Hey, you gotta have goals.
Just remember, it's not a lie if you believe it.
Was that wrong? Should I not have done that? I tell you, I gotta plead ignorence on this thing, because if anyone had said anything to me at all when I first started here that that sort of thing is frowned upon... you know, cause I've worked in a lot of offices, and I tell you, people do that all the time.
It became very clear to me sitting out there today that every decision I've made in my entire life has been wrong. My life is the complete opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every aspect of life, be it something to wear, something to eat - it's all been wrong.
I lie every second of the day. My whole life is a sham.
Do you ever get down on your knees and thank God you know me and have access to my dementia?
You know I always wanted to pretend I was an architect.
The sea was angry that day, my friends - like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli. I got about fifty feet out and suddenly the great beast appeared before me. I tell you he was ten stories high if he was a foot. As if sensing my presence, he let out a great bellow. I said, "Easy, big fella!" And then, as I watched him struggling, I realized that something was obstructing its breathing. From where I was standing, I could see directly into the eye of the great fish.
I have a bad feeling that whenever a lesbian looks at me they think "That's why I'm not a heterosexual."
Divorce is always hard. Especially on the kids. 'Course I am the result of my parents having stayed together so ya never know.
When she threw that toupee out the window, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I feel like my old self again. Neurotic, paranoid, totally inadequate, completely insecure. It's a pleasure.
My father was a quitter, my grandfather was a quitter, I was raised to give up. It's one of the few things I do well.
I don't think I've ever been to an appointment in my life where I wanted the other guy to show up.
Shut your traps and stop kicking the seats! We're trying to watch the movie. And if I have to tell you again, I'm gonna take you outside and show you what it's like. Do you understand me? Now, shut your mouths or else I'll shut them for you... and if you think I'm kidding, just try me. Try me. Because, I would LOVE IT!
So I tell her, 'I think I should leave now'. And she looks at me surprised as if she couldn't understand what had just happened and why I was leaving... The only excuse that I could fathom would be acceptable is to tell her that I am indeed Batman, and I'm sorry I just saw that Bat signal out the window.
Parking at a garage is like going to a prostitute. Why pay for it when you can apply yourself, and then may be you can get it for free.
Yeah. I figured since I was lying about my income for a couple of years, I could afford a fake house in the Hamptons.
But I really want to leave my mark this time. Like remember that summer at Dairy Queen when I cooled my feet in the soft serve?
I just threw away a lifetime of guilt-free sex and floor seats for every sporting event in Madison Square Garden. So please, a little respect. For I am Costanza, Lord of the Idiots.
I was free and clear. I was living the dream. I was stripped to the waist eating a block of cheese the size of a car battery.
You ask me to have lunch, tell me you slept with Elaine, and then say you're not in the mood for details. Now you listen to me: I want details and I want them right now. I don't have a job, I have no place to go. You're not in the mood? Well you get in the mood!
So you really think Morgan thinks I have a racial bias? This is so unfair. I would've marched on Selma if it was on Long Island.
Okay, uh, look, if you want to just keep on doing the same old thing, then maybe this idea is not for you. I, for one, am not going to compromise my artistic integrity. And I'll tell you
something else, this is the show and we're not going to change it.
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