minute. Tip: keep looking at your phone, hopeful for a message. Even better tip: each time the door opens, swing your head towards it with an excited, hopeful look (NOT a "where the fuck have you been??!" look.)

Step 6 - it's been an hour. You are crushed. And the waitress is crushed right along with you. She cannot believe what kind of monster could do such a thing to such a sweetheart like yourself, a guy that went through so much trouble, a guy who was so real and genuine with his excitement about being with this (now surely cruel) girl. (This is why you try to choose as pricey a restaurant as possible - you've given the IMPRESSION of being happy to pay top-price for a meal in the name of romance WITHOUT ACTUALLY HAVING TO!!!!)

Step 7 - it's been 90 minutes now. Slowly get up, accepting defeat. Slowly put on your jacket, the waitress is now so worried about you that she asks what you plan on doing right now. You're despondent, kinda shuffling around, finally you say I dunno, maybe go for a long walk, think about things. Slip in an "I don't really wanna go home right now, all alone." At this moment she will put her hand on your arm and say that she gets off in however many hours, and why don't you meet her afterwards around the corner for a drink? You agree. "Okay, sure, I guess so..." VERY IMPORTANT: DO NOT IN ANY WAY EVEN REMOTELY CONVEY THAT YOU THINK OF THIS PERSON AS ANYTHING OTHER THAN A CONFIDANTE!!!!!! No sexy looks, no "charm," nothing - you are crushed by love!!! She's aching to fly in and save the wounded sparrow!!! Now she spends the next 4 hours telling everybody in the kitchen about what a great guy you are, what a bitch this girl was, etc etc. By the time she meets you at the bar (at which you have NOT been pounding drinks!!!) she has worked up in her own head what an amazing guy you must be, and is all set to fall; you'll be sharing the Sunday New York Times over an ecláir within a week.

YOU'RE WELCOME!

Love,
XMASTIME