A Tip

I have only a few criteria when it comes to tipping car services. The first one is only if I'm with The Short Bus. If you completely ignore him, you get nothing. If you at least acknowledge that this miniature, comically-sized version of a person has entered your car, you get $1. And if you laugh at something cute he says, or say something directly to him, you get all the money in my pockets. It's not complicated.

Otherwise, if I'm alone, all I ask is that you at least PRETEND to be as frustrated and angry as I am with the traffic. Cut people off, act like you know a shortcut, gimme a few clenched-fists-on-the-steering wheel; SOMEthing. A little under the breath cursing is great too. Nothing's worse than minutes ticking away while you're sitting there and the dude doesn't even seem remotely bothered (even though HE is actually losing money!) Camon, at least put on a little show for me is all I ask. Don't even be nice or grateful when I hand you the money at the end, just fucking grunt, angry at the ridiculous traffic. Then I feel like we were at least on the same team, that we went through something together, and I don't spend the rest of the day bitching that I blew money on some jagoff talking loudly on his bluetooth while barely looking at the road (of course while blaring bodega-inspired macarena craziness on the radio.)