Charlie Brown: Fuckin' Tonight?

As I have nothing better to say, I will go ahead now and give you your handy minute-by-minute guide to tonight's airing of Charlie Brown's Valentine. You're welcome.

8:01 opening a Valentine's show with Peppermint Patty? Doesn't really get you in the mood for romance, does it? Like kicking off a dinner at Peter Luger's with microwaved tripe mousse. Ugh.

8:01 Sally's hairdo. Seriously, what the fuck is that? Looks like some asshole spreading a yellow cape out. And by "asshole" I don't mean "jerk"; I mean literally an asshole. Spreading a yellow cape. There's no way I'm the first person to see this.

8:03 you can tell the voices aren't the same as the "classic" Peanuts slices, which is infuriating...fuck, I just looked it up. Fucker was made in 2002. No wonder it sucks - any Peanuts movie that is younger than R. Kelly's impending court case, fuck that.

8:03 they just showed the Red headed Girl. I thought part of the deal was that they never showed her on-screen? Always in one's thoughts but never seen; like Norm's Vera on "Cheers," or my dick. What the fuck?

8:03 Charlie Brown just picked up a pencil the Little Red Headed Girl (henceforth LRHG....hey, can my new nickname be Henceforth?) dropped...and immediately says "Hey, look...her teethmarks!" That's not a lil creepy, is it? In for a little cloning session, Charles? Is this fucking CSI or Peanuts? Why not just have him scraping off dried flakes of womanhood from her hamper "goodies"? Jesus. One day you're going through your friend's girlfriend's hamper with an exacto knife while pretending to be using the shitter down the hall, the next day you see this shit on Peanuts. Are there NO boundaries left, people? It's called MORALS, for fuck's sake.

8:04 the problem with this being made in 2002 is of course they have to "modern it up": Sally's backpack shaped like a panda bear, Charlie Brown handing out dollar bills to the lady at the candy shoppe, Lucy pounding a Red Bull while flashing some vag getting outta the car. Camon. Shit should be timeless. So dated.

8:05 apparently the RHG is in a fight on the playground and Charlie Brown upset watching...what the fuck? Some DUDE is slapping her around, and CB is fucking announcing this to Linus? What the fuck? HEY: HERE'S YOUR OPPORTUNITY, DIPSHIT! Jump in there, be the white knight and save her. But no, he's giving the play by play like he's watching a fucking jello wrestling contest. Is it even possible to make this scene a little creepier? Maybe have Michael Jackson walk through for no apparent reason? Who's the wizard at this writing meeting?

"You know what...we should have the LRHG get slapped around at the playground."
"Brad, I like that...and maybe instead of jumping in to stop it, Charlie Brown can be stroking his dick while giving Linus the deets?"
"Done."
"Love you guys. I'm out, peace!!!!"

8:05 in a nutshell: poor Marcy. When you're with Peppermint Patty and you're still not the sexy one, you're in trouble.

8:06 Charlie Brown just got a valentine from Peppermint Patty. Yeesh. Like kissing your father, but not as sexy.

8:09 Lucy on the piano, flirting with Schroeder. Yeah, maybe he'll confuse you with Michelle Pfieffer. Just like I confuse an 20-piece McNuggets with baby carrots. Hmm. MIGHT not happen.

8:10 Ooooohhh.... Charlie Brown wants to give a valentine to LRG and is actually going to her house. Gutsy. Yet stupid...would Dylan bring Brenda a Valentine to her house, or leave it "somewhere at the Pit, babe"? Anyways, let's hope it goes better than this: http://xmastime.blogspot.com/2007/03/basketball-week-part-ii-chinn-dome.html

8:11 why does Lucy like Schroeder so much? All we know about him is he plays the piano. Hey, you know who else did? Liberace. And hell, the only other thing we know about Schroeder is he's a catcher. (hiyoooooo)

8:12 Linus is being CB's wingman, asking the LRHG is she likes him. Ohoh. I see a piggyback here. "Charlie, Charlie, be cool, I'm gonna take her to Pizza Hut tonite, no big deal, just will gimme more time to blow you up...trust me, bro! ...say, you still got that Astroglide we ordered? great, I'll take it...no reason... you're SO in, brah!!"

8:12 now the LRHG's acting like she doesnt know CB. Has never ever seen him, has never even HEARD THE NAME Charlie Brown. Hmm. Well. It's February. Which means you've been in the same fucking classroom, with MAYBE 20 kids, for 6 months now...every day for about 1/2 a year you've been at most 10 feet from him...I gotta be honest, she doesn't know you exist, she might be retarded. Which, as I'm thinking right now, REALLY helps Linus' chances of gettin his snout up in that rim tonite at Pizza Hut...

8:14 Charlie Brown's using Linus as a wingman. Hmm. A Bible thumper who has a blankie. Great. Might not have been my first choice. "I wanna get in this girl's drawers...jeez, if only I knew someone who has memorized the Bible and carries around a blanket that reminds him of his mother's womb..."

8:15 Lucy's selling Valentines...but there's a 5-day waiting period. What the fuck....this a statement on gun control? When did this happen in Peanuts? Why not have Lucy pull a fetus out of her booth before it gets bombed? Maybe some filthy Mexicans can come and take Pigpen's job?

8:18 Charlie Brown is waiting underneath his family mailbox for his valentines and it occurs to me....why is the mailbox in the middle of the backyard?

8:18 at this point, I feel like he's obsessing a bit much about LRHG. I'd be worrying about her a little less and maybe focusing on the fact that I have a huge, perfectly round head with no hair on it yet if I were him. Guess it's a testament to his self esteem. And seriously, look at that head...there's no way Mom surived that birth, right? Camon.

8:18 oooooh, he's calling the LRHG. Gutsy!

8:19 oh, shit. Marcy answered! Gee, that's good and bad news, isn't it? Cause let's be honest: if you call a girl on the phone and Marcy answers, odds are good that the girl you were calling is there. Right there beside Marcy. Coughing up short hairs.

8:19 did Marcy eventually get contacts and play the daughter in "Fatal Attraction"?

8:22 somehow Charlie Brown got a "date" with Peppermint Patty. I don't know how this happened, to be honest. Calls the LRHG, gets Marcy on the fone, now he's on a date with Peppermint Patty. Sounds like every fucking Chinese delivery meal I've ever ordered.

8:23 Charlie Brown knocks on the door, and some kid comes out and the kid actually says "dude." "dude"? What the fuck? And let me get this straight: Franklin, after 48 years, still has never gotten a line, and this new white kid does?

CHOOSE YOUR PUNCH LINE:

a) who is he, Pat Boone?
b) Franklin knows his place!
c) Xmastime, I'm sending pictures of my titties to you!
d) c

8:23 at the dance now. All the girls swooning over Snoopy now...hmm...Linda Lovelace?

8:25 Sally is going to visit Linus, her sweet baboo. God bless Linus..."you bring my Swedish Fish, bitch? aight...leave em at the door, buh bye..."

8:26 Linus and Charlie Brown on the brick wall. Linus says Charlie wants to cry but is too macho. What the fuck? Dr Phil?

NUMBER OF TIMES MY OLDER BROTHER SAID XMAS, YOU SHOULD CRY BUT YOU'RE TOO MACHO: 0
NUMBER OF TIMES MY OLDER BROTHER MADE MY CRY: 12,735
NUMBER OF RIM JOBS I GOT FROM MY FIRST LOVE: 1

I win!

8:27 show inexplicably ends with Snoopy bringing a wheelbarrow full of valentines to Charlie Brown. Happy Valentine's Day, Charlie Brown!" wtf? who are these from?